1 Step, 2 Step, 3 Step, 4

Step 1: Last Saturday I took my last birth control pill. After some research and talking to people that have known me on and off it...I think it may have something to do with my crazy moods throughout the years and possibly even why my nerves and temper are always on edge. I wanted to wait till I spoke with a doctor, but I have got impatient and want to take whatever steps i can on my own to get better. Me and the hubs are not that active right now, heck zero active...sooooo, there is no fear of a maybe baby. The body wants it, but the mind is like, uck! NO! I just think God everyday for my hubba. He is being so understanding, patient, and supportive right now. I couldn't ask for a better man.

Step 2: Yesterday I finally got an appointment set up with my new Dr's office. It has been over 3 weeks and they still do not have my paper work from my last Dr's office. Thankfully I had an amazing lady answer the phone. I was like, I have been patient as long as i can, but my depression, anxiety, and swelling ain't getting any better and I'm at the end of my rope. I just want an appointment and start on the help i need and want desperately. I can tell them about my past history better then any paper can, i can tell ya that much! So yeah! Next Monday at 8:30 I head in. I have to see a male doctor which to most people doesn't sound like anything off, but i have never seen one. I don't feel comfortable with one and I don't think they will understand my problems as well as a female. I don't know?! I don't want to wait any longer for my lady doc to get back, so, I'm just going to suck it up and get this first appointment done! It's just the meet and greet with a side of blood work soooo i should be ok. Hopefully, he is a rocking doctor and proves all my fears wrong. :crossing fingers:

Step 3: Survive the weekend and starting this Monday I am getting back into the swing of healthy living. I want to make the weigh in at the Doctor's office and my weigh in at the end of the month to be as good as i can make it. I just pray i do not see 300 or above. The highest i have weighed myself this year was 297.6. 299.9 or below is what i need to see. I mean...whatever it shows on 12/30 is what it will be....I just don't want to say I weighed 300 pounds. :Sigh: I have slacked enough for the last 2 months...time to get ready for  the beast mode of 2014! ;D

*2014*

It's hard to write any more. I don't know how to get things from my head into words. Music has been my only escape. Even now I'm having trouble trying to get out what i want to say. Life just sucks! My life in general doesn't but my out look does. Since September i have been slowly falling into this dark hole and try as i might i can not get myself out of it. I hate the sun, i hate light. I just want to stay in my bed with the curtains closed tight and my fave music blasting. I want to escape from myself. I want to escape from the world. I want to throw my phone into the ocean. I want to run away. I want to feel happy again. I want this dark shadow that seems to follow me every where to go away! I hate myself some days. I hate how i look. I hate how clothes feel on me. I...I hate not loving myself anymore. I hate wasting another day. I hate food. I hate not having control. I hate the numbness. I hate the loneliness. I hate i can't fix myself. I hate mirrors. Who is that girl i see? That can't be me? How did i get this bad? Why can't i get control? Why can't i be healthy? I HATE THIS FAT! Every one tells me, oh summer, think goodness you are tall. You don't look that big at all. ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND?! Seriously?!

2013 was suppose to be the year. I was suppose to get control. I was suppose to get this weight off. But here i am...just a few weeks from 2014. Im still fat. I'm still not in control. My depression is getting worse as the days go. My anxiety has returned. I had 3 attacks in November...2 in public and 1 where i actually called the police to check my house. Who am i? December was suppose to be the month i start back. Taking each day at a time and getting back to my routine. What a joke! Every day i make an excuse to sleep in. I make an excuse to eat what i shouldn't. EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES! I'm just sick of it all! So, why can't i get myself together? Why am I constantly fighting myself on a daily basis just to live? Thank God for my stubborn personality. I don't know where i would be if i didn't have that. It's the one thing i have in myself that still gets me out of bed everyday. It's what gets me through normal day to day things that most people would find easy. Taking a shower, brushing my air, getting dressed, going to work, eating, etc. It's such a struggle right now. I'm exhausted. I ache. I want to cry over stupid things or in stupid places. I want a hug, but I don't want to be touched. I want to be around people to escape myself, but want to be left alone at the same time. 

I just hope when i call the Dr's office today they have my paperwork. It's been 14 days and i don't know how much longer i can wait. I know i need help and for once i'm so ready for it. I'm done trying to fix things on my own. I need Dr's and God more then ever! I know i have an amazing support group around me and i am so blessed! They all are the life line i need right now. Some days i feel like they would be better off without me, but i know deep down that is not true. How could i leave this earth on purpose with all these people fighting for me. I can't let them down. I trully feel like i have a purpose in this life. I know God has something exciting for me at the end of this dark tunnel. I just need to cry out for him, let him in 100%, surrender my life once and for all! I know you are there Lord! I've pushed you away just like i do people in my life. I've let the Devil and his demons control my life and make me feel things that aren't reality. You are my reality. My past, present, future, and eternity. I pray for your strength, patience, your peace, comfort, and your love. Light will always be stronger then darkness! I feel far away from that light and you Lord, but i know i will get there. I just need to keep holding on. I need to try. I need to fight! I need to trust and have faith. 

2014...i have so many plans and dreams. I want to finally get control of my life. I want to be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. I want my own little bun in the oven! Oh....i want to be a mommy so bad! I want a little LewLew running around my home. I want that little bundle of joy so bad. I know right now i'm not ready and it breaks my heart. I did this to myself. But! I will fix this. I will be the mommy my future babies will be able to look up to. A mommy to raise them up strong, kind, full of Jesus, and love for all. I've had many dreams of what i wanted to be once i grew up. The one thing that has never changed...becoming a mother. It will be the best dream come true! 

This blog post is all over the place, but i feel a little better. I want to blog everyday in 2014 even if i can only get one sentence down. I want a record of my emotions. A record of my journey crawling out of the darkness. The day i become pregnant. The day i hit ONEderland. My 5th anniversary. All the ups and downs of this beautiful, crazy life i have been blessed to live. I will make it!

September Conquered!

Month Total: -9.8 Pounds
Start: 291.2 End: 281.4
Start BMI: 44.3 End BMI: 42.8

Feeling pretty good! Wanted to loose a total of 10 pounds, but i say that is close enough! I had no free days, no soda, and stuck to my 1 gallon a day for the majority of the month. I allowed myself to eat out, but stuck with my WW points and chose the best thing i could. I'm just really proud of myself for finally sticking to it. Will power was in high gear with no room for excuses. Last month proved i can still enjoy life while getting this weight off. I don't have to hide or stick to a crazy diet plan or exercise regiment. I'm practicing every day to make this journey a life style change. I'm out to not only change my outside, but my inside as well. All the way from my brain, to my thighs, to my heart, and my soul. You can't fix one and expect everything else to fall in line. Everything has to get together and work for the main goal = a healthy lifestyle.

I'm pumped for October and the results to come. Today i plan to get my measurements and pictures taken. I want a visual record to look back on. Something to keep pushing me forward. Something to look at to see the me i never want to be again. Sticking with pretty much the same goals as September, but allowing one free day this month. Maybe! I rocked so well last month that i may try for month #2 with no free day. I don't want anything to make me slip up!

Here's to the next 10 off!

Feeling Powerful

1st week of September down and I'm feeling AWESOME! Lost 1.2 pounds with me being at an even 290 now. I'm coming 280's, I'm coming! LoL I stuck to my exercise schedule without changing it or missing a day. I said no to a dozen doughnuts that traveled with me for a whole day until i got home to give them to Lewis. I said no to Lewis' leftover pizza and no to chocolate cake at work. The smell diet sure got me through the week. Sniff Sniff! LoL I was also able to get a gallon of water in every day of the week. Talk about commitment! That gallon water jug has become my new best friend. :D

This week has been going strong. Really wanted to skip my tone day yesterday since i got home around 10pm, but i took a breath and just got it done. I had to stay up late anyway for the next day's night shift, so, there was no reason i couldn't get it done. I know what i want and skipping exercises and flipping around my workout calendar is not going to get me there. It just pushes me back! The longer i stick to this, the easier it will be.

Really proud of myself for my food choices and sticking with my WW points again. Pre-planning as  far ahead as i can really is helping and keeps me on track. Staying away from situations where i have to choose food the last minute is the best plan of attack right now. One day i will be strong enough and want to choose the right things, but for now...not so much. haha

I'm ready to rock the rest of this week and see what my next weigh in shows. :D

Tough Love

- 30 days of no cheats

- 30 days of no soda

- 1 gallon of water each day

- No frozen meals/packaged meals

- Cardio: Leslie Sansone DVD 3 mile

- Tone: Target Toning DVD 

- Track points every day

I am not where i want or should be, so, it's time to get serious and tough on myself. Allowing myself a cheat day once a week is not working. It is not allowing my body to build up good self control. I plan to do a whole 30 days without any cheats. Then 30 days with only one cheat day for the month. The next 30 days I'll allow 2 cheat days for the month. I'll do this until i reach the point where i can safely allow a cheat day once a week again. 

I want this year on weight watchers to be a success. I want to be 100 pounds down and see that wonderful ONEderland again. I want to feel confident and beautiful for our 5th anniversary photos. I want to be healthy and get my body ready to try for our first baby. Oh my gracious the baby fever is high! I want my own little bundle of joy! I refuse to start though until I'm in a healthy weight range. I want that cute baby bump, not extra fat around the middle. I CAN DO THIS!

It's time for success! No more excuses! No more letting food rule my life! I have plans and a system to help me. The only thing standing in my way...is ME! Well, ME needs to stand aside and recognize the new life style change. RECOGNIZE!!! 

Pushing On

Almost done with my 2nd month on Weight Watchers. I was hoping to be close to 20 pounds down by now, but sadly...I'm not even close. After Monday's weigh in I'm 6 pounds down. Lost over 5 last month, so, as you can see this month is progressing turtle style. I lost 3 pounds last week which felt amazing and finally showed something for all my hard work. This weekend though we threw a party for Roni and Lil Ricky's birthday. I had alot of booze, hot dogs, cake, soda, no water, and no real exercise. Blah! Gained over 2 pounds of the 3 back. Doesn't help that TOM starts this week as well. Rawr! I'm trying to stay positive and focus on the little things i need to change each week, but with TOM hormones...this week has been quite a struggle to stay up beat.

I'm committed to tracking my points and activity. I'm not skipping weigh ins. I have even stuck with only having Bojangles twice a month! Come on! But...if I'm honest with myself i think my free day a week is bringing me down. I let myself have soda that day and treats I'm not allowed on a regular day. The extra problem is I'm not focusing on getting my water in or exercising on that day. I'm putting all this extra points and junk in my body and not working for it. Just because it's a free day, doesn't mean i have to go buck wild and sit on my butt!!!

Positive moment of this hormonal week: i won over cravings last night while working at R1. It was a constant night with little sleep and i wanted Sheetz soooooo bad! I had a couple chances to go by there, but i pushed through and just kept saying no. I feel like the more i stay in control the more the cravings will learn their place! ;D Another good moment is from today. The AC unit froze up and the house is quite toasty! Not a very fun place right now to get up and get a sweat on. I may pass out or melt away...neither sound very fun to me! BUT! Due to the warmth i got my bathing suit on and went outside to enjoy our pool. I floated around and just relaxed for 30 minutes and the last 30 minutes i made my own little pool workout. Swam some, floated some while crunching abs/moving arms, walked around pool with knees bent, and did a side crab walk. Felt amazing! Probably the most relaxing workout i have done!

So, even though my mind is going crazy over thinking about the numbers on the scale, I'm still pretty positive. The numbers may not be where i want them to be, but my body is feeling much better. My back doesn't hurt as bad when I'm doing things, my ankles haven't swelled in quite a while, and my workouts are getting easier to stick with. Regardless of the numbers...I'm doing amazing things for my body and i just need to keep focusing ahead. Every day brings something to accomplish and learn from...good or bad.

Weight Watchers

It's been quite a month since i last posted on here. The last 6 months have been quite a struggle and near the end of June i knew something had to change. I was not making any progress on my own and my weight was slowly getting higher and higher. I had to suck it up and realize i could not do this on my own anymore. Even with the support group on FaceBook, i needed something more. I needed something like BuddySlim to give me a push and make me more accountable. I have always tried to find free sites, like BuddySlim, but they always come with problems. The site going now for hours, things on the site not working, and threats the site will go down. There are some that are ok, but also make you pay for the extra stuff. I'm just done with that. I have always been curious about Weight Watchers, but have never taken the plunge due to the money. Well, after some research I decided to join. The best part...my momma said if i stick with it, commit, and make it a month she will pay for my start up fee. Amazing! With the great help and tracking from W.W. and the money push from momma i almost have my first month now. This will me my first month the whole year i have made it through without screwing up. The month has not been perfect I'll be honest, but it could have been alot worse. Keeping track of my food points is soooo much easier then calories and it really keeps me self conscious of what food i should and should not eat. Just...amazing! :D

So far this month i am down 5.8 pounds. The major goal is to lose 10 pounds a month, but anything is better then nothing or a gain. I'm excited for ever ounce and pound that comes off. This last weigh in i only lost 0.2 pounds, but this girl was thrilled! Only exercised like 3 days and had 3 days of not so good food choices and soda. Not seeing a gain and showing some kind of loss....works for me!!! I just want to keep going down no matter how little or much it wants to go. I have to keep pushing on and work on not setting myself back with gains. Gains may seem small at first, but they cause emotions that lead to not caring, bad choices, and more pounds. I'm looking forward, not back!

Next month has already been planned for exercise and goals. I'm moving from the 1 mile on my walking DVD to the 2 mile. Woot Woot! I'm trading the Wedding toning DVD to the 10 minute Solution Target Toning DVD. I alternate those and have a rest day before weigh in. This month ahead i want to continue focusing on my food choices and fighting the lazy bone. This month i did amazing at the beginning with getting my exercise in and then near the middle i started slacking. I don't need to be perfect every day, but no matter what, i want to get in some kind of movement. Even if that movement is just cleaning the house or taking a small ride on the bikey. It all adds up and gives me activity points. ;D

I know I'm sticking with W.W. for a year. Next July i hope to be way under 200 and start trying for baby #1. It would be even better if i can hit my normal high weight range, 164.4. That would have me at a comfortable and safe weight to start trying. Either way I'm still gonna be focused on my weight and working towards that goal weight of 145. :D Once we know we are having a baby I'll be more concerned of maintaining, losing what i can, and major focus on not gaining anymore then is necessary for the baby. From my research you shouldn't gain more then 20 pounds. I need to speak with my doctor and confirm all this, but right now that's my aim.

Oh goodness i can not wait to get this extra chunk off! I want my hubs to be able to just engulf me again in his hugs and pick me up. I want to be able to lay on my back again without my neck and boobs trying to strangle me. I want to be able to go outside in the heat without feeling like every piece of me is sweating and swelling up. I want to be able to spend a whole day out shopping or having fun without my ankles swelling and hurting. I want to see my wrist bone and collar bone again. I want that little flap of skin/fat on my back leg to go away. Talk about something rubbing together and hurting! I want to be able to wear cute jeans again without the muffin top. I want to be able to fit into all my old shirts. I want to be able to have an adorable baby bump! :D