Thursday, December 5, 2013

*2014*

It's hard to write any more. I don't know how to get things from my head into words. Music has been my only escape. Even now I'm having trouble trying to get out what i want to say. Life just sucks! My life in general doesn't but my out look does. Since September i have been slowly falling into this dark hole and try as i might i can not get myself out of it. I hate the sun, i hate light. I just want to stay in my bed with the curtains closed tight and my fave music blasting. I want to escape from myself. I want to escape from the world. I want to throw my phone into the ocean. I want to run away. I want to feel happy again. I want this dark shadow that seems to follow me every where to go away! I hate myself some days. I hate how i look. I hate how clothes feel on me. I...I hate not loving myself anymore. I hate wasting another day. I hate food. I hate not having control. I hate the numbness. I hate the loneliness. I hate i can't fix myself. I hate mirrors. Who is that girl i see? That can't be me? How did i get this bad? Why can't i get control? Why can't i be healthy? I HATE THIS FAT! Every one tells me, oh summer, think goodness you are tall. You don't look that big at all. ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND?! Seriously?!

2013 was suppose to be the year. I was suppose to get control. I was suppose to get this weight off. But here i am...just a few weeks from 2014. Im still fat. I'm still not in control. My depression is getting worse as the days go. My anxiety has returned. I had 3 attacks in November...2 in public and 1 where i actually called the police to check my house. Who am i? December was suppose to be the month i start back. Taking each day at a time and getting back to my routine. What a joke! Every day i make an excuse to sleep in. I make an excuse to eat what i shouldn't. EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES! I'm just sick of it all! So, why can't i get myself together? Why am I constantly fighting myself on a daily basis just to live? Thank God for my stubborn personality. I don't know where i would be if i didn't have that. It's the one thing i have in myself that still gets me out of bed everyday. It's what gets me through normal day to day things that most people would find easy. Taking a shower, brushing my air, getting dressed, going to work, eating, etc. It's such a struggle right now. I'm exhausted. I ache. I want to cry over stupid things or in stupid places. I want a hug, but I don't want to be touched. I want to be around people to escape myself, but want to be left alone at the same time. 

I just hope when i call the Dr's office today they have my paperwork. It's been 14 days and i don't know how much longer i can wait. I know i need help and for once i'm so ready for it. I'm done trying to fix things on my own. I need Dr's and God more then ever! I know i have an amazing support group around me and i am so blessed! They all are the life line i need right now. Some days i feel like they would be better off without me, but i know deep down that is not true. How could i leave this earth on purpose with all these people fighting for me. I can't let them down. I trully feel like i have a purpose in this life. I know God has something exciting for me at the end of this dark tunnel. I just need to cry out for him, let him in 100%, surrender my life once and for all! I know you are there Lord! I've pushed you away just like i do people in my life. I've let the Devil and his demons control my life and make me feel things that aren't reality. You are my reality. My past, present, future, and eternity. I pray for your strength, patience, your peace, comfort, and your love. Light will always be stronger then darkness! I feel far away from that light and you Lord, but i know i will get there. I just need to keep holding on. I need to try. I need to fight! I need to trust and have faith. 

2014...i have so many plans and dreams. I want to finally get control of my life. I want to be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. I want my own little bun in the oven! Oh....i want to be a mommy so bad! I want a little LewLew running around my home. I want that little bundle of joy so bad. I know right now i'm not ready and it breaks my heart. I did this to myself. But! I will fix this. I will be the mommy my future babies will be able to look up to. A mommy to raise them up strong, kind, full of Jesus, and love for all. I've had many dreams of what i wanted to be once i grew up. The one thing that has never changed...becoming a mother. It will be the best dream come true! 

This blog post is all over the place, but i feel a little better. I want to blog everyday in 2014 even if i can only get one sentence down. I want a record of my emotions. A record of my journey crawling out of the darkness. The day i become pregnant. The day i hit ONEderland. My 5th anniversary. All the ups and downs of this beautiful, crazy life i have been blessed to live. I will make it!

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