HOPE

Missed my Dr's appointment due to a Roanoke trip at Regional One. I tried calling to see if they would see me late or at another time that day, but they had nothing for me. The next appointment for a new PT was December 31st and I'm scheduled at Regional One that day. I don't know if it's the Devil playing with me some more or if this is a sign. I know my weight has alot to do with my mood and how I have been feeling. Maybe there is nothing wrong with my chemicals. Maybe getting off those birth control pills was the fix. Maybe I'm in denial. For now...I'm going to focus 100% on myself. Healthy food, exercise, devotionals, prayer. I have been focusing so much on my weight and how I look that i have not been able to get my mind on anything else. I've been so focused on how i look, how people see me, not wanting to see past friends because of how much i have changed in appearance, scared to go out in fear people are judging me by how big i am, fretting over what I'm going to wear, how i use to look, what i use to be able to wear, my stomach, my knees. my thighs, my arms, my face, my wrist, is Lewis still attracted to this blob, and on and on and on. I have created my own hell. I have created this darkness. I have allowed it and have been trying to make excuses for it all. I've been trapped in myself for far to long. Tonight at midnight...BEAST MODE IS ON!

13 weeks and 5 days until the Color Run. Count down is on! Hip hop abs with some elliptical and a side of bikey. No gluten and low carb. Helpful vitamins. Add in some personal soul searching and a whole lot of God's control. It will all equal out to one sexy machine come April. I don't know if i will be able to "run" but I'll sure be to able to move better then i did this year. :D

Tomorrow: weigh in, pictures, measurements. Day 1!

As my screen saver says: FAT WILL SURRENDER TO ME!!!

Month: hair cut, hair color, eyebrow wax, pounds falling off!

Thinking about taking a picture everyday or maybe every week of my face. I want to make a slide show at the end of this and watch my transformation. Even if i get pregnant this year i want to watch all the little changes.

Ultimate goal: Be at goal weight by my high school reunion in 2016. Totally realistic even with a pregnancy in the middle. FOCUS!

I can't wait to get in smaller jeans, be able to put on socks comfortably, no more muffin top, be comfortable in clothes, recognize myself in the mirror, toned muscles, not getting out of breath after normal activity, love myself!

So many plans! It is so nice to finally feel the hope that i can do this. I don't have to be the "big girl" for the rest of my life! I do not have to settle with this! I'm in control! It's time to let my beast out, dig myself out of this pit of darkness!!!

I read yesterday that 2014 is the year of Light. Makes me smile! I'm ready for the light! I'm ready to SHINE!