Winner

Last weigh in: 284.2 Loss: 3.8 Pounds
Lewis lost 2.6 Pounds

I picked The Lucky One to watch about the soldier who found a woman's picture over in war, came back to the states, found her, and fell in love. It was such a good movie, even with Lewis' man comments throughout it. LoL

Our free day this week we had lunch/dinner at Golden Corral and tried 3 different Chex Mix bags that were flavored with sweet goodies that night as our movie munchy. Had 2 plates of regular food at Golden Corral and one plate of deserts that me and Lewis split. Mmmmmm sugar! LoL Another one down, no regrets, and nothing crazy. Flower Power! Oh! I also had a little cup cake at work that afternoon. Thank goodness they brought them on my free day. LoL

Today i said no to a cup cake and a free sugar item. Work has been insane! CAD went down for hours and everything had to be done on paper. It was my first experience with that and it was very stressful. Everything had to be logged and looked up. Just crazy! How they did it back in the day...i do not know! LoL Anyway, Holly said since it was such a hectic day she would buy us all something sweet from McDonald's. Oh my, a milkshake or cookie break today would have been heaven, BUT i didn't need it. I just really, really wanted it. I was tough and said my magic word no. I even said no to the last cup cake. Holla! NO NO NO NO NO! LOL Right now i can't afford to slip up and make excuses to enjoy things i really shouldn't. I know where it will lead. One excuse here, one bad thing there, and before i know it all my hard work gets flushed down the drain and I'm back to where i started. Eating anything and everything. Not exercising. Gaining. I defiantly do not want to continue this up and down weight thing. I know it's not good for my body or my mind set. The more no's i throw the closer i get to my first chip!

Next weigh in for us is Saturday and I'm feeling good about it. I just want to see numbers slip on off for us and get those cruise bodies! heehee

Mind Over Food

Yesterday was our free day and i have to say i did pretty well. I was late for work and didn't have breakfast which was not so good, but the belly survived. Lunch was at my oh so fave place, O'Kellys. I had a chicken salad sandwich, Doritos, Cinnamon danish, and a Mr.Pibb. Dinner was at Western Sizzling where i only had 2 plates of food, only one roll, and i didn't dip my regular food in ranch. Success right there! I love my bread and ranch! LoL We decided to skip desert there and instead had it at Sweet Frog. It was defiantly what the sweet tooth needed. At home though Lewis asked where the left over pizza was from the other night and my craving meter went off the chart. I had forgot that was in the fridge and when he mentioned it i just had to have some! He said we could split it, but i said no. I had already had my meals for the day and didn't need to eat something just to eat it. I almost changed my mind at one point though. I walked to the fridge. opened the door, touched the contained, then set it back down. There was no since in eating it! I had just finished my bikey ride and didn't need extra, empty calories in me. I'm proud to say i walked away and didn't have any of it. The body was not happy, but once i got to bed, played with my IPOD, and watched a movie with Lewis it had pretty much forgotten it. That's the hardest part knowing the craving will pass. It's just a matter of sticking to your guns and finding something to do until the demon passes. I'm not saying i will pass every time, but winning last night's pizza trial really makes me feel good. I feel like i can get control again. I have to! I have those adorable poker chips to achieve. :D

Before Picture

So, here is the beautiful before picture. Did not realize how round the middle had become...have mercy. It's really weird how the brain sees things in mirrors then what it sees in pictures. Crazy little creature it is! Anyway, here i am at a whopping 288.0 pounds. I NEVER thought i would reach a number like this or look that above. Sigh! It is what it is and i am ready to commit and get this weight off for good. Even if that means slow and steady. I can't rush this. This weight did not come on over night and sure as heck ain't going away over night. My ultimate goal is to be at goal weight, 145, before my high school reunion which will be some time in 2016. That gives me 2 1/2 years to slim down, have a baby, and finish the rest of the weight.

I CAN DO IT!

For the rest of May I'm just going to focus on cardio- riding my bikey and walking when the weather/time allows me. Starting in June i will get back to my toning 3x a week. I'll start with 10 minutes 3x a week and slowly build myself back up to 30-60 minutes 3x a week. Right now my body just ain't got what it use to, to bust out a hard core weight workout. Heck...it can't even bust out a hard core cardio workout. The last time i tried...i really thought my heart was going to jump ship! I am not where i was a year ago and i have to remember my body has to build back up to that. It's been hard facing how out of shape i have become, but the good thing is i will get back to a mean, fighting, workout machine in no time. Woot! 

Get ready, cause here i come! Bump bump! Get ready, cause here i come! 

100 Pounds

Last weigh in I was 287.0 pounds. The evil cycle is still continuing to circle. I feel like i just don't know what to do anymore. Plan, not plan, go easy, go hard, eat this, don't eat that, exercise more, exercise less, try this pill, try that vitamin, drink this amount of water, but not this amount. I really feel that this journey has turned me into a crazy person inside. My depression or whatever you want to call it has it's good days, but i still am not feeling like myself. I hate my image in the mirror, I don't recognize myself sometimes. I'm embarrassed to go out and see certain people because i fear what they are thinking about me. "Oh goodness she has gained weight." Is that Summer, she's gotten big." And to the ones that i have encouraged to lose weight i feel like a complete failure. This was really bad last year and if i had it my way i would have never left the house. I have had moments like that this year, but thankfully this new medicine has really helped keep me moving forward. It seems really dark at the moment, but i know i will dig myself out of this for good one day. I have to many people in my life to support me that i know i will never truly fall into that darkness. I long for the sunshine above to touch my face and fill me with it's light. It's going to be a hard climb but with my stubbornness and pride and God's willing help...I'll reach it.

Our 4th anniversary is coming up and it hit me the other day looking back at some pictures that i am 100 pounds heavier then i was on our wedding day. 100 pounds! I know i have gained weight, but it never really hit me until then how much i had really packed on. Comparing pictures from then and now it's just mind blowing. I know it's me, but it looks like 2 totally different people. Every little feature about me has changed. My face, boobs, abs, back, arms, and my knees. I thank God for my height every day with all these extra pounds. I could not imagine what i would look if i was shorter. I see a little white ball of dough just rolling to and fro. Uck! I do not want to go another birthday or anniversary being this big. It's not 100% about my looks, but about finding myself again and getting healthy. The body changes and better image of myself will just be the bonus. We will take pics this year as always and i hope by our 5th anniversary we will have some amazing after pics to put beside these. :D

Speaking of before and after pics. I made a collage of 4 pics from our cruise in March and am making it our before pic collage. We are hoping to go on a cruise next April and i hope to have amazing pics to make another collage of our after pics and compare the two. I also made a collage with the picture from our honeymoon sitting on the rocking chairs and under it a pic of us sitting on these beach chairs from the cruise. It is a great visual of the changes in our body and what i want to get back to. It's hard to look at sometimes, but it's going to help keep me from going into denial and facing what i need to change.

Tomorrow starts the BoTime Challenge. No Bojangles for me until 10% of my body weight is gone- 28.9 pounds. I need a little tough love with myself and i thought this would be the toughest thing for me right now. Oh the yummy goodness...it shall be missed. LoL

I'm also thinking about starting me a weight loss charm bracelet. Every time i achieve a certain amount of weight loss or goal i will buy myself a charm. I want the charms to relate to my weight loss journey and things that will encourage me to keep on. Having something to wear will be another great visual guide to remind me of why I'm doing this. I think it will also be a great aid in helping me say no to things. I need things in my life right now to keep me focused, no matter how small it may be.

I know from the past couple months i will have good and bad days, but i want to fight on to when the good days start out numbering the bad. The time when the weight loss is adding up and not bouncing around. My brain and body is about had it with this yo-yo....it just can't continue. I fear for my future if i don't get a control of this. I fear what the scale may read, where my health may go, and if i will ever be able to have a child. I don't want that fear! Fear and worry have controlled my life along with food for to long! It's time to get into Wonder Woman mode and get it together.

You Are My SunShine

Weigh In: 282.4 Loss: 3.6 Pounds BMI: 42.9
Hubs Weigh In: 2.2 Pound Loss
Winner: Moi!

Finally! Last weigh in i was up to 286.0. A little 0.2 gain, but still a gain non the less. I thought being sick and hardly eating would help shed some pounds, but I'm thinking it had the reverse effect on me. Lack of food and water..i think my poor body was holding onto whatever it could.

Had a mental break down the other day. I think it was a combination of being sick for the last week and a half, lack of sleep, weight issues, and it being that TOM that made everything just come to the surface. I was on the phone with my momma when it happened. All she asked was how i was doing with my weight and i just started balling. I mean tears spilling non stop, choked up, snot running everywhere. It was embarrassing, but i think something i really needed. Mom was so comforting, but also tough. She understood where i was coming from, but reminded me of all the other times i had defeated this weight problem, that i could do it again, that i needed to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move forward. I was the only thing holding me back, destroying potential success. At the time i didn't want to hear any of it. Yeah i have done this before, but look where it has gotten me. The heaviest weight i have ever been. If I'm so good why can't i continue on and keep it off? How can i be such an inspiration and supported to her and others when i can't even help myself? I was really self hating and just hopeless. I'm happy to say though when i woke up the next morning, it felt like the sun had finally come back out. You know those commercials where the people with depression are in this dark hole...that's how i had been feeling for weeks. On this morning though i felt like i had finally pulled myself out. I can only think my momma for this. I didn't know how powerful her words and kindness were until now. My respiratory virus was pretty much on the down hill as well which helped a ton! I could feel my energy coming back and i felt like i could do anything!

What i really took away from the talk with my momma is i need to stop trying to do this weight loss journey and life in general in beast mode. I feel like if i don't stick to a certain plan 100% everyday that I'm a failure. If i mess up one day it leads to such negative thoughts. I have to learn that life is not perfect. That some things will come up that will have me to change my plans up a bit. And...that's ok! It's life. I have to learn to roll with the punches, stay positive, and keep moving forward. Just because one day goes bad does not mean more days, weeks, or months have to be just as bad. I don't have to wait till next week or next month to restart a plan or new one. I can start right now, right this second! Lewis is also teaching me that. He has been doing sooo amazing. He has been losing every week and is just taking each day at a time. Slow and steady can seem like it will take forever, but for my mental state...i know it will be better in the long run. It all adds up and i need to also remember that i have my whole life ahead to focus and be healthy. Trying to chop this all off as fast as i can is only going to lead to more negative thoughts, frustrations, and keeping me right on this evil cycle. I'm done with the cycle!

I am proud to admit that through all the struggles i have had the past few months...i have been binge free. I have ate bigger portions then i should and maybe a snack here and there i shouldn't, but i have not had a true binge since before our cruise i do believe. That was a big issue i had and it has taken me just this week to realize i have been fighting and can honestly say that part is gone. I have a desire to eat, but i always stop at one snack now. If it's not what my body wanted...oh well. Soooo yay! Through the darkness i have finally make one star appear. ;D

Beast mode is over. I'm who i am and i will do me. There is no one i need to prove anything to, but myself. I love myself and will from this day forward praise even the smallest success towards a healthy, smaller me. There will be bad days, but i will get through them and become stronger. There can not be anymore excuses or letting the darkness consume me. I have to keep fighting for the light. And the days i feel i can't....i will reach out to my momma or hubba...the 2 people in my life that are always my Sunshine no matter how gray my skies are. :D