The Cycle

Week 1-2: Beast mode. I'm strong, motivated, and focused. You can put anything in front of me and i can say no. It's not worth it. Weight is just falling off.

Week 3: Excuses. There usually is some event or my mind gets into this mode that I have been so good the last couple weeks that i should relax some. Instead of an extra day the excuses usually lead to a week of bad food choices, but i usually stick with my exercise. I can usually maintain, but most times i get a gain for this week.

Week 4: Guilt and depression sit in. I focus on all the weigh i lost the first couple weeks and how i let excuses bring me down and my weight right back up. I think of all the months gone by with nothing to show. I think of the years i have been fighting and losing. Why can't i control it? Why can't i enjoy myself for one day and not let that lead to a bad week? Why does food have such a hold on me? WHY?! I'm very withdrawn this week and would live in my bed eating ice cream and cookies if i could. Exercise is the last thing on my mind. Weigh in is usually a gain. It's a very dark time for me.

Week 5: DETERMINATION! I'm all about brushing it off, picking myself up, and setting new goals/plans. It's recharging time and getting myself refocused on what is important. It's about faking it till i can make it again. Exercise is up front and center again. The darkness is still there, but I'm dragging and clawing towards the light. Usually have a loss this week which fuels me into the next month.

*Repeat cycle*

It's exhausting! Some friends on FB who have been with me the last couple years with my weight loss suggested to talk with  my doctor again. The cycle could have something to do with TOM or my medicine or a combination of the two. It makes since, but i HATE going to the doctor. I feel weak and whiny. It's so frustrating that i can't get some kind of control on my own. I hate being dependent on a pill, especially when it doesn't seem to be helping anymore. Thinking about going up to the next dose, 40mg. If that doesn't work...i guess ill suck it up and speak with my doctor again. She is the best one i have had in a while, so, that does help. We shall see...i just need to do what Lewis says. JUST DO IT! I know it's not good for me, i know it makes me feel bad, i know what's coming...why do i do it then?!The million dollar question. If i could answer that...id be a weight loss machine. I use to be, but trying to find that balance is alot harder then i thought. I don't want to trade a food addiction to exercise/weight loss addiction like i did a few years back. I never left the house and anything i did allow myself to go to had to be planned around my crazy workout schedule. It was just insane! I want that happy balance of healthy food, junk food, rest, and good exercise. I have the tools, the support, the money, and the drive...i just need to keep looking at the light. Even if i have to crawl, scrap, and dig...i need to stay focused on the light. So done with the darkness and being this girl i know I'm not. I'm tired of living in this body that makes me uncomfortable and so unhappy.

Weigh In: 285.8 Gain: 4.7 Pounds BMI: 43.5
Lewis' Weigh In: 295.0 Loss: 3.6 Pounds BMI: 37.9

4th Week Winner: Lewis