Lucky 13!

Weigh In: 280.4 BMI: 42.6

Happy New Year! I am quite excited to begin a new year and a new blog! I miss having a place i can come to and just let it all out. The good, the bad, and the crazy. The number 13 is one of my lucky numbers, so, I'm excited to see what it has in store for me this year. :D

I'm so ready to say goodbye to 2012. There were a few happy moments, but all and all it was just horrible. I defiantly hit rock bottom. Unexpected deaths, relationship issues, and stress, stress, stress. My job at Regional One had become the biggest stress and it had me going to a shrink and a family doctor to try anti-depressants/anti-anxiety pills. I was so lucky to find a doctor that truly listened to me and tried me out on Celexa. I know she wanted to help me, but she was informed of my struggle with weight and she still tried this pill first. Come to find out this pill is not only prescribed to people with depression and anxiety problems, but also for people with eating disorders. It makes your brain feel like you are never full, so, you want to continue to eat and eat throughout the day. I was 211 when i started the pill and ended up at 268, per the doctor scale, when she finally took me off of it. Thankfully, she understood more of my weight issues at this point and started me on Viibryd. It's a newer pill out that has no issues with weight gain or loss. So far it's doing amazing! My appetite has slowly got back to normal and food is not constantly on my mind.

The real wake up call though came on December 31, 2012. I laid down for an hour and a half nap between jobs and woke up to my legs swollen from mid thigh all the way to my toes with horrible tingles. I had to call out of work and head straight to the doctor. The nurse weighed me and advised i had gained another 20 pounds since my last visit, which was just over 3 weeks prior. 20 pounds in less then a month?! I knew i had gotten worse, but not that bad. Once she left the room i just cried. Pill or no pill...how could i let this happen to myself. I have never been that big! I don't even recognize myself in the mirror or pictures anymore. I can not be that girl i see...i just can't. I fought through some rough emotions, but finally got myself together before the doctor came in. She is so kind and advised Celexa may still be leaving my system and could account for the extra pounds. She took my blood work again to double check my thyroid also. It never hurts to double check these things. The swelling she believed was due to my weight gain which may be causing sleep apnea. I'm probably not getting the circulation i need in my legs at night due to it. Well, I'm fat and i possibly suffocate myself when i sleep. Go me! Going home that day i knew i had to do something. There can not be anymore excuses or denial. I'm stealing my husband's clothes right now cause i have hardly nothing in my closet that will fit. I have to wear his jeans, EMT pants, dress pants, and some shirts. Really?! It's just embarrassing and i can not believe i just ignored all my clothes slowly not being able to fit.

The past is the past! It's 2013! My lucky 13! Yes, i am 280 pounds...a number i never thought i would see. A number i will NEVER see again! I have so many firsts this year and so many things to live for. A cruise, a baby, a wonderful husband, family, and friends. I can not continue to let this weight have control of me. My depression and anxiety is linked alot to my weight, so, getting this weight off will not only help my physical health, but my mental health as well. I'm so tired of hating myself, being ashamed of myself, and not knowing who i am anymore. It's crazy how a number and your image can control so much of who you think you are. My favorite image is a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body. She is kicking and fighting to get out. That is how i feel. I will keep kicking and fighting through out this whole year and for the rest of my life. I will not shorten my life over a moment of pleasure with a favorite food. I am stronger then my cravings and much stronger then my emotions. I will learn new habits this year that will stick for life. This is not a diet, it's a life style change!

The Yo-Yo life is over! I've been working at this since the summer before high school and it has to end! I'm tired of getting to a comfortable weight and then letting all my hard work go down the drain. 140 is my goal and i will get there. It may not be this year, especially if baby #1 comes, but i will get there! Through vacations, deaths, relationship issues, work stress, and whatever else life may throw at me....i will get there! Mr scale...the boss is back!!! :D