Happy New Year?

Weigh In: 304.4

It's not what I wanted to see, but it was not as bad as I thought it would be. It is what it is and I'm ready to get that number shrinking week by week.

Food has been good this week. Exercised twice. Skipped yesterday due to New Years Eve, getting home late, and just being right out exhausted.

Today...trying to be strong. Trying not to eat the left over ice cream i left at work. I hope that saying about what you do the first day of the new year will represent the rest of your year. Lewis got bad at me for asking him to fix my seats that he had put up when using my car a couple weeks. A simple request i thought....man he just blew up. Saying i was to lazy to put them down, he doesn't know why i like them down, why do i want them down, blah blah blah. I was like, you put them up and it would have been nice of you to return them to the place they were in when you used my car, but besides that I'm asking you nicely to fix them for me if you could. That just lead to a fight that eventually lead to him saying, this is why i have been planning on leaving, but haven't had the money too. What?! I thought at first he just said it to be mean, to push my buttons. Later while talking by text message he said it was true. So, here i am planning our anniversary pics and vacation, a baby, and getting healthier to improve our relationship. He's over there trying to figure out how to leave. After hours of texting and fb messages it didn't get anywhere. I have an attitude, I'm mean to people, he's not comfortable with me around his people. Blame blame blame. We're miserable, we're not happy, maybe we're not meant to be. Where is this coming from? I mean really? I know we have our issues, what couple doesn't? I never knew it was this bad. Yes, i have some issues with him, things he does that just grind my nerves, but that's a marriage. I didn't marry him because he was perfect. I married him because i loved him, good and bad. I'm not miserable! He doesn't make me unhappy! I'm having some issues due to my weight and our love life is zero. But...we have talked about this! Now, it's an issue. I'm not affectionate enough for him. He says he tries and i deny everything. Well, I'm not a freakin' animal! I don't respond to pulls and touches. Open the lips God gave you and tell me what you want. I asked for alittle extra attention and verbal love, but why should he do it all he says? I'm not well right now and working on it everyday. Ive apologized for it and let him know it's not him. It's hard for me to love and be loved right now when i can't even love myself.

He's going to his shrink tomorrow for his ADHD follow up. I told him to ask her if she does couples or knows someone that does. He was told to get a name and number and with luck maybe we can find a day to go together. With our work schedule...who knows. How can a couple stay together working the way we do? I work, he's off. He's off, i work. Real healthy!

New Year's Eve was a dinner at AppleBee's that had some conversation, started by me, and nothing else. Then an exciting trip to krogers for our bi weekly groceries. Then home where we sat and watched the ball drop.. No new year's kiss. Nothing else! He didn't even look over at me when the ball dropped. Happy New Year! Not! We get to bed and of course we sit there with our IPADS. I ask for some back rubs and he gets pissed. He wants to play on his IPAD. OK, whatever! To sleep i went. We sure rocked in new year!

I don't know what to do. Right now I'm just soooo angry and hurt. I never saw this coming. I knew something was up with him, but didn't know he felt this bad about me. With the state I'm in with hating myself....it's not very helpful knowing your husband doesn't like much about you either. That he's not happy and miserable with you. Some days i don't know why we are still together or why I'm still living. He cleared it up I'm not a good person. The only guy out there that i thought could handle me and come to find out he cant. I don't know.....

Here's to a better tomorrow.

HOPE

Missed my Dr's appointment due to a Roanoke trip at Regional One. I tried calling to see if they would see me late or at another time that day, but they had nothing for me. The next appointment for a new PT was December 31st and I'm scheduled at Regional One that day. I don't know if it's the Devil playing with me some more or if this is a sign. I know my weight has alot to do with my mood and how I have been feeling. Maybe there is nothing wrong with my chemicals. Maybe getting off those birth control pills was the fix. Maybe I'm in denial. For now...I'm going to focus 100% on myself. Healthy food, exercise, devotionals, prayer. I have been focusing so much on my weight and how I look that i have not been able to get my mind on anything else. I've been so focused on how i look, how people see me, not wanting to see past friends because of how much i have changed in appearance, scared to go out in fear people are judging me by how big i am, fretting over what I'm going to wear, how i use to look, what i use to be able to wear, my stomach, my knees. my thighs, my arms, my face, my wrist, is Lewis still attracted to this blob, and on and on and on. I have created my own hell. I have created this darkness. I have allowed it and have been trying to make excuses for it all. I've been trapped in myself for far to long. Tonight at midnight...BEAST MODE IS ON!

13 weeks and 5 days until the Color Run. Count down is on! Hip hop abs with some elliptical and a side of bikey. No gluten and low carb. Helpful vitamins. Add in some personal soul searching and a whole lot of God's control. It will all equal out to one sexy machine come April. I don't know if i will be able to "run" but I'll sure be to able to move better then i did this year. :D

Tomorrow: weigh in, pictures, measurements. Day 1!

As my screen saver says: FAT WILL SURRENDER TO ME!!!

Month: hair cut, hair color, eyebrow wax, pounds falling off!

Thinking about taking a picture everyday or maybe every week of my face. I want to make a slide show at the end of this and watch my transformation. Even if i get pregnant this year i want to watch all the little changes.

Ultimate goal: Be at goal weight by my high school reunion in 2016. Totally realistic even with a pregnancy in the middle. FOCUS!

I can't wait to get in smaller jeans, be able to put on socks comfortably, no more muffin top, be comfortable in clothes, recognize myself in the mirror, toned muscles, not getting out of breath after normal activity, love myself!

So many plans! It is so nice to finally feel the hope that i can do this. I don't have to be the "big girl" for the rest of my life! I do not have to settle with this! I'm in control! It's time to let my beast out, dig myself out of this pit of darkness!!!

I read yesterday that 2014 is the year of Light. Makes me smile! I'm ready for the light! I'm ready to SHINE!

Dreams

It's crazy how one dream can set the mood for the rest of your whole day. In the last month I have had 2 dreams where Lewis leaves me. One dream I am in the back of an ambulance where a woman's child aborts and is birthed with her crazy husband in the back screaming its her fault then screaming its his fault for punching her. Last night I had a dream about an old coach. Most dreams I remember bring up memories that are not always bad, but my mind will dwell on them all freakin' day. Constantly replaying things! You should have done this, you shouldn't have done that, what if this happened, what if that didn't happened, this is what actually happened, why are you thinking about this, and on and on and on. It is quite exhausting! Days like today i dwell so much about the past that I get in this funk. I feel down, sad, depressed, tired, regretful, lost, alone, forgotten, worried, and down right blah! I can not wait for some kind of relief....from myself.

Dreams...they can be powerful little moments. So can the process of sleep! I love sleep, but right now it's a battle. Getting to sleep, staying asleep, getting comfortable, having dreams, and not wanting to get up. It doesn't help either that i got black out curtains. No light! It is so peaceful and makes me just want to stay cuddled up in my bed forever! If my brain would 100% shut down during sleep....I'd never want to wake up. Well....at least for a while. The world is just to busy for me right now. I just want warmth, blankie, no light, moisturized air, and peace. Sounds sooooo good right now as I'm sitting here at work trying to survive this last hour.

Happy note...our Christmas Eve and Christmas is tomorrow and Tuesday! My Christmas spirit may be foggy this year, but my 5 year old side is freakin' excited! It's the one day of the year i love to see morning come. :D HoHoHo

1 Step, 2 Step, 3 Step, 4

Step 1: Last Saturday I took my last birth control pill. After some research and talking to people that have known me on and off it...I think it may have something to do with my crazy moods throughout the years and possibly even why my nerves and temper are always on edge. I wanted to wait till I spoke with a doctor, but I have got impatient and want to take whatever steps i can on my own to get better. Me and the hubs are not that active right now, heck zero active...sooooo, there is no fear of a maybe baby. The body wants it, but the mind is like, uck! NO! I just think God everyday for my hubba. He is being so understanding, patient, and supportive right now. I couldn't ask for a better man.

Step 2: Yesterday I finally got an appointment set up with my new Dr's office. It has been over 3 weeks and they still do not have my paper work from my last Dr's office. Thankfully I had an amazing lady answer the phone. I was like, I have been patient as long as i can, but my depression, anxiety, and swelling ain't getting any better and I'm at the end of my rope. I just want an appointment and start on the help i need and want desperately. I can tell them about my past history better then any paper can, i can tell ya that much! So yeah! Next Monday at 8:30 I head in. I have to see a male doctor which to most people doesn't sound like anything off, but i have never seen one. I don't feel comfortable with one and I don't think they will understand my problems as well as a female. I don't know?! I don't want to wait any longer for my lady doc to get back, so, I'm just going to suck it up and get this first appointment done! It's just the meet and greet with a side of blood work soooo i should be ok. Hopefully, he is a rocking doctor and proves all my fears wrong. :crossing fingers:

Step 3: Survive the weekend and starting this Monday I am getting back into the swing of healthy living. I want to make the weigh in at the Doctor's office and my weigh in at the end of the month to be as good as i can make it. I just pray i do not see 300 or above. The highest i have weighed myself this year was 297.6. 299.9 or below is what i need to see. I mean...whatever it shows on 12/30 is what it will be....I just don't want to say I weighed 300 pounds. :Sigh: I have slacked enough for the last 2 months...time to get ready for  the beast mode of 2014! ;D

*2014*

It's hard to write any more. I don't know how to get things from my head into words. Music has been my only escape. Even now I'm having trouble trying to get out what i want to say. Life just sucks! My life in general doesn't but my out look does. Since September i have been slowly falling into this dark hole and try as i might i can not get myself out of it. I hate the sun, i hate light. I just want to stay in my bed with the curtains closed tight and my fave music blasting. I want to escape from myself. I want to escape from the world. I want to throw my phone into the ocean. I want to run away. I want to feel happy again. I want this dark shadow that seems to follow me every where to go away! I hate myself some days. I hate how i look. I hate how clothes feel on me. I...I hate not loving myself anymore. I hate wasting another day. I hate food. I hate not having control. I hate the numbness. I hate the loneliness. I hate i can't fix myself. I hate mirrors. Who is that girl i see? That can't be me? How did i get this bad? Why can't i get control? Why can't i be healthy? I HATE THIS FAT! Every one tells me, oh summer, think goodness you are tall. You don't look that big at all. ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND?! Seriously?!

2013 was suppose to be the year. I was suppose to get control. I was suppose to get this weight off. But here i am...just a few weeks from 2014. Im still fat. I'm still not in control. My depression is getting worse as the days go. My anxiety has returned. I had 3 attacks in November...2 in public and 1 where i actually called the police to check my house. Who am i? December was suppose to be the month i start back. Taking each day at a time and getting back to my routine. What a joke! Every day i make an excuse to sleep in. I make an excuse to eat what i shouldn't. EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES! I'm just sick of it all! So, why can't i get myself together? Why am I constantly fighting myself on a daily basis just to live? Thank God for my stubborn personality. I don't know where i would be if i didn't have that. It's the one thing i have in myself that still gets me out of bed everyday. It's what gets me through normal day to day things that most people would find easy. Taking a shower, brushing my air, getting dressed, going to work, eating, etc. It's such a struggle right now. I'm exhausted. I ache. I want to cry over stupid things or in stupid places. I want a hug, but I don't want to be touched. I want to be around people to escape myself, but want to be left alone at the same time. 

I just hope when i call the Dr's office today they have my paperwork. It's been 14 days and i don't know how much longer i can wait. I know i need help and for once i'm so ready for it. I'm done trying to fix things on my own. I need Dr's and God more then ever! I know i have an amazing support group around me and i am so blessed! They all are the life line i need right now. Some days i feel like they would be better off without me, but i know deep down that is not true. How could i leave this earth on purpose with all these people fighting for me. I can't let them down. I trully feel like i have a purpose in this life. I know God has something exciting for me at the end of this dark tunnel. I just need to cry out for him, let him in 100%, surrender my life once and for all! I know you are there Lord! I've pushed you away just like i do people in my life. I've let the Devil and his demons control my life and make me feel things that aren't reality. You are my reality. My past, present, future, and eternity. I pray for your strength, patience, your peace, comfort, and your love. Light will always be stronger then darkness! I feel far away from that light and you Lord, but i know i will get there. I just need to keep holding on. I need to try. I need to fight! I need to trust and have faith. 

2014...i have so many plans and dreams. I want to finally get control of my life. I want to be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. I want my own little bun in the oven! Oh....i want to be a mommy so bad! I want a little LewLew running around my home. I want that little bundle of joy so bad. I know right now i'm not ready and it breaks my heart. I did this to myself. But! I will fix this. I will be the mommy my future babies will be able to look up to. A mommy to raise them up strong, kind, full of Jesus, and love for all. I've had many dreams of what i wanted to be once i grew up. The one thing that has never changed...becoming a mother. It will be the best dream come true! 

This blog post is all over the place, but i feel a little better. I want to blog everyday in 2014 even if i can only get one sentence down. I want a record of my emotions. A record of my journey crawling out of the darkness. The day i become pregnant. The day i hit ONEderland. My 5th anniversary. All the ups and downs of this beautiful, crazy life i have been blessed to live. I will make it!

September Conquered!

Month Total: -9.8 Pounds
Start: 291.2 End: 281.4
Start BMI: 44.3 End BMI: 42.8

Feeling pretty good! Wanted to loose a total of 10 pounds, but i say that is close enough! I had no free days, no soda, and stuck to my 1 gallon a day for the majority of the month. I allowed myself to eat out, but stuck with my WW points and chose the best thing i could. I'm just really proud of myself for finally sticking to it. Will power was in high gear with no room for excuses. Last month proved i can still enjoy life while getting this weight off. I don't have to hide or stick to a crazy diet plan or exercise regiment. I'm practicing every day to make this journey a life style change. I'm out to not only change my outside, but my inside as well. All the way from my brain, to my thighs, to my heart, and my soul. You can't fix one and expect everything else to fall in line. Everything has to get together and work for the main goal = a healthy lifestyle.

I'm pumped for October and the results to come. Today i plan to get my measurements and pictures taken. I want a visual record to look back on. Something to keep pushing me forward. Something to look at to see the me i never want to be again. Sticking with pretty much the same goals as September, but allowing one free day this month. Maybe! I rocked so well last month that i may try for month #2 with no free day. I don't want anything to make me slip up!

Here's to the next 10 off!

Feeling Powerful

1st week of September down and I'm feeling AWESOME! Lost 1.2 pounds with me being at an even 290 now. I'm coming 280's, I'm coming! LoL I stuck to my exercise schedule without changing it or missing a day. I said no to a dozen doughnuts that traveled with me for a whole day until i got home to give them to Lewis. I said no to Lewis' leftover pizza and no to chocolate cake at work. The smell diet sure got me through the week. Sniff Sniff! LoL I was also able to get a gallon of water in every day of the week. Talk about commitment! That gallon water jug has become my new best friend. :D

This week has been going strong. Really wanted to skip my tone day yesterday since i got home around 10pm, but i took a breath and just got it done. I had to stay up late anyway for the next day's night shift, so, there was no reason i couldn't get it done. I know what i want and skipping exercises and flipping around my workout calendar is not going to get me there. It just pushes me back! The longer i stick to this, the easier it will be.

Really proud of myself for my food choices and sticking with my WW points again. Pre-planning as  far ahead as i can really is helping and keeps me on track. Staying away from situations where i have to choose food the last minute is the best plan of attack right now. One day i will be strong enough and want to choose the right things, but for now...not so much. haha

I'm ready to rock the rest of this week and see what my next weigh in shows. :D