Weigh In: 282.4 Loss: 3.6 Pounds BMI: 42.9
Hubs Weigh In: 2.2 Pound Loss
Winner: Moi!
Finally! Last weigh in i was up to 286.0. A little 0.2 gain, but still a gain non the less. I thought being sick and hardly eating would help shed some pounds, but I'm thinking it had the reverse effect on me. Lack of food and water..i think my poor body was holding onto whatever it could.
Had a mental break down the other day. I think it was a combination of being sick for the last week and a half, lack of sleep, weight issues, and it being that TOM that made everything just come to the surface. I was on the phone with my momma when it happened. All she asked was how i was doing with my weight and i just started balling. I mean tears spilling non stop, choked up, snot running everywhere. It was embarrassing, but i think something i really needed. Mom was so comforting, but also tough. She understood where i was coming from, but reminded me of all the other times i had defeated this weight problem, that i could do it again, that i needed to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move forward. I was the only thing holding me back, destroying potential success. At the time i didn't want to hear any of it. Yeah i have done this before, but look where it has gotten me. The heaviest weight i have ever been. If I'm so good why can't i continue on and keep it off? How can i be such an inspiration and supported to her and others when i can't even help myself? I was really self hating and just hopeless. I'm happy to say though when i woke up the next morning, it felt like the sun had finally come back out. You know those commercials where the people with depression are in this dark hole...that's how i had been feeling for weeks. On this morning though i felt like i had finally pulled myself out. I can only think my momma for this. I didn't know how powerful her words and kindness were until now. My respiratory virus was pretty much on the down hill as well which helped a ton! I could feel my energy coming back and i felt like i could do anything!
What i really took away from the talk with my momma is i need to stop trying to do this weight loss journey and life in general in beast mode. I feel like if i don't stick to a certain plan 100% everyday that I'm a failure. If i mess up one day it leads to such negative thoughts. I have to learn that life is not perfect. That some things will come up that will have me to change my plans up a bit. And...that's ok! It's life. I have to learn to roll with the punches, stay positive, and keep moving forward. Just because one day goes bad does not mean more days, weeks, or months have to be just as bad. I don't have to wait till next week or next month to restart a plan or new one. I can start right now, right this second! Lewis is also teaching me that. He has been doing sooo amazing. He has been losing every week and is just taking each day at a time. Slow and steady can seem like it will take forever, but for my mental state...i know it will be better in the long run. It all adds up and i need to also remember that i have my whole life ahead to focus and be healthy. Trying to chop this all off as fast as i can is only going to lead to more negative thoughts, frustrations, and keeping me right on this evil cycle. I'm done with the cycle!
I am proud to admit that through all the struggles i have had the past few months...i have been binge free. I have ate bigger portions then i should and maybe a snack here and there i shouldn't, but i have not had a true binge since before our cruise i do believe. That was a big issue i had and it has taken me just this week to realize i have been fighting and can honestly say that part is gone. I have a desire to eat, but i always stop at one snack now. If it's not what my body wanted...oh well. Soooo yay! Through the darkness i have finally make one star appear. ;D
Beast mode is over. I'm who i am and i will do me. There is no one i need to prove anything to, but myself. I love myself and will from this day forward praise even the smallest success towards a healthy, smaller me. There will be bad days, but i will get through them and become stronger. There can not be anymore excuses or letting the darkness consume me. I have to keep fighting for the light. And the days i feel i can't....i will reach out to my momma or hubba...the 2 people in my life that are always my Sunshine no matter how gray my skies are. :D
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