Blah

Weigh In; 270.6 Gain: 0.2 Pounds BMI: 41.1

Mixed feelings. I stayed away from the carrot cake and the box of chocolates my father-n-law brought from Lewis' side of the family for Christmas and his birthday. I had my one free day and the rest of the week was my planned 5 mini meals a day. Exercise days were switched a little, but i still got it done and all stickers up on the calendar. :Sigh: The main issue i can kinda put down for why this weigh in was not as i had predicted is my swelling issues. For some reason i swelled sooo bad at CCOM when i work nights. From my knees down my legs tingle and feel like water balloons. The swelling can be seen mainly around my ankle bones. Uck! I tried walking Friday night to stay active for my breaks. I did 3 20 minute breaks of walking totaling an hour. Clearly...that did not help.

What's the deal man?! Well, i wanted to find out and did some research last night at work. What i found could possibly be my issue. It's called heat edema. It's when you work or are active in a hot area for long periods of time. It just all clicked. CCOM has been having issues with the humidy and heat in our dispatch room. It feels like a rain forest most nights. So, sitting there for 12 hours is causing my legs and sometimes my fingers to swell. I feel better knowing there may actually be a legit reason i swell now, but it still sucks. Also, finding out that all that walking probablly caused more swelling then preventing it for weigh in...double sucked. :Sigh: Ah well, i know now and will be trying to keep my legs elvated, moving alittle, and may go outside a few times during night shift to keep the body cool and normal size. I hate this, but i guess it's what i get for blowing up like a balloon...now getting to feel like one.

This weekend has been crazy. Defiantly not the days i needed after a blah weigh in. I decided to be nice and help Lewis with is EMT practice practical test site at Blairs after night shift yesterday. I got to sleep 3 hours before having to get up, weigh, bike, and be there on time. Well, i was hoping it wouldn't run that long and i could get back home for another nap. Didn't quite work out that way. Was up all day and had to work another night shift. It was brutal! In the end i was up 41 hours with only that 3 hour nap to push me through. I also had doughnuts, pizza, cookies, and a little bit of soda for an extra push. When i finally got home i was out...i thought. I kept dreaming and would wake up every 5-20 minutes. The dreams were so vivid and real that it didnt even feel like i was getting any sleep. The last dream i woke up crying. I was at this party with Lewis, some friends from high school, and a few from Regional One. Lewis was totally drunk and would have nothing to do with me. He kept calling me names and making fun of me for being the drunk one and embarrassing him when i actually was sober in the dream. We were at this party having a girl vs boy competition to see who could get more kisses. The girls didnt want real kisses so we had white shirts on and had color markers and would see how many people we could get to draw kiss marks on our shirts. Well, I went to get Kyle Carter from Regional One to draw one and he laughed and drew all over my face. I ran over to Lewis crying and he would have nothing to do with it, making fun of me, and i deserved it. I just started crying and woke up really crying. I knew it was a dream, but i just could not stop crying. I was sad about the dream, Lewis wasn't there, i was alone, i was cold, i had a headache, i couldn't sleep, and i couldnt get a kitty. In this state i called Lewis. Poor hubby! I wanted sleeping pills!!! Sadly, he could not help so that conversation was short. I just felt drunk...like i had spent the night really drinking instead of working. This world was not moving normal, i had that darn headache, my speech was slurred, and i felt like i was floating. Then it hit me! I had not taken my happy pills! I missed it saturday morning and this morning i just went straight to sleep and missed a 2nd one. I went straight to the kitchen took my happiness, 3 pain pills, and 2 of my sleeping aid vitamins. Sweet relief! I passed out and didnt get up till right at 6. Just enough time to get up, showered, and dressed for work. I still did not feel myself, was defiantly in zombie mode, but the headache was gone and i could walk and talk straight again. Sadly, the zombie was hungry and went straight the carrot cake, one chocolate chip cookie, and a slice of pizza. :Sigh: Thankfully i was able to pull through the fog some and refuse to bring the box of chocolates with me to work. Did not need it!

It has been a blah weekend and i am sooo glad it is almost over. It's back to me and my control. I am not letting this bad weekend roll into my week or my month. Tomorrow it's back to my healthy changes. 5 mini meals a day, water, and exercise. Those smiley faces deserve to have their place on my calendar. :D

Change Is Evil

I'm not very good with change. I'm a home body that loves her every day comfortable routine. I set goals, plans, and ideas that keep me straight on that comfortable routine. Even the random day off with myself, Lewis, my family, or friends i need planned. My anxiety can't handle things out of order. Even changes that should bring happiness freak me out. Smaller body = attention I'm not use to. questions. new clothes. different eating habits. keeping the weight off. A baby = lack of sleep. day car. diapers. different daily routine. added expenses. New house = moving humans and 5 animals. unpacking. where should we live. how much can we afford. will we sell old house and get what it's worth. So on and so forth. My poor brain, i don't know how it survives some days. I'm really shocked it hasn't just up and left me.

And what brings me here talking about all this, RN school. Lewis has finally picked a school he's pretty confident about going to and from what he heard today could most likely start in the Fall of this year. That's exciting, right?! He'll be chasing his dreams, moving on up, making a brighter future for us. The down side...he will have to drop full time work and school will become his full time job. That would be just dandy if you got paid to go to school. Sadly, that's not how the world works right now. Could we make it 2 years with me just working. I mean, he can work during holidays and weekends, but when clinical time hits, it's going to be tough. I don't want this to hurt our marriage. I don't want to burn myself out. I don't want to become spiteful that he is off going to school while I'm breaking my back to make ends meet. I know we can do this! I love Lewis with all my heart and believe he will rock RN school and be the best darn RN ever. It's just surviving those 2 years. He'll be stressing home work and tests. Ill have weight loss, bills, and picking up part time hours.Yay work! I've started off by writing down all the must have bills and working off just what i make. It will be penny pinching, but we can make it. But then i have health insurance to worry about for him. He says he can go without it for 2 years, but i don't like those odds. He has already fell out of an ambulance before and broke his arm on his first day of truck clinicals for his paramedic. His luck....i don't want to think about it. LoL We have 5 furbabies. They need food, heart guard, treats, etc. Then there is the baby plans. I really wanted to start our little family this year, but with me being the #1 bread winner? I don't have time to be pregnant and not being able to work. And even if we did survive that, the expenses of a baby would not fit into the budget with just me working. Sigh...i love the idea having this whole year to focus on my weight and not feel stressed to get it down to a certain number so we can start trying, but i was sooo excited to start this year. It's like getting a gift and right as you are about to open it, it get taken away for a later date. No fun! We could start next year towards the middle of the year and by the time the little one shows up he should be through with RN school and possibly already set up with a new job. Just so much to think about and plan.

BRAIN HURTS! LOL

The next few months will be of saving, saving, and more saving. Going to try to get these credit cards paid off and talk about what expenses we can cut out. We just got comfortable in the financial part and i hate seeing it have to slip away. I LOVE COMFORT! Change, change, change...life would be so simple if we could just snap our fingers and things are done. Snap...RN degree in your hand. Snap...baby in the belly. Snap...new car in the driveway. Snap...dream home built and all set up. Oh how nice that would be. LoL

I'm just going to have to relax, pray alot, and just let God's will be done. There is truly no better support then him. If it's meant to be, it will. I truly believe he never gives us more then we can handle and will get us through these next 2 years if Lewis decides to go. POSITIVE THINKING!

Unlucky Week #3

Weigh In: 270.4 Loss: 1.0 Pounds BMI: 41.1

What a week! 4 days straight of rain, no sun, and mud! Then day 5 was SNOW! Like 2 inches an hour snow! Talk about a blah mood and just wanting to eat and sleep forever. It was also Lewis' birthday this week. We celebrated Monday and had PizzaHut and birthday cake. It was hard having that left over pizza and cake in the fridge. I tried my hardest to stay away from them both, but due to a late work day and the snow blues i fell. I had pizza for dinner when i got off Regional One late on Tuesday. I was so torn between eating and not eating. I didn't want to skip a meal because that's not healthy, but i didn't like eating so late either; it was 10pm when i got settled at home and was ready to have something. Well, i decided having something to eat would be the best thing, but was to tired to make anything that would be good for me. I only had 2 slices of the pizza and one bread stick when i really wanted alot more. It wasn't that bad and i did control myself, but still not the healthiest choice. On Wednesday night after i worked out i had another slice that Lewis said he wasn't going to eat and i just could not let something go bad. So, i caved again and ate it. Then on Thursday, which was Lewis' actual birthday, he canceled class due to the snow. I was quite excited to spend some time with him on his birthday, but I had to work 2 hours late due to the call volume. It was crazy! The 2 hours i was there the phones were non-stop! Thank goodness there were no serious injuries, but alot of cars off the road. My house is just 5 minutes away from work, but it took me 20 minutes to get there. By the time i got there i was tired, brain dead, and craving comfort food. I ended up finishing off the little bit of cake and icing that was left plus 2 chicken pattie wraps with cheese and chips. I did not binge, so, that was an accomplishment, but i def did not need all that extra food. I had planned to still work out, but with the cold weather, snow, and a belly full of food...it wasn't long before me and the kitties were passed out in bed.

So, with a week like that and defiantly not being on my A game...I'll take the one pound loss. It's not what i needed to be on track to get 40 pounds down for the cruise, but as long as the scale continues to go down and i keep up the fight I'll be content. I'm already 10 pounds down this month and my emt pants, well the ones i stole from Lewis, actually fit again. I can bend over and the button does not pop open. Success! This weight and bad habits did not happen over night and i have to remember that getting it off and building new habits is going to take more then a few good weeks. It's going to take months and years of hard work, sweat, tears. and FEAR! Dedicated to a Stewart who i met last night working Regional One. He use to be 220 pounds and is now 143. We asked how he did it and he advised sweat, tears, and fear. He was an odd little man, but he was right. We need to fear this fat that is on our bodies. It not only makes us look bad and not be able to fit into the cute little clothes we want, but it also can bring heart problems, strokes, diabetes, high blood pressure, breathing problems, joint pain, and on and on. So, i shall fear the fat and with sweat, tears, and some few choice words I will get it OFF my body! Nothing can stand in my way for that sexy slim new body. ;D

Glad that week is over! Week 3 has never been my luckiest week. Idk if it has something to do with my period or what, but every 3rd week of the month i struggle. I have to remember this and be more prepared. No excuses! Now, on to week 4!

Trucking On

Weigh In: 271.4 Loss: 3 Pounds BMI: 41.3

Can't complain with those results. Another week down and still on track. :D

High Lights of The Week:

1: Free day was at Five Guys. I ordered the veggie sandwich, a order of fries, and a water. The order of fries was my free food for the week. That night i ate out with momma as well at Cheddar's. I ordered the baked salmon, green beans, and broccoli with a water.

2. A lady at work brought in a box of glazed doughnuts, a box of mini cinnamon rolls, and a box of mini chocolate brownies. For 3 days at work they set next to me on our community table in dispatch. For 3 days i did not touch any of it. Talk about will power! Every now and then you would see me look over and ohhh how i wanted some of it, well, all of it, soooo bad. I stayed strong though! :D

3. My back has been feeling better each day. Before i got back into the swing of things i could barely do chores around the house before my back would start killing me and i had to sit down. I have never had this issue before now and its very annoying. Especially on days i want to get things done and i just...can't. Thankfully with each workout i get done, the weight is going down, and my back is getting stronger again.

4. My workouts are not getting easier, but i can do more reps without taking a break. Such a great feeling! I'm starting to notice each body area is slowly getting stronger and able to last a little longer. Each workout done is making me stronger, healthier, and more smileys on my calendar. woot woot!

This week has really taught me that i don't have to hide in the house. I can still live my life, enjoy it, and still loose weight. This is a life style change! It's about taking what is in front of you and making the best choice. It's like a constant life test and i plan to pass with flying colors.

Bring on week #3!

*C-O-N-T-R-O-L*

Weigh In #2: 274.4 BMI: 41.7 Loss: 6.0 Pounds

That's what I'm talking about! What a great first week! I have alot to be proud of this week, but that weigh in right there is just the icing on the cake. If only every weigh in could be like the one after your first week. :D I'm going to stay motivated and fight like it is the first week every week though so i hope to continue to see great results. Whoop Whoop!

High lights of the week:

1. All smileys up on my exercise calendar. I love seeing those colorful little faces everyday. Who knew stickers could be such a motivation?! They defiantly push me to stay on track and get my exercise done no matter what. I can NOT leave one sticker behind! HeeHee

2. Ate out 3x this week. 2 while working at Regional One and 1 dinner out with the hubs. I let the first one be my free day and had Okelly's. I stuck with the chicken salad sandwich and water, but allowed myself to enjoy their yummy, oh so big, cinnamon roll. I'm so proud to report that was the only thing i allowed myself on my free day. Usually i let it be a free for all day and eat whatever i can, but that does nothing in learning new habits. It's all about enjoying the little things in life in moderation and control! The 2nd one was dinner during a night shift at Regional One. I decided to eat at Sheetz and instead of getting my foot long steak and cheese sub, with mayo, cheese, mushrooms, onions, and ranch on the side i got a steak salad with onions and used only one small cup of ranch. I also usually get a big soda to go with my meal...Dr Pepper from the fountain, drool...but i got a huge water instead. Survived the night with no munchies attack and no guilt. Dinner with the hubs was at AppleBee's. I got a 7oz sirloin, mixed veggies, and little red potatoes. I also enjoyed a few potato twisters. No soda again, only cool, refreshing water. Take that body! :D

3. Places i said no to: Wendy's x2, Chick-Fil-A, pizza the hubs made at home-smelled amazing, but i remained away, left over Christmas chocolate laying around the kitchen,  and doughnuts at Sheetz. I was really nervous working at Regional One and sticking to my new eating plan, but after this first week and being able to say no to alot more things then i thought i could, i feel so much stronger. The more i say no the easier it is getting.

4. Got off CCOM at 7am. I had to be at Regional One at 10am. It was cardio day and that means doing a workout on my Wii Active 2. After being up all night i did not feel like moving that much and sweating, but I DID IT! I got a 25 minute workout done and a 30 minute bike ride. Yeah Yeah! I was dreading the workout, but at the end...it felt amazing and was a great start to my day. Gotta Fight, For Your Right, To Sticker!!!

5. I wanted to reward myself today with Bojangles after such a great weigh in, but then i was like, why?! After such a great week why start week 2 with grease and way to many unwanted calories, right? Exactly! Instead i enjoyed my yummy chocolate breakfast shake. Filled me up and left me with no guilt. :happy dance:

Such a strong first week! I can honestly say i am proud of myself and ready to rock week #2 even more. I'm trying not to focus to much on the numbers this go around, but i would love to be 240 by the time i leave for my cruise. That means i need to loose 4 pounds this week and 3 pounds every week after. Not to crazy and doable, i just have to stay motivated and in control. If i continue to have weeks like this, i know i can make it. Mind over body!

Lucky 13!

Weigh In: 280.4 BMI: 42.6

Happy New Year! I am quite excited to begin a new year and a new blog! I miss having a place i can come to and just let it all out. The good, the bad, and the crazy. The number 13 is one of my lucky numbers, so, I'm excited to see what it has in store for me this year. :D

I'm so ready to say goodbye to 2012. There were a few happy moments, but all and all it was just horrible. I defiantly hit rock bottom. Unexpected deaths, relationship issues, and stress, stress, stress. My job at Regional One had become the biggest stress and it had me going to a shrink and a family doctor to try anti-depressants/anti-anxiety pills. I was so lucky to find a doctor that truly listened to me and tried me out on Celexa. I know she wanted to help me, but she was informed of my struggle with weight and she still tried this pill first. Come to find out this pill is not only prescribed to people with depression and anxiety problems, but also for people with eating disorders. It makes your brain feel like you are never full, so, you want to continue to eat and eat throughout the day. I was 211 when i started the pill and ended up at 268, per the doctor scale, when she finally took me off of it. Thankfully, she understood more of my weight issues at this point and started me on Viibryd. It's a newer pill out that has no issues with weight gain or loss. So far it's doing amazing! My appetite has slowly got back to normal and food is not constantly on my mind.

The real wake up call though came on December 31, 2012. I laid down for an hour and a half nap between jobs and woke up to my legs swollen from mid thigh all the way to my toes with horrible tingles. I had to call out of work and head straight to the doctor. The nurse weighed me and advised i had gained another 20 pounds since my last visit, which was just over 3 weeks prior. 20 pounds in less then a month?! I knew i had gotten worse, but not that bad. Once she left the room i just cried. Pill or no pill...how could i let this happen to myself. I have never been that big! I don't even recognize myself in the mirror or pictures anymore. I can not be that girl i see...i just can't. I fought through some rough emotions, but finally got myself together before the doctor came in. She is so kind and advised Celexa may still be leaving my system and could account for the extra pounds. She took my blood work again to double check my thyroid also. It never hurts to double check these things. The swelling she believed was due to my weight gain which may be causing sleep apnea. I'm probably not getting the circulation i need in my legs at night due to it. Well, I'm fat and i possibly suffocate myself when i sleep. Go me! Going home that day i knew i had to do something. There can not be anymore excuses or denial. I'm stealing my husband's clothes right now cause i have hardly nothing in my closet that will fit. I have to wear his jeans, EMT pants, dress pants, and some shirts. Really?! It's just embarrassing and i can not believe i just ignored all my clothes slowly not being able to fit.

The past is the past! It's 2013! My lucky 13! Yes, i am 280 pounds...a number i never thought i would see. A number i will NEVER see again! I have so many firsts this year and so many things to live for. A cruise, a baby, a wonderful husband, family, and friends. I can not continue to let this weight have control of me. My depression and anxiety is linked alot to my weight, so, getting this weight off will not only help my physical health, but my mental health as well. I'm so tired of hating myself, being ashamed of myself, and not knowing who i am anymore. It's crazy how a number and your image can control so much of who you think you are. My favorite image is a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body. She is kicking and fighting to get out. That is how i feel. I will keep kicking and fighting through out this whole year and for the rest of my life. I will not shorten my life over a moment of pleasure with a favorite food. I am stronger then my cravings and much stronger then my emotions. I will learn new habits this year that will stick for life. This is not a diet, it's a life style change!

The Yo-Yo life is over! I've been working at this since the summer before high school and it has to end! I'm tired of getting to a comfortable weight and then letting all my hard work go down the drain. 140 is my goal and i will get there. It may not be this year, especially if baby #1 comes, but i will get there! Through vacations, deaths, relationship issues, work stress, and whatever else life may throw at me....i will get there! Mr scale...the boss is back!!! :D