100 Pounds

Last weigh in I was 287.0 pounds. The evil cycle is still continuing to circle. I feel like i just don't know what to do anymore. Plan, not plan, go easy, go hard, eat this, don't eat that, exercise more, exercise less, try this pill, try that vitamin, drink this amount of water, but not this amount. I really feel that this journey has turned me into a crazy person inside. My depression or whatever you want to call it has it's good days, but i still am not feeling like myself. I hate my image in the mirror, I don't recognize myself sometimes. I'm embarrassed to go out and see certain people because i fear what they are thinking about me. "Oh goodness she has gained weight." Is that Summer, she's gotten big." And to the ones that i have encouraged to lose weight i feel like a complete failure. This was really bad last year and if i had it my way i would have never left the house. I have had moments like that this year, but thankfully this new medicine has really helped keep me moving forward. It seems really dark at the moment, but i know i will dig myself out of this for good one day. I have to many people in my life to support me that i know i will never truly fall into that darkness. I long for the sunshine above to touch my face and fill me with it's light. It's going to be a hard climb but with my stubbornness and pride and God's willing help...I'll reach it.

Our 4th anniversary is coming up and it hit me the other day looking back at some pictures that i am 100 pounds heavier then i was on our wedding day. 100 pounds! I know i have gained weight, but it never really hit me until then how much i had really packed on. Comparing pictures from then and now it's just mind blowing. I know it's me, but it looks like 2 totally different people. Every little feature about me has changed. My face, boobs, abs, back, arms, and my knees. I thank God for my height every day with all these extra pounds. I could not imagine what i would look if i was shorter. I see a little white ball of dough just rolling to and fro. Uck! I do not want to go another birthday or anniversary being this big. It's not 100% about my looks, but about finding myself again and getting healthy. The body changes and better image of myself will just be the bonus. We will take pics this year as always and i hope by our 5th anniversary we will have some amazing after pics to put beside these. :D

Speaking of before and after pics. I made a collage of 4 pics from our cruise in March and am making it our before pic collage. We are hoping to go on a cruise next April and i hope to have amazing pics to make another collage of our after pics and compare the two. I also made a collage with the picture from our honeymoon sitting on the rocking chairs and under it a pic of us sitting on these beach chairs from the cruise. It is a great visual of the changes in our body and what i want to get back to. It's hard to look at sometimes, but it's going to help keep me from going into denial and facing what i need to change.

Tomorrow starts the BoTime Challenge. No Bojangles for me until 10% of my body weight is gone- 28.9 pounds. I need a little tough love with myself and i thought this would be the toughest thing for me right now. Oh the yummy goodness...it shall be missed. LoL

I'm also thinking about starting me a weight loss charm bracelet. Every time i achieve a certain amount of weight loss or goal i will buy myself a charm. I want the charms to relate to my weight loss journey and things that will encourage me to keep on. Having something to wear will be another great visual guide to remind me of why I'm doing this. I think it will also be a great aid in helping me say no to things. I need things in my life right now to keep me focused, no matter how small it may be.

I know from the past couple months i will have good and bad days, but i want to fight on to when the good days start out numbering the bad. The time when the weight loss is adding up and not bouncing around. My brain and body is about had it with this yo-yo....it just can't continue. I fear for my future if i don't get a control of this. I fear what the scale may read, where my health may go, and if i will ever be able to have a child. I don't want that fear! Fear and worry have controlled my life along with food for to long! It's time to get into Wonder Woman mode and get it together.