Weigh In: 304.4
It's not what I wanted to see, but it was not as bad as I thought it would be. It is what it is and I'm ready to get that number shrinking week by week.
Food has been good this week. Exercised twice. Skipped yesterday due to New Years Eve, getting home late, and just being right out exhausted.
Today...trying to be strong. Trying not to eat the left over ice cream i left at work. I hope that saying about what you do the first day of the new year will represent the rest of your year. Lewis got bad at me for asking him to fix my seats that he had put up when using my car a couple weeks. A simple request i thought....man he just blew up. Saying i was to lazy to put them down, he doesn't know why i like them down, why do i want them down, blah blah blah. I was like, you put them up and it would have been nice of you to return them to the place they were in when you used my car, but besides that I'm asking you nicely to fix them for me if you could. That just lead to a fight that eventually lead to him saying, this is why i have been planning on leaving, but haven't had the money too. What?! I thought at first he just said it to be mean, to push my buttons. Later while talking by text message he said it was true. So, here i am planning our anniversary pics and vacation, a baby, and getting healthier to improve our relationship. He's over there trying to figure out how to leave. After hours of texting and fb messages it didn't get anywhere. I have an attitude, I'm mean to people, he's not comfortable with me around his people. Blame blame blame. We're miserable, we're not happy, maybe we're not meant to be. Where is this coming from? I mean really? I know we have our issues, what couple doesn't? I never knew it was this bad. Yes, i have some issues with him, things he does that just grind my nerves, but that's a marriage. I didn't marry him because he was perfect. I married him because i loved him, good and bad. I'm not miserable! He doesn't make me unhappy! I'm having some issues due to my weight and our love life is zero. But...we have talked about this! Now, it's an issue. I'm not affectionate enough for him. He says he tries and i deny everything. Well, I'm not a freakin' animal! I don't respond to pulls and touches. Open the lips God gave you and tell me what you want. I asked for alittle extra attention and verbal love, but why should he do it all he says? I'm not well right now and working on it everyday. Ive apologized for it and let him know it's not him. It's hard for me to love and be loved right now when i can't even love myself.
He's going to his shrink tomorrow for his ADHD follow up. I told him to ask her if she does couples or knows someone that does. He was told to get a name and number and with luck maybe we can find a day to go together. With our work schedule...who knows. How can a couple stay together working the way we do? I work, he's off. He's off, i work. Real healthy!
New Year's Eve was a dinner at AppleBee's that had some conversation, started by me, and nothing else. Then an exciting trip to krogers for our bi weekly groceries. Then home where we sat and watched the ball drop.. No new year's kiss. Nothing else! He didn't even look over at me when the ball dropped. Happy New Year! Not! We get to bed and of course we sit there with our IPADS. I ask for some back rubs and he gets pissed. He wants to play on his IPAD. OK, whatever! To sleep i went. We sure rocked in new year!
I don't know what to do. Right now I'm just soooo angry and hurt. I never saw this coming. I knew something was up with him, but didn't know he felt this bad about me. With the state I'm in with hating myself....it's not very helpful knowing your husband doesn't like much about you either. That he's not happy and miserable with you. Some days i don't know why we are still together or why I'm still living. He cleared it up I'm not a good person. The only guy out there that i thought could handle me and come to find out he cant. I don't know.....
Here's to a better tomorrow.
