Brain Rehab

02-12-13: 269.2 Lost: 4.2 Pounds BMI: 40.9

Talked about one excited girl when I stepped on the scale that morning and saw those numbers. There was defiantly some happy dance moves. HA I only had 5 days between weigh ins that week and to have over 4 pounds gone in that short period of time...amazing!

02-18-13: 276.0 Gain: 6.8 Pounds BMI: 42.0

Well, i took last weeks amazing loss and just spit in its' face. :Sigh: There was no happy dance, but proudly no hatred for myself or cuss words for the scale. I had 6 days between weigh ins and week of not caring or watching what i ate or exercising. Me and Lewis went out for Vday and ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner out. Then that Saturday my sis, mom, and auntie came down and we ate out. I didn't eat so bad then, but didn't get in any exercise. Big key to keeping the weight off exercise is and i totally could care less during this week...as you can see with my weigh in. I also had to weigh in mid day since i was back on night shifts and i was totally bloated and swollen from bad food choices and not moving. All of it put together...blah numbers on the scale.

02-23-13: 274.4 Lost: 1.6 Pounds BMI: 41.7

Food this week was a little better, but still not what i would like. I did get back to exercising and the bloat of the week before was pretty much gone. I miss seeing that number 6 on the scale, but I'm proud to taking charge and not letting that horrible gain from the week before hold me back or lead to more gains. The year has already been a struggle with the scale going down, down, up, down, maintain, but it is what is is and i am proud to say i have not skipped one weigh in, no matter how bad my week was for myself. Skipping just leads to denial and more skipped and that eventually leads to pounds creeping up and i don't have time for that! I'm taking this positive weigh in this week and using it to push me on forward. Slow and steady!

Emotions have been a little crazy the last few weeks and i have not let myself come here and write it out. Sometimes i let them build so much...i just don't know how to get it out in words. I need to figure out something though. I can't keep letting food be my release. I realized today that i have been on this battle for 11 years. The Summer before 9th grade is when i first realized i had a weight problem and began the long, emotion filled 11 year battle. What do i have to show for it? Nothing! Just 11 years gone and being at the heaviest weight i have ever been at. Some days it's just sickening! Some days i don't think i will ever win over the fat and food cravings. Some days i love what i see in the mirror and other days i hate it. Some days i feel like i can do anything and it will be a walk in the park. Other days i feel exhausted and just trained from all the effort and failures. Yes it has been 11 years and my weight is bouncing off the charts, but i have learned what works for me, what portions look like without having to measure, how many calories are in certain portions and food items without having to look them up or adding them, i know all the steps to get me to my goal weight. The real issue that took me 11 years to 100% face head on...my addiction to food and my emotional eating. I can do every diet out there, do all the crazy exercise plans, but until i get a hold on this food problem i will never see that beautiful healthy number on the scale. I will never have a healthy body to bring a child into this world. I will continue to push my body beyond what i should and possibly cause health issues that i would never have gotten if i wasn't over weight.

I do not want that! I want to start my little family soooo bad! We actually decided to start in January 2014 and i have the rest of this year to make new habits and get my body and brain on the same page. I want a healthy 9 month pregnancy with no health issues for me or my little one. I want to be a healthy role model for my future little ones, not this struggling food addict that has no control of her life. I defiantly do NOT want them to pick up these bad habits and have to live their life like i have. It has finally hit home the last week that i have an issue. I kinda always knew that, but i would always push it back and thought it would just fix itself as the weight dropped. Sadly, it does not work that way. I spent all Friday night at work researching and found some very great articles. The verdict: Diet Rehab or Brain Rehab.

Steps:

1: Find a counselor or therapist.

Sadly i can not afford that nor will my insurance pay for it. Thankfully i have a wonderful mother i can go to at any time and talk out my issues and she gives me what i need at the time. A listening ear or some hard core advice that i need, but some times don't want to hear. I also have my amazing BuddySlim group in FB that i can spill my guts out to. They are a group of women that understand 100% what i am going through. I know they are there for me through the ups, downs, and all around. I know they will be honest with me and always be there to push me when i need it. Done of the above are professionals, but they know me, they understand me, and in my opinion that's the best therapy you can have. And...they are free!

2: Identify Trigger Foods and What Situations Trigger Cravings

Sugar and Carbs! I love chocolate, peanut butter, caramel in any kind of form. Cookies, ice cream, candy, or cereal. I LOVE CEREAL! Pasta, bread, butter, rice, etc are my carb family. They are what i run do in boredom, anger, hurt, sadness, happiness, and any other emotion of the moment. They trigger that thing in my brain that for a split moment i think I'm ok. I think if i keep eating and enjoying the moment everything will be oky doky. Then i stop though, either after getting my fix or being so full i can't eat anymore, that the guilt sets in. That emotion is the worst. It can lead to even more eating or i just go sleep the thoughts away. Evil cycle!

3: Slowly Reduce The Amount of Trigger Foods

The article i read was very big on not cutting them off cold turkey. That is just asking for trouble. I have tried this in the past and it can drive you crazy. I just end up binging and being right back where i started. It's taking each day at a time and facing each obstacle as they come. I can still enjoy my favorite foods, but in portions and when it is acceptable to have them. Not when i think i need them! We eat to live, not live to eat!

4: Exercise

This is kinda a duh, but the first thing i let slip when i am in one of my bad emotional eating states. I'd rather sleep away the emotions then sweat them out. I actually love exercising and watching my body transform. I love the feeling i get after a great workout. I wish i could just bottle it up and keep it for a rainy day. This is what i will be working on the hardest. I don't want it to become my next addiction like i did a couple years ago. I was an exercise machine! I would not go out or plan my days out around my exercise. It was insane! All i did was transfer my food addiction to seeing how much exercise i could squeeze into each day. And just like my food issues i burnt myself out and didn't exercise again for months. I'm looking for that happy medium. Going for a walk with my pup instead of eating a whole gallon of ice cream is what i want. I want to want to go out or move my body then head to the food. I want to flip my brain to health! I can use an example from today. Lewis confronted me about eating all the cereal yesterday and said if i don't get a hold on my addiction i will never get this weight off for good. He was right, but it was kinda a shock to the system hearing it from someone else. He has seen me at my lowest and highest. Out of anybody he knows me more then anybody. I just wasn't ready to hear that to my face and it really hurt me. I went straight to the fridge and cabinets looking for comfort. Thankfully i stopped and thought about the articles i read and walked away. I then went into comfort zone 2. I decided i would just sleep the hurt away and be refreshed when i woke up. But...i could not get to sleep. I battled myself for a while and decided to pull myself out of bed and got a 30 minute bike ride in on my stationary bike. I felt amazing! I got the comfort i needed, the hurt was pushed out by sweat, and i had no guilt! I had...pride! I want this type of behavior to continue no matter what comes my way.

5. Plan Meals

I've been doing really great with this, this year and once i stop adding things during my bad days ill be doing good. I also need to plan better when i work for RO. That's defiantly my down fall right now. Passing all those fast food joints and watching your partner eat it...can be a challenge to say no. I'll get there though.

6. WATER, WATER, WATER = DUH HA

7. Learning Deep Breathing and Meditation Exercises

Not my favorite things, but i have tried them and they can really help. They take alot of patience and focus though and defiantly not for everybody. I'm going to try and do my devotionals and prayer more regular. That is my kinda meditation. I'm slacking in that department, but i do believe in God and who better to have on your side in time of trouble. The best counselor, friend, father, cheer leader, and ruler you could ask for. He's always there no matter where you are or what you are doing. He doesn't judge you, he loves you with a love no one on earth ever could. He died for you! I mean...how powerful is that. He died so i could live and follow him. If that doesn't move you...i don't know what will. I am only human, but with him on my side i can do wonders. Oh, He's also free! :D

8. Distract Yourself Till Compulsion To Eat Passes

I want to use exercise, prayer, devotionals, blogging, and whatever else i can distract myself with. It's going to be hard this year i know it, but i want to work hard so eventually everything will just come naturally. There will be times ill have to fight hard, but it will be such a blessing when the day comes I'm not so torn between everything. Healthy LIFE style change is what I'm headed for.

I want a reward for myself for every month i make it through my own personal rehab. I don't know if it will be a chip with days on the back or a little trophy or what it will be, but i just want something to symbolize my progress. There is no end date. There can't be one. This is for LIFE! I have set goals and dead lines and look where they have got me. More stressed then when i started, guilty, depressed, and a plan out failure. They all just lead me to breaking down and going right back to bad habits. I can't push aside the problem for a few months and expect to be fixed. This will be a forever thing until the good Lord takes me home. I hope that's when I'm 100, but until then i want to be the best i can be. I want to encourage and love myself. I would love to share my story and help others. I want people to know they are not alone and they can be who they want to be inside and out.

March 1st starts my Brain Rehab. These last few days of February will be planning and learning more about myself and how i can improve. Hopefully by my next blog ill have a game plan to type out and ready to go. I only have this one life and i need to step up! :D