Rehab Chip

This is my my rehab chip. Every month i go with no binge or emotional eating i will get one of these chips with the amount of days i survived on the back. And as a side note...this is one of the heaviest chips in the market. It fits quite well with me, don't it? HaHaHa I'm loving i could find a pink one and i love the design!

Tomorrow is day #1. I wish i had started this earlier, but any time is better then never.The main goal is to refocus the brain on positive things when an emotion hits. I really want to focus on my journaling, devotion, and exercise. I don't want food to be accociated at all with positive reinforcement. I have been that route before and it still allows food to have control. No more! Food is there to nourish the body for survival, not praise, celebration, or comfort. Hiking has really been on my mind and something i have been wanting to get into for years. Once i get back from the cruise Spring will official be here and i want to do a hike a month. I'm really hoping Lewis will join me and the days he can't i'm hoping Roni or someone else can tag along with me and my pups. What a great way to exercise, clear the mind, and enjoy the beautiful things God has made for us. I have already been looking up places near by and making my check off list. :D

I have the next 3 days off and one of them momma will be coming down. I defiantly need some human connection and some away time from me, myself, and I. I also plan to exercise, grocery shop, and get my house CLEAN! I do not want to leave for the cruise and come back to a messy house. Uck! Just ready for a 360 clean up and getting this body ready for baby making time! Oh, how i want my first baby! LOL I can not wait to have my own little bundle of joy to cuddle, love, and be messed on. HeeHee

Example A

Last night i just let myself go. I have been hurt by someone i thought was a friend, yet again, and i let food comfort me. That's all i really had. The last week i have seen Lewis possibly a total of 30 minutes. Last night he had to get to bed pretty much after he got home and ate with me due to a early shift the next day. And the little time i had with him...he really wasn't listening to much i was saying. I talked to mom about the issue as well earlier, but she again just wanted to lecture me. I sometimes do need that from her, but right after something happens, i just wanted someone to listen to me and let me rant, cry, or whine. I know I'm not perfect. I know in the past i have caused alot of the issues that have come my way in relationships. I know my mouth gets me into alot of trouble, trouble i probably would have avoided if i had just kept quiet. I'm human though and I'm still trying to fix things one day at a time. I'm not perfect and again, I'm human, i slip, i don't need to be lectured about that every time something goes wrong. :Sigh:

Back to last night. I had emotions of hurt, being alone, anger, confusion, and just plain out sad. I went to Food Lion after work and got me a pack of cookies. I went home, poured me a glass of milk, sank into the couch, and enjoyed my cookies and milk. Lewis may have sucked in the listening and comforting department, but least he agreed to bring me what i knew would help...Little Cesars. I know i should not have ran to food, but March 1st is right around the corner and i just wanted one last day to just allow food to be my comfort. I did feel a little better and actually had no guilt of the food i ate. It was all i had.

Another one bites the dust and another brick is placed on my heart wall. I know better then to allow people in, but he seemed different then the others i worked with and he was my partner, so, i let the guard down. Sadly, he got sucked into the Regional One ass hole group and has changed into this person that i don't recognize. Defiantly not the person that was my partner and the person that went through the crap we had to go through together. I've been through this before, but i was really fooled this time and did not see it coming. It is what it is though and in the next few days i need to figure out what i want to do. Him and his whole family run at our volunteer squad in Blairs and i don't know if i can handle all that. I have a temper and a mouth and even though I'm working on both...i can't promise myself one of them or both will go off there. The whole family has a power issue and if they don't get their way they act like children and throw a fit until they either get their way or they realize that even their last name wont get them what they want. Just ridiculous! I'm just tired of drama and stupid people! Even if i could control my mouth there...i just don't want to be around that environment. I miss my home area...i don't know exactly where i want to live in the area or what job i would like to transfer to even if we decided to move, but i do know I'm just sick and tired of having no support system near me.

I let it ruin my day and today...couldn't even get out of bed. Food has sucked and there has been no exercise. No control what so ever. I'm not letting guilt build and I'm just going to let me pity myself through night shift. Tomorrow it's over. Yeah i lost someone i thought was close, i have issues, i have alot to work on myself, but laying around and letting it eat me up is not going to help at all. Tomorrow will be a new, brighter day. I'll love myself!

Brain Rehab

02-12-13: 269.2 Lost: 4.2 Pounds BMI: 40.9

Talked about one excited girl when I stepped on the scale that morning and saw those numbers. There was defiantly some happy dance moves. HA I only had 5 days between weigh ins that week and to have over 4 pounds gone in that short period of time...amazing!

02-18-13: 276.0 Gain: 6.8 Pounds BMI: 42.0

Well, i took last weeks amazing loss and just spit in its' face. :Sigh: There was no happy dance, but proudly no hatred for myself or cuss words for the scale. I had 6 days between weigh ins and week of not caring or watching what i ate or exercising. Me and Lewis went out for Vday and ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner out. Then that Saturday my sis, mom, and auntie came down and we ate out. I didn't eat so bad then, but didn't get in any exercise. Big key to keeping the weight off exercise is and i totally could care less during this week...as you can see with my weigh in. I also had to weigh in mid day since i was back on night shifts and i was totally bloated and swollen from bad food choices and not moving. All of it put together...blah numbers on the scale.

02-23-13: 274.4 Lost: 1.6 Pounds BMI: 41.7

Food this week was a little better, but still not what i would like. I did get back to exercising and the bloat of the week before was pretty much gone. I miss seeing that number 6 on the scale, but I'm proud to taking charge and not letting that horrible gain from the week before hold me back or lead to more gains. The year has already been a struggle with the scale going down, down, up, down, maintain, but it is what is is and i am proud to say i have not skipped one weigh in, no matter how bad my week was for myself. Skipping just leads to denial and more skipped and that eventually leads to pounds creeping up and i don't have time for that! I'm taking this positive weigh in this week and using it to push me on forward. Slow and steady!

Emotions have been a little crazy the last few weeks and i have not let myself come here and write it out. Sometimes i let them build so much...i just don't know how to get it out in words. I need to figure out something though. I can't keep letting food be my release. I realized today that i have been on this battle for 11 years. The Summer before 9th grade is when i first realized i had a weight problem and began the long, emotion filled 11 year battle. What do i have to show for it? Nothing! Just 11 years gone and being at the heaviest weight i have ever been at. Some days it's just sickening! Some days i don't think i will ever win over the fat and food cravings. Some days i love what i see in the mirror and other days i hate it. Some days i feel like i can do anything and it will be a walk in the park. Other days i feel exhausted and just trained from all the effort and failures. Yes it has been 11 years and my weight is bouncing off the charts, but i have learned what works for me, what portions look like without having to measure, how many calories are in certain portions and food items without having to look them up or adding them, i know all the steps to get me to my goal weight. The real issue that took me 11 years to 100% face head on...my addiction to food and my emotional eating. I can do every diet out there, do all the crazy exercise plans, but until i get a hold on this food problem i will never see that beautiful healthy number on the scale. I will never have a healthy body to bring a child into this world. I will continue to push my body beyond what i should and possibly cause health issues that i would never have gotten if i wasn't over weight.

I do not want that! I want to start my little family soooo bad! We actually decided to start in January 2014 and i have the rest of this year to make new habits and get my body and brain on the same page. I want a healthy 9 month pregnancy with no health issues for me or my little one. I want to be a healthy role model for my future little ones, not this struggling food addict that has no control of her life. I defiantly do NOT want them to pick up these bad habits and have to live their life like i have. It has finally hit home the last week that i have an issue. I kinda always knew that, but i would always push it back and thought it would just fix itself as the weight dropped. Sadly, it does not work that way. I spent all Friday night at work researching and found some very great articles. The verdict: Diet Rehab or Brain Rehab.

Steps:

1: Find a counselor or therapist.

Sadly i can not afford that nor will my insurance pay for it. Thankfully i have a wonderful mother i can go to at any time and talk out my issues and she gives me what i need at the time. A listening ear or some hard core advice that i need, but some times don't want to hear. I also have my amazing BuddySlim group in FB that i can spill my guts out to. They are a group of women that understand 100% what i am going through. I know they are there for me through the ups, downs, and all around. I know they will be honest with me and always be there to push me when i need it. Done of the above are professionals, but they know me, they understand me, and in my opinion that's the best therapy you can have. And...they are free!

2: Identify Trigger Foods and What Situations Trigger Cravings

Sugar and Carbs! I love chocolate, peanut butter, caramel in any kind of form. Cookies, ice cream, candy, or cereal. I LOVE CEREAL! Pasta, bread, butter, rice, etc are my carb family. They are what i run do in boredom, anger, hurt, sadness, happiness, and any other emotion of the moment. They trigger that thing in my brain that for a split moment i think I'm ok. I think if i keep eating and enjoying the moment everything will be oky doky. Then i stop though, either after getting my fix or being so full i can't eat anymore, that the guilt sets in. That emotion is the worst. It can lead to even more eating or i just go sleep the thoughts away. Evil cycle!

3: Slowly Reduce The Amount of Trigger Foods

The article i read was very big on not cutting them off cold turkey. That is just asking for trouble. I have tried this in the past and it can drive you crazy. I just end up binging and being right back where i started. It's taking each day at a time and facing each obstacle as they come. I can still enjoy my favorite foods, but in portions and when it is acceptable to have them. Not when i think i need them! We eat to live, not live to eat!

4: Exercise

This is kinda a duh, but the first thing i let slip when i am in one of my bad emotional eating states. I'd rather sleep away the emotions then sweat them out. I actually love exercising and watching my body transform. I love the feeling i get after a great workout. I wish i could just bottle it up and keep it for a rainy day. This is what i will be working on the hardest. I don't want it to become my next addiction like i did a couple years ago. I was an exercise machine! I would not go out or plan my days out around my exercise. It was insane! All i did was transfer my food addiction to seeing how much exercise i could squeeze into each day. And just like my food issues i burnt myself out and didn't exercise again for months. I'm looking for that happy medium. Going for a walk with my pup instead of eating a whole gallon of ice cream is what i want. I want to want to go out or move my body then head to the food. I want to flip my brain to health! I can use an example from today. Lewis confronted me about eating all the cereal yesterday and said if i don't get a hold on my addiction i will never get this weight off for good. He was right, but it was kinda a shock to the system hearing it from someone else. He has seen me at my lowest and highest. Out of anybody he knows me more then anybody. I just wasn't ready to hear that to my face and it really hurt me. I went straight to the fridge and cabinets looking for comfort. Thankfully i stopped and thought about the articles i read and walked away. I then went into comfort zone 2. I decided i would just sleep the hurt away and be refreshed when i woke up. But...i could not get to sleep. I battled myself for a while and decided to pull myself out of bed and got a 30 minute bike ride in on my stationary bike. I felt amazing! I got the comfort i needed, the hurt was pushed out by sweat, and i had no guilt! I had...pride! I want this type of behavior to continue no matter what comes my way.

5. Plan Meals

I've been doing really great with this, this year and once i stop adding things during my bad days ill be doing good. I also need to plan better when i work for RO. That's defiantly my down fall right now. Passing all those fast food joints and watching your partner eat it...can be a challenge to say no. I'll get there though.

6. WATER, WATER, WATER = DUH HA

7. Learning Deep Breathing and Meditation Exercises

Not my favorite things, but i have tried them and they can really help. They take alot of patience and focus though and defiantly not for everybody. I'm going to try and do my devotionals and prayer more regular. That is my kinda meditation. I'm slacking in that department, but i do believe in God and who better to have on your side in time of trouble. The best counselor, friend, father, cheer leader, and ruler you could ask for. He's always there no matter where you are or what you are doing. He doesn't judge you, he loves you with a love no one on earth ever could. He died for you! I mean...how powerful is that. He died so i could live and follow him. If that doesn't move you...i don't know what will. I am only human, but with him on my side i can do wonders. Oh, He's also free! :D

8. Distract Yourself Till Compulsion To Eat Passes

I want to use exercise, prayer, devotionals, blogging, and whatever else i can distract myself with. It's going to be hard this year i know it, but i want to work hard so eventually everything will just come naturally. There will be times ill have to fight hard, but it will be such a blessing when the day comes I'm not so torn between everything. Healthy LIFE style change is what I'm headed for.

I want a reward for myself for every month i make it through my own personal rehab. I don't know if it will be a chip with days on the back or a little trophy or what it will be, but i just want something to symbolize my progress. There is no end date. There can't be one. This is for LIFE! I have set goals and dead lines and look where they have got me. More stressed then when i started, guilty, depressed, and a plan out failure. They all just lead me to breaking down and going right back to bad habits. I can't push aside the problem for a few months and expect to be fixed. This will be a forever thing until the good Lord takes me home. I hope that's when I'm 100, but until then i want to be the best i can be. I want to encourage and love myself. I would love to share my story and help others. I want people to know they are not alone and they can be who they want to be inside and out.

March 1st starts my Brain Rehab. These last few days of February will be planning and learning more about myself and how i can improve. Hopefully by my next blog ill have a game plan to type out and ready to go. I only have this one life and i need to step up! :D

Have Mercy!

Weigh In: 273.4 Maintain BMI: 41.6

Phew! I was expecting some kind of horrible gain, not a maintain. So, Yay! LoL It was defiantly the motivation i needed to kick myself back into gear. Yes, i had a not so good week, but my body was kind enough to maintain, so, i need to be kind enough and get back into gear. Healthy choices, ONE free day, NO EXCUSES, and keep the burn going. Sweat, tears, and fear! One day at a time, one choice at a time, one step at a time. With each step taken i will get farther and farther away from this girl i do not recognize and the bad habits she has formed. Sexy Summer in the works! ;D

So far this week is going well. Only have 5 days this week before my next weigh in due to the short month. Only splurged once this week and that was on a slice of pizza and a chocolate cherry candy. I let that be my one treat for the week and that's it! I have exercised every day so far and got my water in. Sadly on Thursday i got a huge blister on the bottom of my right foot from taking Mucnhkin for a hour walk. Darn shoes! It was so big i could hardly walk on it, so, exercise has been limited. I can't use my row machine or my walking DVD, but it's all good, no blister is going to keep me down! This week has mainly been pilates, which i do on the floor, and my bikey. I don't have to bare weight on my foot with those and still get the burn i need. Thank goodness yesterday it finally popped, so, i'm hoping next week i can be a little more active for my cardio days.

O M G! Scheduled my dolphin swim yesterday and i felt like a 5 year old drugged up on chocolate crack! Soooooooo excited! I wanted to do it while on the cruise, but the one in the Virgin Islands required you to have a passport. That was ok, but since we waited so long we would have had to pay all these extra fees and it would have been almost $500 dollars for 2 of them. Plus the $160 for each person to swim. Sheesh! I was like....i can pass! I'd rather save that $500 dollars and enjoy multiple things on the cruise. Thankfully though after a long day of searching i found a place in Miami, which is only 40 minutes from where we are staying in FL with Liza's dad, that i can have the same experience and not need a passport. YAY! Sissy and Liza are coming as well to watch, so, we will have an extra day all together. More yay! LoL I can't wait to meet my Fernando and have a swim with him. HeeHee

33 more days till we are FL bound!!!! Ehhhhhhhhhhh! :D

Deja Vu

Weigh In: 273.4 Gain: 2.8 Pounds BMI: 41.6

So, ended the month of January with a 7 pound weight loss. The plan was 15 pounds, but i would have been happy with 10 pounds. :Sigh: I could have made it to either one if i had stayed focus and not let the numbers and old habits effect me so much. I love the money that comes with all the hours i work, but it really took a tole on me this month. Little sleep, to much sleep, weird hours, night shift, and missing happy pills or taking it at different times lead to a crazy emotional, zombie existence the last 2 weeks. I didn't plan meals, skipped some exercises, and totally let the  munchies win. I had one binge last month which I'm pretty proud of. For my first month really back in the game i think all and all i did really well for what i had to work with. Did not want any gains, but least i came out with a loss for the month.

February has not started out so great. I am so not excited to weigh in tomorrow. Food this week has not been planned, not portioned, not healthy, and i have only exercised 2 of the 6 days. And water...sucked! Only 2 of the 6 days have i had 8 cups or more. Most days i got in 2-6 cups. :Sigh: I will not skip the weigh in though. I have to remain accountable to myself and face those numbers, whatever they may be.

This year is starting out like last year and i can't continue to let that happen!

37 days till we are FL bound and headed to our 1st cruise. I am not excited to be this heavy for my first cruise. I'm going to fight until then though and get has many pounds off as i can. I am also going shopping next week for clothes. Nothing in my closet fits right, right now and I'm excited to get some that will flatter the shape and size i am right now. I do not want to dwell on my weight and how i look right now on vacation. I want to enjoy myself and feel beautiful. I'm hoping to find some amazing dresses, tops, shorts, and a stunning bathing suit that assist and flatters the curves. :D

Here's to facing tomorrow head on and getting back in the game. If i can't get something set and stick to it i will always be fighting this battle. I'm tired of the battle! I want to win and maintain!