The Cycle

Week 1-2: Beast mode. I'm strong, motivated, and focused. You can put anything in front of me and i can say no. It's not worth it. Weight is just falling off.

Week 3: Excuses. There usually is some event or my mind gets into this mode that I have been so good the last couple weeks that i should relax some. Instead of an extra day the excuses usually lead to a week of bad food choices, but i usually stick with my exercise. I can usually maintain, but most times i get a gain for this week.

Week 4: Guilt and depression sit in. I focus on all the weigh i lost the first couple weeks and how i let excuses bring me down and my weight right back up. I think of all the months gone by with nothing to show. I think of the years i have been fighting and losing. Why can't i control it? Why can't i enjoy myself for one day and not let that lead to a bad week? Why does food have such a hold on me? WHY?! I'm very withdrawn this week and would live in my bed eating ice cream and cookies if i could. Exercise is the last thing on my mind. Weigh in is usually a gain. It's a very dark time for me.

Week 5: DETERMINATION! I'm all about brushing it off, picking myself up, and setting new goals/plans. It's recharging time and getting myself refocused on what is important. It's about faking it till i can make it again. Exercise is up front and center again. The darkness is still there, but I'm dragging and clawing towards the light. Usually have a loss this week which fuels me into the next month.

*Repeat cycle*

It's exhausting! Some friends on FB who have been with me the last couple years with my weight loss suggested to talk with  my doctor again. The cycle could have something to do with TOM or my medicine or a combination of the two. It makes since, but i HATE going to the doctor. I feel weak and whiny. It's so frustrating that i can't get some kind of control on my own. I hate being dependent on a pill, especially when it doesn't seem to be helping anymore. Thinking about going up to the next dose, 40mg. If that doesn't work...i guess ill suck it up and speak with my doctor again. She is the best one i have had in a while, so, that does help. We shall see...i just need to do what Lewis says. JUST DO IT! I know it's not good for me, i know it makes me feel bad, i know what's coming...why do i do it then?!The million dollar question. If i could answer that...id be a weight loss machine. I use to be, but trying to find that balance is alot harder then i thought. I don't want to trade a food addiction to exercise/weight loss addiction like i did a few years back. I never left the house and anything i did allow myself to go to had to be planned around my crazy workout schedule. It was just insane! I want that happy balance of healthy food, junk food, rest, and good exercise. I have the tools, the support, the money, and the drive...i just need to keep looking at the light. Even if i have to crawl, scrap, and dig...i need to stay focused on the light. So done with the darkness and being this girl i know I'm not. I'm tired of living in this body that makes me uncomfortable and so unhappy.

Weigh In: 285.8 Gain: 4.7 Pounds BMI: 43.5
Lewis' Weigh In: 295.0 Loss: 3.6 Pounds BMI: 37.9

4th Week Winner: Lewis

I hate you week #3!

April 1st me and the LewLew started our new healthy life style. Our goal is to get as much weight off as we can and reach a normal weight range by April 1st next year. Lewis has said he would do it with me mnay times, but never really gave it a try. This time around...he's doing amazing! I am so proud of him and he's really keeping me in check. He has lost 6.4 pounds so far this month and has totally fixed his addiction with soda. SO PROUD! :D

The first 2 weeks i was on the ball! I lost 10.2 pounds. Talk about amazing! Then week 3 hit. The cursed week 3. This time around i had my birthday, birthday party, co-worker's birthday, and dispatch appreciation week. Let's just say there was alot of sweet left overs and free food laying around. I totally enjoyed it all...way to much! I am proud to say i exercised every day and tried to make up with that for all the bad food i was eating. Sadly...it didn't help at all. 3rd week weigh in came and i am up 2.7 pounds. I just want to go one round and not have a freakin' gain...especially during week 3. What is it about week 3...it's like my body fought hard for 2 weeks and is done. I don't mind maintains, but gaining is such a set back. I would love to say i took that weigh in and let it fire me up, but sadly week 4 has not started out that wonderful. Water sucking, soda, and bad food choices. I am getting my exercise in and plan to tip this food thing in the bud NOW! Uhhhhhhh! I have such a bitter sweet love with food. I love it, but yet...i hate it. It's holding me back so much! I have got to get a hold of this addiction! I am proud to say though i have not had one binge this month or allowed myself to eat out of any of the emotions i have been having. I plan to keep this up and get my first chip. :D

I'm getting my act together and plan to have a wonderful weigh in this week. I would love to take down this gain and have a little loss added to it. If i stick to my guns and focus i should still be able to keep with my 10 pound loss for the month. I can do this! I can't let Lewis win another weigh in! His movie choices suck! ;D