Happy New Year?

Weigh In: 304.4

It's not what I wanted to see, but it was not as bad as I thought it would be. It is what it is and I'm ready to get that number shrinking week by week.

Food has been good this week. Exercised twice. Skipped yesterday due to New Years Eve, getting home late, and just being right out exhausted.

Today...trying to be strong. Trying not to eat the left over ice cream i left at work. I hope that saying about what you do the first day of the new year will represent the rest of your year. Lewis got bad at me for asking him to fix my seats that he had put up when using my car a couple weeks. A simple request i thought....man he just blew up. Saying i was to lazy to put them down, he doesn't know why i like them down, why do i want them down, blah blah blah. I was like, you put them up and it would have been nice of you to return them to the place they were in when you used my car, but besides that I'm asking you nicely to fix them for me if you could. That just lead to a fight that eventually lead to him saying, this is why i have been planning on leaving, but haven't had the money too. What?! I thought at first he just said it to be mean, to push my buttons. Later while talking by text message he said it was true. So, here i am planning our anniversary pics and vacation, a baby, and getting healthier to improve our relationship. He's over there trying to figure out how to leave. After hours of texting and fb messages it didn't get anywhere. I have an attitude, I'm mean to people, he's not comfortable with me around his people. Blame blame blame. We're miserable, we're not happy, maybe we're not meant to be. Where is this coming from? I mean really? I know we have our issues, what couple doesn't? I never knew it was this bad. Yes, i have some issues with him, things he does that just grind my nerves, but that's a marriage. I didn't marry him because he was perfect. I married him because i loved him, good and bad. I'm not miserable! He doesn't make me unhappy! I'm having some issues due to my weight and our love life is zero. But...we have talked about this! Now, it's an issue. I'm not affectionate enough for him. He says he tries and i deny everything. Well, I'm not a freakin' animal! I don't respond to pulls and touches. Open the lips God gave you and tell me what you want. I asked for alittle extra attention and verbal love, but why should he do it all he says? I'm not well right now and working on it everyday. Ive apologized for it and let him know it's not him. It's hard for me to love and be loved right now when i can't even love myself.

He's going to his shrink tomorrow for his ADHD follow up. I told him to ask her if she does couples or knows someone that does. He was told to get a name and number and with luck maybe we can find a day to go together. With our work schedule...who knows. How can a couple stay together working the way we do? I work, he's off. He's off, i work. Real healthy!

New Year's Eve was a dinner at AppleBee's that had some conversation, started by me, and nothing else. Then an exciting trip to krogers for our bi weekly groceries. Then home where we sat and watched the ball drop.. No new year's kiss. Nothing else! He didn't even look over at me when the ball dropped. Happy New Year! Not! We get to bed and of course we sit there with our IPADS. I ask for some back rubs and he gets pissed. He wants to play on his IPAD. OK, whatever! To sleep i went. We sure rocked in new year!

I don't know what to do. Right now I'm just soooo angry and hurt. I never saw this coming. I knew something was up with him, but didn't know he felt this bad about me. With the state I'm in with hating myself....it's not very helpful knowing your husband doesn't like much about you either. That he's not happy and miserable with you. Some days i don't know why we are still together or why I'm still living. He cleared it up I'm not a good person. The only guy out there that i thought could handle me and come to find out he cant. I don't know.....

Here's to a better tomorrow.

HOPE

Missed my Dr's appointment due to a Roanoke trip at Regional One. I tried calling to see if they would see me late or at another time that day, but they had nothing for me. The next appointment for a new PT was December 31st and I'm scheduled at Regional One that day. I don't know if it's the Devil playing with me some more or if this is a sign. I know my weight has alot to do with my mood and how I have been feeling. Maybe there is nothing wrong with my chemicals. Maybe getting off those birth control pills was the fix. Maybe I'm in denial. For now...I'm going to focus 100% on myself. Healthy food, exercise, devotionals, prayer. I have been focusing so much on my weight and how I look that i have not been able to get my mind on anything else. I've been so focused on how i look, how people see me, not wanting to see past friends because of how much i have changed in appearance, scared to go out in fear people are judging me by how big i am, fretting over what I'm going to wear, how i use to look, what i use to be able to wear, my stomach, my knees. my thighs, my arms, my face, my wrist, is Lewis still attracted to this blob, and on and on and on. I have created my own hell. I have created this darkness. I have allowed it and have been trying to make excuses for it all. I've been trapped in myself for far to long. Tonight at midnight...BEAST MODE IS ON!

13 weeks and 5 days until the Color Run. Count down is on! Hip hop abs with some elliptical and a side of bikey. No gluten and low carb. Helpful vitamins. Add in some personal soul searching and a whole lot of God's control. It will all equal out to one sexy machine come April. I don't know if i will be able to "run" but I'll sure be to able to move better then i did this year. :D

Tomorrow: weigh in, pictures, measurements. Day 1!

As my screen saver says: FAT WILL SURRENDER TO ME!!!

Month: hair cut, hair color, eyebrow wax, pounds falling off!

Thinking about taking a picture everyday or maybe every week of my face. I want to make a slide show at the end of this and watch my transformation. Even if i get pregnant this year i want to watch all the little changes.

Ultimate goal: Be at goal weight by my high school reunion in 2016. Totally realistic even with a pregnancy in the middle. FOCUS!

I can't wait to get in smaller jeans, be able to put on socks comfortably, no more muffin top, be comfortable in clothes, recognize myself in the mirror, toned muscles, not getting out of breath after normal activity, love myself!

So many plans! It is so nice to finally feel the hope that i can do this. I don't have to be the "big girl" for the rest of my life! I do not have to settle with this! I'm in control! It's time to let my beast out, dig myself out of this pit of darkness!!!

I read yesterday that 2014 is the year of Light. Makes me smile! I'm ready for the light! I'm ready to SHINE!

Dreams

It's crazy how one dream can set the mood for the rest of your whole day. In the last month I have had 2 dreams where Lewis leaves me. One dream I am in the back of an ambulance where a woman's child aborts and is birthed with her crazy husband in the back screaming its her fault then screaming its his fault for punching her. Last night I had a dream about an old coach. Most dreams I remember bring up memories that are not always bad, but my mind will dwell on them all freakin' day. Constantly replaying things! You should have done this, you shouldn't have done that, what if this happened, what if that didn't happened, this is what actually happened, why are you thinking about this, and on and on and on. It is quite exhausting! Days like today i dwell so much about the past that I get in this funk. I feel down, sad, depressed, tired, regretful, lost, alone, forgotten, worried, and down right blah! I can not wait for some kind of relief....from myself.

Dreams...they can be powerful little moments. So can the process of sleep! I love sleep, but right now it's a battle. Getting to sleep, staying asleep, getting comfortable, having dreams, and not wanting to get up. It doesn't help either that i got black out curtains. No light! It is so peaceful and makes me just want to stay cuddled up in my bed forever! If my brain would 100% shut down during sleep....I'd never want to wake up. Well....at least for a while. The world is just to busy for me right now. I just want warmth, blankie, no light, moisturized air, and peace. Sounds sooooo good right now as I'm sitting here at work trying to survive this last hour.

Happy note...our Christmas Eve and Christmas is tomorrow and Tuesday! My Christmas spirit may be foggy this year, but my 5 year old side is freakin' excited! It's the one day of the year i love to see morning come. :D HoHoHo

1 Step, 2 Step, 3 Step, 4

Step 1: Last Saturday I took my last birth control pill. After some research and talking to people that have known me on and off it...I think it may have something to do with my crazy moods throughout the years and possibly even why my nerves and temper are always on edge. I wanted to wait till I spoke with a doctor, but I have got impatient and want to take whatever steps i can on my own to get better. Me and the hubs are not that active right now, heck zero active...sooooo, there is no fear of a maybe baby. The body wants it, but the mind is like, uck! NO! I just think God everyday for my hubba. He is being so understanding, patient, and supportive right now. I couldn't ask for a better man.

Step 2: Yesterday I finally got an appointment set up with my new Dr's office. It has been over 3 weeks and they still do not have my paper work from my last Dr's office. Thankfully I had an amazing lady answer the phone. I was like, I have been patient as long as i can, but my depression, anxiety, and swelling ain't getting any better and I'm at the end of my rope. I just want an appointment and start on the help i need and want desperately. I can tell them about my past history better then any paper can, i can tell ya that much! So yeah! Next Monday at 8:30 I head in. I have to see a male doctor which to most people doesn't sound like anything off, but i have never seen one. I don't feel comfortable with one and I don't think they will understand my problems as well as a female. I don't know?! I don't want to wait any longer for my lady doc to get back, so, I'm just going to suck it up and get this first appointment done! It's just the meet and greet with a side of blood work soooo i should be ok. Hopefully, he is a rocking doctor and proves all my fears wrong. :crossing fingers:

Step 3: Survive the weekend and starting this Monday I am getting back into the swing of healthy living. I want to make the weigh in at the Doctor's office and my weigh in at the end of the month to be as good as i can make it. I just pray i do not see 300 or above. The highest i have weighed myself this year was 297.6. 299.9 or below is what i need to see. I mean...whatever it shows on 12/30 is what it will be....I just don't want to say I weighed 300 pounds. :Sigh: I have slacked enough for the last 2 months...time to get ready for  the beast mode of 2014! ;D

*2014*

It's hard to write any more. I don't know how to get things from my head into words. Music has been my only escape. Even now I'm having trouble trying to get out what i want to say. Life just sucks! My life in general doesn't but my out look does. Since September i have been slowly falling into this dark hole and try as i might i can not get myself out of it. I hate the sun, i hate light. I just want to stay in my bed with the curtains closed tight and my fave music blasting. I want to escape from myself. I want to escape from the world. I want to throw my phone into the ocean. I want to run away. I want to feel happy again. I want this dark shadow that seems to follow me every where to go away! I hate myself some days. I hate how i look. I hate how clothes feel on me. I...I hate not loving myself anymore. I hate wasting another day. I hate food. I hate not having control. I hate the numbness. I hate the loneliness. I hate i can't fix myself. I hate mirrors. Who is that girl i see? That can't be me? How did i get this bad? Why can't i get control? Why can't i be healthy? I HATE THIS FAT! Every one tells me, oh summer, think goodness you are tall. You don't look that big at all. ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND?! Seriously?!

2013 was suppose to be the year. I was suppose to get control. I was suppose to get this weight off. But here i am...just a few weeks from 2014. Im still fat. I'm still not in control. My depression is getting worse as the days go. My anxiety has returned. I had 3 attacks in November...2 in public and 1 where i actually called the police to check my house. Who am i? December was suppose to be the month i start back. Taking each day at a time and getting back to my routine. What a joke! Every day i make an excuse to sleep in. I make an excuse to eat what i shouldn't. EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES! I'm just sick of it all! So, why can't i get myself together? Why am I constantly fighting myself on a daily basis just to live? Thank God for my stubborn personality. I don't know where i would be if i didn't have that. It's the one thing i have in myself that still gets me out of bed everyday. It's what gets me through normal day to day things that most people would find easy. Taking a shower, brushing my air, getting dressed, going to work, eating, etc. It's such a struggle right now. I'm exhausted. I ache. I want to cry over stupid things or in stupid places. I want a hug, but I don't want to be touched. I want to be around people to escape myself, but want to be left alone at the same time. 

I just hope when i call the Dr's office today they have my paperwork. It's been 14 days and i don't know how much longer i can wait. I know i need help and for once i'm so ready for it. I'm done trying to fix things on my own. I need Dr's and God more then ever! I know i have an amazing support group around me and i am so blessed! They all are the life line i need right now. Some days i feel like they would be better off without me, but i know deep down that is not true. How could i leave this earth on purpose with all these people fighting for me. I can't let them down. I trully feel like i have a purpose in this life. I know God has something exciting for me at the end of this dark tunnel. I just need to cry out for him, let him in 100%, surrender my life once and for all! I know you are there Lord! I've pushed you away just like i do people in my life. I've let the Devil and his demons control my life and make me feel things that aren't reality. You are my reality. My past, present, future, and eternity. I pray for your strength, patience, your peace, comfort, and your love. Light will always be stronger then darkness! I feel far away from that light and you Lord, but i know i will get there. I just need to keep holding on. I need to try. I need to fight! I need to trust and have faith. 

2014...i have so many plans and dreams. I want to finally get control of my life. I want to be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. I want my own little bun in the oven! Oh....i want to be a mommy so bad! I want a little LewLew running around my home. I want that little bundle of joy so bad. I know right now i'm not ready and it breaks my heart. I did this to myself. But! I will fix this. I will be the mommy my future babies will be able to look up to. A mommy to raise them up strong, kind, full of Jesus, and love for all. I've had many dreams of what i wanted to be once i grew up. The one thing that has never changed...becoming a mother. It will be the best dream come true! 

This blog post is all over the place, but i feel a little better. I want to blog everyday in 2014 even if i can only get one sentence down. I want a record of my emotions. A record of my journey crawling out of the darkness. The day i become pregnant. The day i hit ONEderland. My 5th anniversary. All the ups and downs of this beautiful, crazy life i have been blessed to live. I will make it!

September Conquered!

Month Total: -9.8 Pounds
Start: 291.2 End: 281.4
Start BMI: 44.3 End BMI: 42.8

Feeling pretty good! Wanted to loose a total of 10 pounds, but i say that is close enough! I had no free days, no soda, and stuck to my 1 gallon a day for the majority of the month. I allowed myself to eat out, but stuck with my WW points and chose the best thing i could. I'm just really proud of myself for finally sticking to it. Will power was in high gear with no room for excuses. Last month proved i can still enjoy life while getting this weight off. I don't have to hide or stick to a crazy diet plan or exercise regiment. I'm practicing every day to make this journey a life style change. I'm out to not only change my outside, but my inside as well. All the way from my brain, to my thighs, to my heart, and my soul. You can't fix one and expect everything else to fall in line. Everything has to get together and work for the main goal = a healthy lifestyle.

I'm pumped for October and the results to come. Today i plan to get my measurements and pictures taken. I want a visual record to look back on. Something to keep pushing me forward. Something to look at to see the me i never want to be again. Sticking with pretty much the same goals as September, but allowing one free day this month. Maybe! I rocked so well last month that i may try for month #2 with no free day. I don't want anything to make me slip up!

Here's to the next 10 off!

Feeling Powerful

1st week of September down and I'm feeling AWESOME! Lost 1.2 pounds with me being at an even 290 now. I'm coming 280's, I'm coming! LoL I stuck to my exercise schedule without changing it or missing a day. I said no to a dozen doughnuts that traveled with me for a whole day until i got home to give them to Lewis. I said no to Lewis' leftover pizza and no to chocolate cake at work. The smell diet sure got me through the week. Sniff Sniff! LoL I was also able to get a gallon of water in every day of the week. Talk about commitment! That gallon water jug has become my new best friend. :D

This week has been going strong. Really wanted to skip my tone day yesterday since i got home around 10pm, but i took a breath and just got it done. I had to stay up late anyway for the next day's night shift, so, there was no reason i couldn't get it done. I know what i want and skipping exercises and flipping around my workout calendar is not going to get me there. It just pushes me back! The longer i stick to this, the easier it will be.

Really proud of myself for my food choices and sticking with my WW points again. Pre-planning as  far ahead as i can really is helping and keeps me on track. Staying away from situations where i have to choose food the last minute is the best plan of attack right now. One day i will be strong enough and want to choose the right things, but for now...not so much. haha

I'm ready to rock the rest of this week and see what my next weigh in shows. :D

Tough Love

- 30 days of no cheats

- 30 days of no soda

- 1 gallon of water each day

- No frozen meals/packaged meals

- Cardio: Leslie Sansone DVD 3 mile

- Tone: Target Toning DVD 

- Track points every day

I am not where i want or should be, so, it's time to get serious and tough on myself. Allowing myself a cheat day once a week is not working. It is not allowing my body to build up good self control. I plan to do a whole 30 days without any cheats. Then 30 days with only one cheat day for the month. The next 30 days I'll allow 2 cheat days for the month. I'll do this until i reach the point where i can safely allow a cheat day once a week again. 

I want this year on weight watchers to be a success. I want to be 100 pounds down and see that wonderful ONEderland again. I want to feel confident and beautiful for our 5th anniversary photos. I want to be healthy and get my body ready to try for our first baby. Oh my gracious the baby fever is high! I want my own little bundle of joy! I refuse to start though until I'm in a healthy weight range. I want that cute baby bump, not extra fat around the middle. I CAN DO THIS!

It's time for success! No more excuses! No more letting food rule my life! I have plans and a system to help me. The only thing standing in my way...is ME! Well, ME needs to stand aside and recognize the new life style change. RECOGNIZE!!! 

Pushing On

Almost done with my 2nd month on Weight Watchers. I was hoping to be close to 20 pounds down by now, but sadly...I'm not even close. After Monday's weigh in I'm 6 pounds down. Lost over 5 last month, so, as you can see this month is progressing turtle style. I lost 3 pounds last week which felt amazing and finally showed something for all my hard work. This weekend though we threw a party for Roni and Lil Ricky's birthday. I had alot of booze, hot dogs, cake, soda, no water, and no real exercise. Blah! Gained over 2 pounds of the 3 back. Doesn't help that TOM starts this week as well. Rawr! I'm trying to stay positive and focus on the little things i need to change each week, but with TOM hormones...this week has been quite a struggle to stay up beat.

I'm committed to tracking my points and activity. I'm not skipping weigh ins. I have even stuck with only having Bojangles twice a month! Come on! But...if I'm honest with myself i think my free day a week is bringing me down. I let myself have soda that day and treats I'm not allowed on a regular day. The extra problem is I'm not focusing on getting my water in or exercising on that day. I'm putting all this extra points and junk in my body and not working for it. Just because it's a free day, doesn't mean i have to go buck wild and sit on my butt!!!

Positive moment of this hormonal week: i won over cravings last night while working at R1. It was a constant night with little sleep and i wanted Sheetz soooooo bad! I had a couple chances to go by there, but i pushed through and just kept saying no. I feel like the more i stay in control the more the cravings will learn their place! ;D Another good moment is from today. The AC unit froze up and the house is quite toasty! Not a very fun place right now to get up and get a sweat on. I may pass out or melt away...neither sound very fun to me! BUT! Due to the warmth i got my bathing suit on and went outside to enjoy our pool. I floated around and just relaxed for 30 minutes and the last 30 minutes i made my own little pool workout. Swam some, floated some while crunching abs/moving arms, walked around pool with knees bent, and did a side crab walk. Felt amazing! Probably the most relaxing workout i have done!

So, even though my mind is going crazy over thinking about the numbers on the scale, I'm still pretty positive. The numbers may not be where i want them to be, but my body is feeling much better. My back doesn't hurt as bad when I'm doing things, my ankles haven't swelled in quite a while, and my workouts are getting easier to stick with. Regardless of the numbers...I'm doing amazing things for my body and i just need to keep focusing ahead. Every day brings something to accomplish and learn from...good or bad.

Weight Watchers

It's been quite a month since i last posted on here. The last 6 months have been quite a struggle and near the end of June i knew something had to change. I was not making any progress on my own and my weight was slowly getting higher and higher. I had to suck it up and realize i could not do this on my own anymore. Even with the support group on FaceBook, i needed something more. I needed something like BuddySlim to give me a push and make me more accountable. I have always tried to find free sites, like BuddySlim, but they always come with problems. The site going now for hours, things on the site not working, and threats the site will go down. There are some that are ok, but also make you pay for the extra stuff. I'm just done with that. I have always been curious about Weight Watchers, but have never taken the plunge due to the money. Well, after some research I decided to join. The best part...my momma said if i stick with it, commit, and make it a month she will pay for my start up fee. Amazing! With the great help and tracking from W.W. and the money push from momma i almost have my first month now. This will me my first month the whole year i have made it through without screwing up. The month has not been perfect I'll be honest, but it could have been alot worse. Keeping track of my food points is soooo much easier then calories and it really keeps me self conscious of what food i should and should not eat. Just...amazing! :D

So far this month i am down 5.8 pounds. The major goal is to lose 10 pounds a month, but anything is better then nothing or a gain. I'm excited for ever ounce and pound that comes off. This last weigh in i only lost 0.2 pounds, but this girl was thrilled! Only exercised like 3 days and had 3 days of not so good food choices and soda. Not seeing a gain and showing some kind of loss....works for me!!! I just want to keep going down no matter how little or much it wants to go. I have to keep pushing on and work on not setting myself back with gains. Gains may seem small at first, but they cause emotions that lead to not caring, bad choices, and more pounds. I'm looking forward, not back!

Next month has already been planned for exercise and goals. I'm moving from the 1 mile on my walking DVD to the 2 mile. Woot Woot! I'm trading the Wedding toning DVD to the 10 minute Solution Target Toning DVD. I alternate those and have a rest day before weigh in. This month ahead i want to continue focusing on my food choices and fighting the lazy bone. This month i did amazing at the beginning with getting my exercise in and then near the middle i started slacking. I don't need to be perfect every day, but no matter what, i want to get in some kind of movement. Even if that movement is just cleaning the house or taking a small ride on the bikey. It all adds up and gives me activity points. ;D

I know I'm sticking with W.W. for a year. Next July i hope to be way under 200 and start trying for baby #1. It would be even better if i can hit my normal high weight range, 164.4. That would have me at a comfortable and safe weight to start trying. Either way I'm still gonna be focused on my weight and working towards that goal weight of 145. :D Once we know we are having a baby I'll be more concerned of maintaining, losing what i can, and major focus on not gaining anymore then is necessary for the baby. From my research you shouldn't gain more then 20 pounds. I need to speak with my doctor and confirm all this, but right now that's my aim.

Oh goodness i can not wait to get this extra chunk off! I want my hubs to be able to just engulf me again in his hugs and pick me up. I want to be able to lay on my back again without my neck and boobs trying to strangle me. I want to be able to go outside in the heat without feeling like every piece of me is sweating and swelling up. I want to be able to spend a whole day out shopping or having fun without my ankles swelling and hurting. I want to see my wrist bone and collar bone again. I want that little flap of skin/fat on my back leg to go away. Talk about something rubbing together and hurting! I want to be able to wear cute jeans again without the muffin top. I want to be able to fit into all my old shirts. I want to be able to have an adorable baby bump! :D

*Wonder Woman*

Skipped our last weigh in. The week was very emotional, bad eating, and only one day of exercise. I just couldn't deal with what the scale may have shown. It is only the 3rd weigh in i have skipped this year, so, I'm not to upset about it. Alot better then the skips from last year, that's for sure. Anyway...been trying to do better this week and get ready for the next weigh in. It hasn't been perfect, but I'm trying. This morning i let my emotions control me and i got Lewis to bring me Bojangles. Chicken biscuit, bo rounds, Dr.Pepper, and 2 bo-berry biscuits. I wanted fries, but once again the drive through people did not read the receipt right. It just hit the wrong nerve and they got a professional phone call to make sure they talk with their people about this and make sure they all can read. I should not have to check my bag every time i go. Sheesh! I also think it was Jesus' way of telling me i didn't need it this morning. I say eh! LoL

Even with this negative, there comes a very positive good from today. I did a whole 30 minute workout DVD when i got up this afternoon. Warm up, arm toning, power cardio, and a cool down. I have not done a whole 30 minutes in quite some time. I have had this thing in my head that i am so huge and i just am not able to do some things, BUT I CAN! 2nd accomplishment of the day...i rode my bike to work. 1.82 miles and about 18 minutes. There was a few times i thought i was just going to die, but i made it!!! I even had to has Jesus to give me a push or two. I never stopped, i just kept pedaling, and changing my gears. My poor butt also felt like it was just going to go numb and fall right off. LOL Thankfully once i hit main street it was a nice straight, smooth road and was very enjoyable. Weather was just right with a wonderful breeze. I can't even express in words right now how proud i am of myself. It's probably my most proudest moments of this year. Summer! You biked all that to work and you are still living! Remember this day and keep pushing yourself forward. At times i know i am going to feel like just falling down and giving up, but if i keep on pushing i know it will result in amazing rewards. :D

I have 12 hours at work to rest and then its round 2 to get back home. Lord...i may be calling on you again. heehee

Just Blah

June 1st weigh in: 285.2 Gain: 0.8 Pounds
Lewis had a small gain as well.
No winner for the week.

Had an amazing weekend away with my bestie, baby Brayden, and my momma. Did not want to end. Ate ok for being away from home, but have not got any exercise in for the last 3 days. The last 2 days i have been anchored to my couch snoozing. I had no energy or will to get up and do anything. All i wanted to do was sleep, drink apple juice, eat cereal, and repeat. I just wanted to stay like that forever. After a great weekend i do not know why my mood went south so fast. This mood is not helping get that gain back down...that's for sure. The Little Cesar's we had last night is not helping either. :Sigh: I've been craving Dr.Pepper as well, but proud to say i have kept to juice and water. The last 4 nights have not been good either. Sleep will just not come to me! I toss and turn, i feel like I'm burning up, and I'm dreaming like crazy! I'm also getting very dry at night in my mouth and nose. It's just uck! I know the lack of sleep is defiantly a part of where this mood is coming from.

I have decided today to come off my happy pills. Lewis says he can see a difference and is not to thrilled with my decision. Coming off can bring crazy moods...i was one crazy lady coming off Celexa. I have enough this time around to come off Viibryd with no crazy side effects...i hope. I have not been able to loose weight since being on some kind of pill. That just hit me today. I have been in constant yo-yo with my weight and my moods. I'm ready to stop and just move forward. It may have nothing to do with the pills, but i won't 100% know until i come off. Crossing fingers i can control my moods by myself along with getting control of my weight again. Honestly...I'm really nervous. My weight has alot to do with my mood and no happy pill is going to fix that. I'm just scared i can't live without a pill. That my life will constantly have to be leveled and stablizied by something i have to take every morning. That itself is depressing. IDK...maybe i should just call my doctor and see what she advises. Everyone keeps telling me to try Welburtin which can really help you loose weight, but im scared to try something else. I'm scared to go off, scared to try something else, and scared to use anything at all. Yay!

For now i'm just going off Viibryd. If it doesn't bring the results i hope...i guess i will make another appointment with the dr and go from there. I just hate this feeling of not knowing what to do with my own body and mind, having to rely on a dr and a pill. It's just blah on this blah of a day!

Winner

Last weigh in: 284.2 Loss: 3.8 Pounds
Lewis lost 2.6 Pounds

I picked The Lucky One to watch about the soldier who found a woman's picture over in war, came back to the states, found her, and fell in love. It was such a good movie, even with Lewis' man comments throughout it. LoL

Our free day this week we had lunch/dinner at Golden Corral and tried 3 different Chex Mix bags that were flavored with sweet goodies that night as our movie munchy. Had 2 plates of regular food at Golden Corral and one plate of deserts that me and Lewis split. Mmmmmm sugar! LoL Another one down, no regrets, and nothing crazy. Flower Power! Oh! I also had a little cup cake at work that afternoon. Thank goodness they brought them on my free day. LoL

Today i said no to a cup cake and a free sugar item. Work has been insane! CAD went down for hours and everything had to be done on paper. It was my first experience with that and it was very stressful. Everything had to be logged and looked up. Just crazy! How they did it back in the day...i do not know! LoL Anyway, Holly said since it was such a hectic day she would buy us all something sweet from McDonald's. Oh my, a milkshake or cookie break today would have been heaven, BUT i didn't need it. I just really, really wanted it. I was tough and said my magic word no. I even said no to the last cup cake. Holla! NO NO NO NO NO! LOL Right now i can't afford to slip up and make excuses to enjoy things i really shouldn't. I know where it will lead. One excuse here, one bad thing there, and before i know it all my hard work gets flushed down the drain and I'm back to where i started. Eating anything and everything. Not exercising. Gaining. I defiantly do not want to continue this up and down weight thing. I know it's not good for my body or my mind set. The more no's i throw the closer i get to my first chip!

Next weigh in for us is Saturday and I'm feeling good about it. I just want to see numbers slip on off for us and get those cruise bodies! heehee

Mind Over Food

Yesterday was our free day and i have to say i did pretty well. I was late for work and didn't have breakfast which was not so good, but the belly survived. Lunch was at my oh so fave place, O'Kellys. I had a chicken salad sandwich, Doritos, Cinnamon danish, and a Mr.Pibb. Dinner was at Western Sizzling where i only had 2 plates of food, only one roll, and i didn't dip my regular food in ranch. Success right there! I love my bread and ranch! LoL We decided to skip desert there and instead had it at Sweet Frog. It was defiantly what the sweet tooth needed. At home though Lewis asked where the left over pizza was from the other night and my craving meter went off the chart. I had forgot that was in the fridge and when he mentioned it i just had to have some! He said we could split it, but i said no. I had already had my meals for the day and didn't need to eat something just to eat it. I almost changed my mind at one point though. I walked to the fridge. opened the door, touched the contained, then set it back down. There was no since in eating it! I had just finished my bikey ride and didn't need extra, empty calories in me. I'm proud to say i walked away and didn't have any of it. The body was not happy, but once i got to bed, played with my IPOD, and watched a movie with Lewis it had pretty much forgotten it. That's the hardest part knowing the craving will pass. It's just a matter of sticking to your guns and finding something to do until the demon passes. I'm not saying i will pass every time, but winning last night's pizza trial really makes me feel good. I feel like i can get control again. I have to! I have those adorable poker chips to achieve. :D

Before Picture

So, here is the beautiful before picture. Did not realize how round the middle had become...have mercy. It's really weird how the brain sees things in mirrors then what it sees in pictures. Crazy little creature it is! Anyway, here i am at a whopping 288.0 pounds. I NEVER thought i would reach a number like this or look that above. Sigh! It is what it is and i am ready to commit and get this weight off for good. Even if that means slow and steady. I can't rush this. This weight did not come on over night and sure as heck ain't going away over night. My ultimate goal is to be at goal weight, 145, before my high school reunion which will be some time in 2016. That gives me 2 1/2 years to slim down, have a baby, and finish the rest of the weight.

I CAN DO IT!

For the rest of May I'm just going to focus on cardio- riding my bikey and walking when the weather/time allows me. Starting in June i will get back to my toning 3x a week. I'll start with 10 minutes 3x a week and slowly build myself back up to 30-60 minutes 3x a week. Right now my body just ain't got what it use to, to bust out a hard core weight workout. Heck...it can't even bust out a hard core cardio workout. The last time i tried...i really thought my heart was going to jump ship! I am not where i was a year ago and i have to remember my body has to build back up to that. It's been hard facing how out of shape i have become, but the good thing is i will get back to a mean, fighting, workout machine in no time. Woot! 

Get ready, cause here i come! Bump bump! Get ready, cause here i come! 

100 Pounds

Last weigh in I was 287.0 pounds. The evil cycle is still continuing to circle. I feel like i just don't know what to do anymore. Plan, not plan, go easy, go hard, eat this, don't eat that, exercise more, exercise less, try this pill, try that vitamin, drink this amount of water, but not this amount. I really feel that this journey has turned me into a crazy person inside. My depression or whatever you want to call it has it's good days, but i still am not feeling like myself. I hate my image in the mirror, I don't recognize myself sometimes. I'm embarrassed to go out and see certain people because i fear what they are thinking about me. "Oh goodness she has gained weight." Is that Summer, she's gotten big." And to the ones that i have encouraged to lose weight i feel like a complete failure. This was really bad last year and if i had it my way i would have never left the house. I have had moments like that this year, but thankfully this new medicine has really helped keep me moving forward. It seems really dark at the moment, but i know i will dig myself out of this for good one day. I have to many people in my life to support me that i know i will never truly fall into that darkness. I long for the sunshine above to touch my face and fill me with it's light. It's going to be a hard climb but with my stubbornness and pride and God's willing help...I'll reach it.

Our 4th anniversary is coming up and it hit me the other day looking back at some pictures that i am 100 pounds heavier then i was on our wedding day. 100 pounds! I know i have gained weight, but it never really hit me until then how much i had really packed on. Comparing pictures from then and now it's just mind blowing. I know it's me, but it looks like 2 totally different people. Every little feature about me has changed. My face, boobs, abs, back, arms, and my knees. I thank God for my height every day with all these extra pounds. I could not imagine what i would look if i was shorter. I see a little white ball of dough just rolling to and fro. Uck! I do not want to go another birthday or anniversary being this big. It's not 100% about my looks, but about finding myself again and getting healthy. The body changes and better image of myself will just be the bonus. We will take pics this year as always and i hope by our 5th anniversary we will have some amazing after pics to put beside these. :D

Speaking of before and after pics. I made a collage of 4 pics from our cruise in March and am making it our before pic collage. We are hoping to go on a cruise next April and i hope to have amazing pics to make another collage of our after pics and compare the two. I also made a collage with the picture from our honeymoon sitting on the rocking chairs and under it a pic of us sitting on these beach chairs from the cruise. It is a great visual of the changes in our body and what i want to get back to. It's hard to look at sometimes, but it's going to help keep me from going into denial and facing what i need to change.

Tomorrow starts the BoTime Challenge. No Bojangles for me until 10% of my body weight is gone- 28.9 pounds. I need a little tough love with myself and i thought this would be the toughest thing for me right now. Oh the yummy goodness...it shall be missed. LoL

I'm also thinking about starting me a weight loss charm bracelet. Every time i achieve a certain amount of weight loss or goal i will buy myself a charm. I want the charms to relate to my weight loss journey and things that will encourage me to keep on. Having something to wear will be another great visual guide to remind me of why I'm doing this. I think it will also be a great aid in helping me say no to things. I need things in my life right now to keep me focused, no matter how small it may be.

I know from the past couple months i will have good and bad days, but i want to fight on to when the good days start out numbering the bad. The time when the weight loss is adding up and not bouncing around. My brain and body is about had it with this yo-yo....it just can't continue. I fear for my future if i don't get a control of this. I fear what the scale may read, where my health may go, and if i will ever be able to have a child. I don't want that fear! Fear and worry have controlled my life along with food for to long! It's time to get into Wonder Woman mode and get it together.

You Are My SunShine

Weigh In: 282.4 Loss: 3.6 Pounds BMI: 42.9
Hubs Weigh In: 2.2 Pound Loss
Winner: Moi!

Finally! Last weigh in i was up to 286.0. A little 0.2 gain, but still a gain non the less. I thought being sick and hardly eating would help shed some pounds, but I'm thinking it had the reverse effect on me. Lack of food and water..i think my poor body was holding onto whatever it could.

Had a mental break down the other day. I think it was a combination of being sick for the last week and a half, lack of sleep, weight issues, and it being that TOM that made everything just come to the surface. I was on the phone with my momma when it happened. All she asked was how i was doing with my weight and i just started balling. I mean tears spilling non stop, choked up, snot running everywhere. It was embarrassing, but i think something i really needed. Mom was so comforting, but also tough. She understood where i was coming from, but reminded me of all the other times i had defeated this weight problem, that i could do it again, that i needed to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move forward. I was the only thing holding me back, destroying potential success. At the time i didn't want to hear any of it. Yeah i have done this before, but look where it has gotten me. The heaviest weight i have ever been. If I'm so good why can't i continue on and keep it off? How can i be such an inspiration and supported to her and others when i can't even help myself? I was really self hating and just hopeless. I'm happy to say though when i woke up the next morning, it felt like the sun had finally come back out. You know those commercials where the people with depression are in this dark hole...that's how i had been feeling for weeks. On this morning though i felt like i had finally pulled myself out. I can only think my momma for this. I didn't know how powerful her words and kindness were until now. My respiratory virus was pretty much on the down hill as well which helped a ton! I could feel my energy coming back and i felt like i could do anything!

What i really took away from the talk with my momma is i need to stop trying to do this weight loss journey and life in general in beast mode. I feel like if i don't stick to a certain plan 100% everyday that I'm a failure. If i mess up one day it leads to such negative thoughts. I have to learn that life is not perfect. That some things will come up that will have me to change my plans up a bit. And...that's ok! It's life. I have to learn to roll with the punches, stay positive, and keep moving forward. Just because one day goes bad does not mean more days, weeks, or months have to be just as bad. I don't have to wait till next week or next month to restart a plan or new one. I can start right now, right this second! Lewis is also teaching me that. He has been doing sooo amazing. He has been losing every week and is just taking each day at a time. Slow and steady can seem like it will take forever, but for my mental state...i know it will be better in the long run. It all adds up and i need to also remember that i have my whole life ahead to focus and be healthy. Trying to chop this all off as fast as i can is only going to lead to more negative thoughts, frustrations, and keeping me right on this evil cycle. I'm done with the cycle!

I am proud to admit that through all the struggles i have had the past few months...i have been binge free. I have ate bigger portions then i should and maybe a snack here and there i shouldn't, but i have not had a true binge since before our cruise i do believe. That was a big issue i had and it has taken me just this week to realize i have been fighting and can honestly say that part is gone. I have a desire to eat, but i always stop at one snack now. If it's not what my body wanted...oh well. Soooo yay! Through the darkness i have finally make one star appear. ;D

Beast mode is over. I'm who i am and i will do me. There is no one i need to prove anything to, but myself. I love myself and will from this day forward praise even the smallest success towards a healthy, smaller me. There will be bad days, but i will get through them and become stronger. There can not be anymore excuses or letting the darkness consume me. I have to keep fighting for the light. And the days i feel i can't....i will reach out to my momma or hubba...the 2 people in my life that are always my Sunshine no matter how gray my skies are. :D

The Cycle

Week 1-2: Beast mode. I'm strong, motivated, and focused. You can put anything in front of me and i can say no. It's not worth it. Weight is just falling off.

Week 3: Excuses. There usually is some event or my mind gets into this mode that I have been so good the last couple weeks that i should relax some. Instead of an extra day the excuses usually lead to a week of bad food choices, but i usually stick with my exercise. I can usually maintain, but most times i get a gain for this week.

Week 4: Guilt and depression sit in. I focus on all the weigh i lost the first couple weeks and how i let excuses bring me down and my weight right back up. I think of all the months gone by with nothing to show. I think of the years i have been fighting and losing. Why can't i control it? Why can't i enjoy myself for one day and not let that lead to a bad week? Why does food have such a hold on me? WHY?! I'm very withdrawn this week and would live in my bed eating ice cream and cookies if i could. Exercise is the last thing on my mind. Weigh in is usually a gain. It's a very dark time for me.

Week 5: DETERMINATION! I'm all about brushing it off, picking myself up, and setting new goals/plans. It's recharging time and getting myself refocused on what is important. It's about faking it till i can make it again. Exercise is up front and center again. The darkness is still there, but I'm dragging and clawing towards the light. Usually have a loss this week which fuels me into the next month.

*Repeat cycle*

It's exhausting! Some friends on FB who have been with me the last couple years with my weight loss suggested to talk with  my doctor again. The cycle could have something to do with TOM or my medicine or a combination of the two. It makes since, but i HATE going to the doctor. I feel weak and whiny. It's so frustrating that i can't get some kind of control on my own. I hate being dependent on a pill, especially when it doesn't seem to be helping anymore. Thinking about going up to the next dose, 40mg. If that doesn't work...i guess ill suck it up and speak with my doctor again. She is the best one i have had in a while, so, that does help. We shall see...i just need to do what Lewis says. JUST DO IT! I know it's not good for me, i know it makes me feel bad, i know what's coming...why do i do it then?!The million dollar question. If i could answer that...id be a weight loss machine. I use to be, but trying to find that balance is alot harder then i thought. I don't want to trade a food addiction to exercise/weight loss addiction like i did a few years back. I never left the house and anything i did allow myself to go to had to be planned around my crazy workout schedule. It was just insane! I want that happy balance of healthy food, junk food, rest, and good exercise. I have the tools, the support, the money, and the drive...i just need to keep looking at the light. Even if i have to crawl, scrap, and dig...i need to stay focused on the light. So done with the darkness and being this girl i know I'm not. I'm tired of living in this body that makes me uncomfortable and so unhappy.

Weigh In: 285.8 Gain: 4.7 Pounds BMI: 43.5
Lewis' Weigh In: 295.0 Loss: 3.6 Pounds BMI: 37.9

4th Week Winner: Lewis

I hate you week #3!

April 1st me and the LewLew started our new healthy life style. Our goal is to get as much weight off as we can and reach a normal weight range by April 1st next year. Lewis has said he would do it with me mnay times, but never really gave it a try. This time around...he's doing amazing! I am so proud of him and he's really keeping me in check. He has lost 6.4 pounds so far this month and has totally fixed his addiction with soda. SO PROUD! :D

The first 2 weeks i was on the ball! I lost 10.2 pounds. Talk about amazing! Then week 3 hit. The cursed week 3. This time around i had my birthday, birthday party, co-worker's birthday, and dispatch appreciation week. Let's just say there was alot of sweet left overs and free food laying around. I totally enjoyed it all...way to much! I am proud to say i exercised every day and tried to make up with that for all the bad food i was eating. Sadly...it didn't help at all. 3rd week weigh in came and i am up 2.7 pounds. I just want to go one round and not have a freakin' gain...especially during week 3. What is it about week 3...it's like my body fought hard for 2 weeks and is done. I don't mind maintains, but gaining is such a set back. I would love to say i took that weigh in and let it fire me up, but sadly week 4 has not started out that wonderful. Water sucking, soda, and bad food choices. I am getting my exercise in and plan to tip this food thing in the bud NOW! Uhhhhhhh! I have such a bitter sweet love with food. I love it, but yet...i hate it. It's holding me back so much! I have got to get a hold of this addiction! I am proud to say though i have not had one binge this month or allowed myself to eat out of any of the emotions i have been having. I plan to keep this up and get my first chip. :D

I'm getting my act together and plan to have a wonderful weigh in this week. I would love to take down this gain and have a little loss added to it. If i stick to my guns and focus i should still be able to keep with my 10 pound loss for the month. I can do this! I can't let Lewis win another weigh in! His movie choices suck! ;D

Back To Reality

The cruise was amazing! It was better then i thought it ever could be. I didn't bring my scale and i have skipped the last 2 weigh ins. I could not find a good spot to pack it and was to stress all the movement it would go through would mess up the insides. I didn't weigh when i got back due to extreme swelling...my poor ankles! I did exercise while away and the 3 days we were off the boat we walked, walked, walked, and walked some more. LOL Food was free anytime and anywhere. We did eat alot, but thankfully they had small portions...we just ate alot of them together. LoL All and all i feel good about it on the health front. I tried snails, lamb, and mussels for the first time. We also had lobster tail 2 nights on the ship. Mmmmmm!

Sadly since we have been back there has been alot of fast food, soda, and little exercise. I totally brought the relaxation home with me and since we haven't gone grocery shopping yet there is not much at the house to choose from. That will be solved this weekend. Not only has Lewis finally decided to loose weight with me, but the less we spend out now the more we can save for our next cruise. HeeHee We really want to go on a western Caribbean one that sails from November 3-10. Liza's dad and partner are going and sissy and Liza may go as well. Talk about a great get away with all of us on board!

Back to the health front though. I'm so tired of starting over and making new plans, but it is what it is. I don't think i deserve my chip this month. Yeah i did ok on the cruise, but i still ate when i shouldn't have and have just been horrible since i got home. Not chip worthy. Like i said above though after the cruise Lewis finally said he was ready to really loose weight. After seeing how many clothes he can't fit into in our closet now...really shook him up. He has even decided to give up soda. Crazy! But good! We start our weigh ins again on April 1st. Whoever loses the most weight each week gets to pick a movie to either rent, watch on netflix, or go see in theaters. He liked that idea. lol Also, for every pound off $1 goes into vaca fund. Aka next cruise fund. HaHa My goal is to be at baby making weight by my birthday next year: 160. It would be amazing to be at my goal weight, 140, but i don't want to push to much. Slow and steady wins the race! Just need to keep repeating that and keep strong. The ultimate gift to myself next year on my birthday would be the Southern Caribbean cruise i found that is 11 days long. :Sigh: Sounds like heaven to me! What better way to celebrate?! :D

I was giving up making an end date, but that has just lead me to make excuses. If you have nothing to work towards why worry when you flop. Now i have a deadline and possibly an amazing get away to work towards. As you can see....the cruise life has totally pushed the baby making ideas out a little bit. I wouldn't to try in January, but i don't think me nor Lewis will be ready. My body sure wont be ready. I think i shall go back to my old plans of getting my spring baby. My pills end next March. That gives me April, May, and June for my body to regulate without the pills. June we can start really trying and if everything works otay we shall have our little spring bundle. :D

I can finally say i love myself as i am right now. This cruise really helped me. This is the biggest i have ever been and i still had a wonderful vacation. Weight does not define your life! It's not healthy, but it's not who you are or what your life has to revolve around. I'm ready to get this fat off and love the slim, healthy me even more. The next cruise...i shall be one hot Summah! ;D