HOPE

Missed my Dr's appointment due to a Roanoke trip at Regional One. I tried calling to see if they would see me late or at another time that day, but they had nothing for me. The next appointment for a new PT was December 31st and I'm scheduled at Regional One that day. I don't know if it's the Devil playing with me some more or if this is a sign. I know my weight has alot to do with my mood and how I have been feeling. Maybe there is nothing wrong with my chemicals. Maybe getting off those birth control pills was the fix. Maybe I'm in denial. For now...I'm going to focus 100% on myself. Healthy food, exercise, devotionals, prayer. I have been focusing so much on my weight and how I look that i have not been able to get my mind on anything else. I've been so focused on how i look, how people see me, not wanting to see past friends because of how much i have changed in appearance, scared to go out in fear people are judging me by how big i am, fretting over what I'm going to wear, how i use to look, what i use to be able to wear, my stomach, my knees. my thighs, my arms, my face, my wrist, is Lewis still attracted to this blob, and on and on and on. I have created my own hell. I have created this darkness. I have allowed it and have been trying to make excuses for it all. I've been trapped in myself for far to long. Tonight at midnight...BEAST MODE IS ON!

13 weeks and 5 days until the Color Run. Count down is on! Hip hop abs with some elliptical and a side of bikey. No gluten and low carb. Helpful vitamins. Add in some personal soul searching and a whole lot of God's control. It will all equal out to one sexy machine come April. I don't know if i will be able to "run" but I'll sure be to able to move better then i did this year. :D

Tomorrow: weigh in, pictures, measurements. Day 1!

As my screen saver says: FAT WILL SURRENDER TO ME!!!

Month: hair cut, hair color, eyebrow wax, pounds falling off!

Thinking about taking a picture everyday or maybe every week of my face. I want to make a slide show at the end of this and watch my transformation. Even if i get pregnant this year i want to watch all the little changes.

Ultimate goal: Be at goal weight by my high school reunion in 2016. Totally realistic even with a pregnancy in the middle. FOCUS!

I can't wait to get in smaller jeans, be able to put on socks comfortably, no more muffin top, be comfortable in clothes, recognize myself in the mirror, toned muscles, not getting out of breath after normal activity, love myself!

So many plans! It is so nice to finally feel the hope that i can do this. I don't have to be the "big girl" for the rest of my life! I do not have to settle with this! I'm in control! It's time to let my beast out, dig myself out of this pit of darkness!!!

I read yesterday that 2014 is the year of Light. Makes me smile! I'm ready for the light! I'm ready to SHINE!

Dreams

It's crazy how one dream can set the mood for the rest of your whole day. In the last month I have had 2 dreams where Lewis leaves me. One dream I am in the back of an ambulance where a woman's child aborts and is birthed with her crazy husband in the back screaming its her fault then screaming its his fault for punching her. Last night I had a dream about an old coach. Most dreams I remember bring up memories that are not always bad, but my mind will dwell on them all freakin' day. Constantly replaying things! You should have done this, you shouldn't have done that, what if this happened, what if that didn't happened, this is what actually happened, why are you thinking about this, and on and on and on. It is quite exhausting! Days like today i dwell so much about the past that I get in this funk. I feel down, sad, depressed, tired, regretful, lost, alone, forgotten, worried, and down right blah! I can not wait for some kind of relief....from myself.

Dreams...they can be powerful little moments. So can the process of sleep! I love sleep, but right now it's a battle. Getting to sleep, staying asleep, getting comfortable, having dreams, and not wanting to get up. It doesn't help either that i got black out curtains. No light! It is so peaceful and makes me just want to stay cuddled up in my bed forever! If my brain would 100% shut down during sleep....I'd never want to wake up. Well....at least for a while. The world is just to busy for me right now. I just want warmth, blankie, no light, moisturized air, and peace. Sounds sooooo good right now as I'm sitting here at work trying to survive this last hour.

Happy note...our Christmas Eve and Christmas is tomorrow and Tuesday! My Christmas spirit may be foggy this year, but my 5 year old side is freakin' excited! It's the one day of the year i love to see morning come. :D HoHoHo

1 Step, 2 Step, 3 Step, 4

Step 1: Last Saturday I took my last birth control pill. After some research and talking to people that have known me on and off it...I think it may have something to do with my crazy moods throughout the years and possibly even why my nerves and temper are always on edge. I wanted to wait till I spoke with a doctor, but I have got impatient and want to take whatever steps i can on my own to get better. Me and the hubs are not that active right now, heck zero active...sooooo, there is no fear of a maybe baby. The body wants it, but the mind is like, uck! NO! I just think God everyday for my hubba. He is being so understanding, patient, and supportive right now. I couldn't ask for a better man.

Step 2: Yesterday I finally got an appointment set up with my new Dr's office. It has been over 3 weeks and they still do not have my paper work from my last Dr's office. Thankfully I had an amazing lady answer the phone. I was like, I have been patient as long as i can, but my depression, anxiety, and swelling ain't getting any better and I'm at the end of my rope. I just want an appointment and start on the help i need and want desperately. I can tell them about my past history better then any paper can, i can tell ya that much! So yeah! Next Monday at 8:30 I head in. I have to see a male doctor which to most people doesn't sound like anything off, but i have never seen one. I don't feel comfortable with one and I don't think they will understand my problems as well as a female. I don't know?! I don't want to wait any longer for my lady doc to get back, so, I'm just going to suck it up and get this first appointment done! It's just the meet and greet with a side of blood work soooo i should be ok. Hopefully, he is a rocking doctor and proves all my fears wrong. :crossing fingers:

Step 3: Survive the weekend and starting this Monday I am getting back into the swing of healthy living. I want to make the weigh in at the Doctor's office and my weigh in at the end of the month to be as good as i can make it. I just pray i do not see 300 or above. The highest i have weighed myself this year was 297.6. 299.9 or below is what i need to see. I mean...whatever it shows on 12/30 is what it will be....I just don't want to say I weighed 300 pounds. :Sigh: I have slacked enough for the last 2 months...time to get ready for  the beast mode of 2014! ;D

*2014*

It's hard to write any more. I don't know how to get things from my head into words. Music has been my only escape. Even now I'm having trouble trying to get out what i want to say. Life just sucks! My life in general doesn't but my out look does. Since September i have been slowly falling into this dark hole and try as i might i can not get myself out of it. I hate the sun, i hate light. I just want to stay in my bed with the curtains closed tight and my fave music blasting. I want to escape from myself. I want to escape from the world. I want to throw my phone into the ocean. I want to run away. I want to feel happy again. I want this dark shadow that seems to follow me every where to go away! I hate myself some days. I hate how i look. I hate how clothes feel on me. I...I hate not loving myself anymore. I hate wasting another day. I hate food. I hate not having control. I hate the numbness. I hate the loneliness. I hate i can't fix myself. I hate mirrors. Who is that girl i see? That can't be me? How did i get this bad? Why can't i get control? Why can't i be healthy? I HATE THIS FAT! Every one tells me, oh summer, think goodness you are tall. You don't look that big at all. ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND?! Seriously?!

2013 was suppose to be the year. I was suppose to get control. I was suppose to get this weight off. But here i am...just a few weeks from 2014. Im still fat. I'm still not in control. My depression is getting worse as the days go. My anxiety has returned. I had 3 attacks in November...2 in public and 1 where i actually called the police to check my house. Who am i? December was suppose to be the month i start back. Taking each day at a time and getting back to my routine. What a joke! Every day i make an excuse to sleep in. I make an excuse to eat what i shouldn't. EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES! I'm just sick of it all! So, why can't i get myself together? Why am I constantly fighting myself on a daily basis just to live? Thank God for my stubborn personality. I don't know where i would be if i didn't have that. It's the one thing i have in myself that still gets me out of bed everyday. It's what gets me through normal day to day things that most people would find easy. Taking a shower, brushing my air, getting dressed, going to work, eating, etc. It's such a struggle right now. I'm exhausted. I ache. I want to cry over stupid things or in stupid places. I want a hug, but I don't want to be touched. I want to be around people to escape myself, but want to be left alone at the same time. 

I just hope when i call the Dr's office today they have my paperwork. It's been 14 days and i don't know how much longer i can wait. I know i need help and for once i'm so ready for it. I'm done trying to fix things on my own. I need Dr's and God more then ever! I know i have an amazing support group around me and i am so blessed! They all are the life line i need right now. Some days i feel like they would be better off without me, but i know deep down that is not true. How could i leave this earth on purpose with all these people fighting for me. I can't let them down. I trully feel like i have a purpose in this life. I know God has something exciting for me at the end of this dark tunnel. I just need to cry out for him, let him in 100%, surrender my life once and for all! I know you are there Lord! I've pushed you away just like i do people in my life. I've let the Devil and his demons control my life and make me feel things that aren't reality. You are my reality. My past, present, future, and eternity. I pray for your strength, patience, your peace, comfort, and your love. Light will always be stronger then darkness! I feel far away from that light and you Lord, but i know i will get there. I just need to keep holding on. I need to try. I need to fight! I need to trust and have faith. 

2014...i have so many plans and dreams. I want to finally get control of my life. I want to be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. I want my own little bun in the oven! Oh....i want to be a mommy so bad! I want a little LewLew running around my home. I want that little bundle of joy so bad. I know right now i'm not ready and it breaks my heart. I did this to myself. But! I will fix this. I will be the mommy my future babies will be able to look up to. A mommy to raise them up strong, kind, full of Jesus, and love for all. I've had many dreams of what i wanted to be once i grew up. The one thing that has never changed...becoming a mother. It will be the best dream come true! 

This blog post is all over the place, but i feel a little better. I want to blog everyday in 2014 even if i can only get one sentence down. I want a record of my emotions. A record of my journey crawling out of the darkness. The day i become pregnant. The day i hit ONEderland. My 5th anniversary. All the ups and downs of this beautiful, crazy life i have been blessed to live. I will make it!

September Conquered!

Month Total: -9.8 Pounds
Start: 291.2 End: 281.4
Start BMI: 44.3 End BMI: 42.8

Feeling pretty good! Wanted to loose a total of 10 pounds, but i say that is close enough! I had no free days, no soda, and stuck to my 1 gallon a day for the majority of the month. I allowed myself to eat out, but stuck with my WW points and chose the best thing i could. I'm just really proud of myself for finally sticking to it. Will power was in high gear with no room for excuses. Last month proved i can still enjoy life while getting this weight off. I don't have to hide or stick to a crazy diet plan or exercise regiment. I'm practicing every day to make this journey a life style change. I'm out to not only change my outside, but my inside as well. All the way from my brain, to my thighs, to my heart, and my soul. You can't fix one and expect everything else to fall in line. Everything has to get together and work for the main goal = a healthy lifestyle.

I'm pumped for October and the results to come. Today i plan to get my measurements and pictures taken. I want a visual record to look back on. Something to keep pushing me forward. Something to look at to see the me i never want to be again. Sticking with pretty much the same goals as September, but allowing one free day this month. Maybe! I rocked so well last month that i may try for month #2 with no free day. I don't want anything to make me slip up!

Here's to the next 10 off!

Feeling Powerful

1st week of September down and I'm feeling AWESOME! Lost 1.2 pounds with me being at an even 290 now. I'm coming 280's, I'm coming! LoL I stuck to my exercise schedule without changing it or missing a day. I said no to a dozen doughnuts that traveled with me for a whole day until i got home to give them to Lewis. I said no to Lewis' leftover pizza and no to chocolate cake at work. The smell diet sure got me through the week. Sniff Sniff! LoL I was also able to get a gallon of water in every day of the week. Talk about commitment! That gallon water jug has become my new best friend. :D

This week has been going strong. Really wanted to skip my tone day yesterday since i got home around 10pm, but i took a breath and just got it done. I had to stay up late anyway for the next day's night shift, so, there was no reason i couldn't get it done. I know what i want and skipping exercises and flipping around my workout calendar is not going to get me there. It just pushes me back! The longer i stick to this, the easier it will be.

Really proud of myself for my food choices and sticking with my WW points again. Pre-planning as  far ahead as i can really is helping and keeps me on track. Staying away from situations where i have to choose food the last minute is the best plan of attack right now. One day i will be strong enough and want to choose the right things, but for now...not so much. haha

I'm ready to rock the rest of this week and see what my next weigh in shows. :D

Tough Love

- 30 days of no cheats

- 30 days of no soda

- 1 gallon of water each day

- No frozen meals/packaged meals

- Cardio: Leslie Sansone DVD 3 mile

- Tone: Target Toning DVD 

- Track points every day

I am not where i want or should be, so, it's time to get serious and tough on myself. Allowing myself a cheat day once a week is not working. It is not allowing my body to build up good self control. I plan to do a whole 30 days without any cheats. Then 30 days with only one cheat day for the month. The next 30 days I'll allow 2 cheat days for the month. I'll do this until i reach the point where i can safely allow a cheat day once a week again. 

I want this year on weight watchers to be a success. I want to be 100 pounds down and see that wonderful ONEderland again. I want to feel confident and beautiful for our 5th anniversary photos. I want to be healthy and get my body ready to try for our first baby. Oh my gracious the baby fever is high! I want my own little bundle of joy! I refuse to start though until I'm in a healthy weight range. I want that cute baby bump, not extra fat around the middle. I CAN DO THIS!

It's time for success! No more excuses! No more letting food rule my life! I have plans and a system to help me. The only thing standing in my way...is ME! Well, ME needs to stand aside and recognize the new life style change. RECOGNIZE!!! 

Pushing On

Almost done with my 2nd month on Weight Watchers. I was hoping to be close to 20 pounds down by now, but sadly...I'm not even close. After Monday's weigh in I'm 6 pounds down. Lost over 5 last month, so, as you can see this month is progressing turtle style. I lost 3 pounds last week which felt amazing and finally showed something for all my hard work. This weekend though we threw a party for Roni and Lil Ricky's birthday. I had alot of booze, hot dogs, cake, soda, no water, and no real exercise. Blah! Gained over 2 pounds of the 3 back. Doesn't help that TOM starts this week as well. Rawr! I'm trying to stay positive and focus on the little things i need to change each week, but with TOM hormones...this week has been quite a struggle to stay up beat.

I'm committed to tracking my points and activity. I'm not skipping weigh ins. I have even stuck with only having Bojangles twice a month! Come on! But...if I'm honest with myself i think my free day a week is bringing me down. I let myself have soda that day and treats I'm not allowed on a regular day. The extra problem is I'm not focusing on getting my water in or exercising on that day. I'm putting all this extra points and junk in my body and not working for it. Just because it's a free day, doesn't mean i have to go buck wild and sit on my butt!!!

Positive moment of this hormonal week: i won over cravings last night while working at R1. It was a constant night with little sleep and i wanted Sheetz soooooo bad! I had a couple chances to go by there, but i pushed through and just kept saying no. I feel like the more i stay in control the more the cravings will learn their place! ;D Another good moment is from today. The AC unit froze up and the house is quite toasty! Not a very fun place right now to get up and get a sweat on. I may pass out or melt away...neither sound very fun to me! BUT! Due to the warmth i got my bathing suit on and went outside to enjoy our pool. I floated around and just relaxed for 30 minutes and the last 30 minutes i made my own little pool workout. Swam some, floated some while crunching abs/moving arms, walked around pool with knees bent, and did a side crab walk. Felt amazing! Probably the most relaxing workout i have done!

So, even though my mind is going crazy over thinking about the numbers on the scale, I'm still pretty positive. The numbers may not be where i want them to be, but my body is feeling much better. My back doesn't hurt as bad when I'm doing things, my ankles haven't swelled in quite a while, and my workouts are getting easier to stick with. Regardless of the numbers...I'm doing amazing things for my body and i just need to keep focusing ahead. Every day brings something to accomplish and learn from...good or bad.

Weight Watchers

It's been quite a month since i last posted on here. The last 6 months have been quite a struggle and near the end of June i knew something had to change. I was not making any progress on my own and my weight was slowly getting higher and higher. I had to suck it up and realize i could not do this on my own anymore. Even with the support group on FaceBook, i needed something more. I needed something like BuddySlim to give me a push and make me more accountable. I have always tried to find free sites, like BuddySlim, but they always come with problems. The site going now for hours, things on the site not working, and threats the site will go down. There are some that are ok, but also make you pay for the extra stuff. I'm just done with that. I have always been curious about Weight Watchers, but have never taken the plunge due to the money. Well, after some research I decided to join. The best part...my momma said if i stick with it, commit, and make it a month she will pay for my start up fee. Amazing! With the great help and tracking from W.W. and the money push from momma i almost have my first month now. This will me my first month the whole year i have made it through without screwing up. The month has not been perfect I'll be honest, but it could have been alot worse. Keeping track of my food points is soooo much easier then calories and it really keeps me self conscious of what food i should and should not eat. Just...amazing! :D

So far this month i am down 5.8 pounds. The major goal is to lose 10 pounds a month, but anything is better then nothing or a gain. I'm excited for ever ounce and pound that comes off. This last weigh in i only lost 0.2 pounds, but this girl was thrilled! Only exercised like 3 days and had 3 days of not so good food choices and soda. Not seeing a gain and showing some kind of loss....works for me!!! I just want to keep going down no matter how little or much it wants to go. I have to keep pushing on and work on not setting myself back with gains. Gains may seem small at first, but they cause emotions that lead to not caring, bad choices, and more pounds. I'm looking forward, not back!

Next month has already been planned for exercise and goals. I'm moving from the 1 mile on my walking DVD to the 2 mile. Woot Woot! I'm trading the Wedding toning DVD to the 10 minute Solution Target Toning DVD. I alternate those and have a rest day before weigh in. This month ahead i want to continue focusing on my food choices and fighting the lazy bone. This month i did amazing at the beginning with getting my exercise in and then near the middle i started slacking. I don't need to be perfect every day, but no matter what, i want to get in some kind of movement. Even if that movement is just cleaning the house or taking a small ride on the bikey. It all adds up and gives me activity points. ;D

I know I'm sticking with W.W. for a year. Next July i hope to be way under 200 and start trying for baby #1. It would be even better if i can hit my normal high weight range, 164.4. That would have me at a comfortable and safe weight to start trying. Either way I'm still gonna be focused on my weight and working towards that goal weight of 145. :D Once we know we are having a baby I'll be more concerned of maintaining, losing what i can, and major focus on not gaining anymore then is necessary for the baby. From my research you shouldn't gain more then 20 pounds. I need to speak with my doctor and confirm all this, but right now that's my aim.

Oh goodness i can not wait to get this extra chunk off! I want my hubs to be able to just engulf me again in his hugs and pick me up. I want to be able to lay on my back again without my neck and boobs trying to strangle me. I want to be able to go outside in the heat without feeling like every piece of me is sweating and swelling up. I want to be able to spend a whole day out shopping or having fun without my ankles swelling and hurting. I want to see my wrist bone and collar bone again. I want that little flap of skin/fat on my back leg to go away. Talk about something rubbing together and hurting! I want to be able to wear cute jeans again without the muffin top. I want to be able to fit into all my old shirts. I want to be able to have an adorable baby bump! :D

*Wonder Woman*

Skipped our last weigh in. The week was very emotional, bad eating, and only one day of exercise. I just couldn't deal with what the scale may have shown. It is only the 3rd weigh in i have skipped this year, so, I'm not to upset about it. Alot better then the skips from last year, that's for sure. Anyway...been trying to do better this week and get ready for the next weigh in. It hasn't been perfect, but I'm trying. This morning i let my emotions control me and i got Lewis to bring me Bojangles. Chicken biscuit, bo rounds, Dr.Pepper, and 2 bo-berry biscuits. I wanted fries, but once again the drive through people did not read the receipt right. It just hit the wrong nerve and they got a professional phone call to make sure they talk with their people about this and make sure they all can read. I should not have to check my bag every time i go. Sheesh! I also think it was Jesus' way of telling me i didn't need it this morning. I say eh! LoL

Even with this negative, there comes a very positive good from today. I did a whole 30 minute workout DVD when i got up this afternoon. Warm up, arm toning, power cardio, and a cool down. I have not done a whole 30 minutes in quite some time. I have had this thing in my head that i am so huge and i just am not able to do some things, BUT I CAN! 2nd accomplishment of the day...i rode my bike to work. 1.82 miles and about 18 minutes. There was a few times i thought i was just going to die, but i made it!!! I even had to has Jesus to give me a push or two. I never stopped, i just kept pedaling, and changing my gears. My poor butt also felt like it was just going to go numb and fall right off. LOL Thankfully once i hit main street it was a nice straight, smooth road and was very enjoyable. Weather was just right with a wonderful breeze. I can't even express in words right now how proud i am of myself. It's probably my most proudest moments of this year. Summer! You biked all that to work and you are still living! Remember this day and keep pushing yourself forward. At times i know i am going to feel like just falling down and giving up, but if i keep on pushing i know it will result in amazing rewards. :D

I have 12 hours at work to rest and then its round 2 to get back home. Lord...i may be calling on you again. heehee

Just Blah

June 1st weigh in: 285.2 Gain: 0.8 Pounds
Lewis had a small gain as well.
No winner for the week.

Had an amazing weekend away with my bestie, baby Brayden, and my momma. Did not want to end. Ate ok for being away from home, but have not got any exercise in for the last 3 days. The last 2 days i have been anchored to my couch snoozing. I had no energy or will to get up and do anything. All i wanted to do was sleep, drink apple juice, eat cereal, and repeat. I just wanted to stay like that forever. After a great weekend i do not know why my mood went south so fast. This mood is not helping get that gain back down...that's for sure. The Little Cesar's we had last night is not helping either. :Sigh: I've been craving Dr.Pepper as well, but proud to say i have kept to juice and water. The last 4 nights have not been good either. Sleep will just not come to me! I toss and turn, i feel like I'm burning up, and I'm dreaming like crazy! I'm also getting very dry at night in my mouth and nose. It's just uck! I know the lack of sleep is defiantly a part of where this mood is coming from.

I have decided today to come off my happy pills. Lewis says he can see a difference and is not to thrilled with my decision. Coming off can bring crazy moods...i was one crazy lady coming off Celexa. I have enough this time around to come off Viibryd with no crazy side effects...i hope. I have not been able to loose weight since being on some kind of pill. That just hit me today. I have been in constant yo-yo with my weight and my moods. I'm ready to stop and just move forward. It may have nothing to do with the pills, but i won't 100% know until i come off. Crossing fingers i can control my moods by myself along with getting control of my weight again. Honestly...I'm really nervous. My weight has alot to do with my mood and no happy pill is going to fix that. I'm just scared i can't live without a pill. That my life will constantly have to be leveled and stablizied by something i have to take every morning. That itself is depressing. IDK...maybe i should just call my doctor and see what she advises. Everyone keeps telling me to try Welburtin which can really help you loose weight, but im scared to try something else. I'm scared to go off, scared to try something else, and scared to use anything at all. Yay!

For now i'm just going off Viibryd. If it doesn't bring the results i hope...i guess i will make another appointment with the dr and go from there. I just hate this feeling of not knowing what to do with my own body and mind, having to rely on a dr and a pill. It's just blah on this blah of a day!

Winner

Last weigh in: 284.2 Loss: 3.8 Pounds
Lewis lost 2.6 Pounds

I picked The Lucky One to watch about the soldier who found a woman's picture over in war, came back to the states, found her, and fell in love. It was such a good movie, even with Lewis' man comments throughout it. LoL

Our free day this week we had lunch/dinner at Golden Corral and tried 3 different Chex Mix bags that were flavored with sweet goodies that night as our movie munchy. Had 2 plates of regular food at Golden Corral and one plate of deserts that me and Lewis split. Mmmmmm sugar! LoL Another one down, no regrets, and nothing crazy. Flower Power! Oh! I also had a little cup cake at work that afternoon. Thank goodness they brought them on my free day. LoL

Today i said no to a cup cake and a free sugar item. Work has been insane! CAD went down for hours and everything had to be done on paper. It was my first experience with that and it was very stressful. Everything had to be logged and looked up. Just crazy! How they did it back in the day...i do not know! LoL Anyway, Holly said since it was such a hectic day she would buy us all something sweet from McDonald's. Oh my, a milkshake or cookie break today would have been heaven, BUT i didn't need it. I just really, really wanted it. I was tough and said my magic word no. I even said no to the last cup cake. Holla! NO NO NO NO NO! LOL Right now i can't afford to slip up and make excuses to enjoy things i really shouldn't. I know where it will lead. One excuse here, one bad thing there, and before i know it all my hard work gets flushed down the drain and I'm back to where i started. Eating anything and everything. Not exercising. Gaining. I defiantly do not want to continue this up and down weight thing. I know it's not good for my body or my mind set. The more no's i throw the closer i get to my first chip!

Next weigh in for us is Saturday and I'm feeling good about it. I just want to see numbers slip on off for us and get those cruise bodies! heehee

Mind Over Food

Yesterday was our free day and i have to say i did pretty well. I was late for work and didn't have breakfast which was not so good, but the belly survived. Lunch was at my oh so fave place, O'Kellys. I had a chicken salad sandwich, Doritos, Cinnamon danish, and a Mr.Pibb. Dinner was at Western Sizzling where i only had 2 plates of food, only one roll, and i didn't dip my regular food in ranch. Success right there! I love my bread and ranch! LoL We decided to skip desert there and instead had it at Sweet Frog. It was defiantly what the sweet tooth needed. At home though Lewis asked where the left over pizza was from the other night and my craving meter went off the chart. I had forgot that was in the fridge and when he mentioned it i just had to have some! He said we could split it, but i said no. I had already had my meals for the day and didn't need to eat something just to eat it. I almost changed my mind at one point though. I walked to the fridge. opened the door, touched the contained, then set it back down. There was no since in eating it! I had just finished my bikey ride and didn't need extra, empty calories in me. I'm proud to say i walked away and didn't have any of it. The body was not happy, but once i got to bed, played with my IPOD, and watched a movie with Lewis it had pretty much forgotten it. That's the hardest part knowing the craving will pass. It's just a matter of sticking to your guns and finding something to do until the demon passes. I'm not saying i will pass every time, but winning last night's pizza trial really makes me feel good. I feel like i can get control again. I have to! I have those adorable poker chips to achieve. :D

Before Picture

So, here is the beautiful before picture. Did not realize how round the middle had become...have mercy. It's really weird how the brain sees things in mirrors then what it sees in pictures. Crazy little creature it is! Anyway, here i am at a whopping 288.0 pounds. I NEVER thought i would reach a number like this or look that above. Sigh! It is what it is and i am ready to commit and get this weight off for good. Even if that means slow and steady. I can't rush this. This weight did not come on over night and sure as heck ain't going away over night. My ultimate goal is to be at goal weight, 145, before my high school reunion which will be some time in 2016. That gives me 2 1/2 years to slim down, have a baby, and finish the rest of the weight.

I CAN DO IT!

For the rest of May I'm just going to focus on cardio- riding my bikey and walking when the weather/time allows me. Starting in June i will get back to my toning 3x a week. I'll start with 10 minutes 3x a week and slowly build myself back up to 30-60 minutes 3x a week. Right now my body just ain't got what it use to, to bust out a hard core weight workout. Heck...it can't even bust out a hard core cardio workout. The last time i tried...i really thought my heart was going to jump ship! I am not where i was a year ago and i have to remember my body has to build back up to that. It's been hard facing how out of shape i have become, but the good thing is i will get back to a mean, fighting, workout machine in no time. Woot! 

Get ready, cause here i come! Bump bump! Get ready, cause here i come! 

100 Pounds

Last weigh in I was 287.0 pounds. The evil cycle is still continuing to circle. I feel like i just don't know what to do anymore. Plan, not plan, go easy, go hard, eat this, don't eat that, exercise more, exercise less, try this pill, try that vitamin, drink this amount of water, but not this amount. I really feel that this journey has turned me into a crazy person inside. My depression or whatever you want to call it has it's good days, but i still am not feeling like myself. I hate my image in the mirror, I don't recognize myself sometimes. I'm embarrassed to go out and see certain people because i fear what they are thinking about me. "Oh goodness she has gained weight." Is that Summer, she's gotten big." And to the ones that i have encouraged to lose weight i feel like a complete failure. This was really bad last year and if i had it my way i would have never left the house. I have had moments like that this year, but thankfully this new medicine has really helped keep me moving forward. It seems really dark at the moment, but i know i will dig myself out of this for good one day. I have to many people in my life to support me that i know i will never truly fall into that darkness. I long for the sunshine above to touch my face and fill me with it's light. It's going to be a hard climb but with my stubbornness and pride and God's willing help...I'll reach it.

Our 4th anniversary is coming up and it hit me the other day looking back at some pictures that i am 100 pounds heavier then i was on our wedding day. 100 pounds! I know i have gained weight, but it never really hit me until then how much i had really packed on. Comparing pictures from then and now it's just mind blowing. I know it's me, but it looks like 2 totally different people. Every little feature about me has changed. My face, boobs, abs, back, arms, and my knees. I thank God for my height every day with all these extra pounds. I could not imagine what i would look if i was shorter. I see a little white ball of dough just rolling to and fro. Uck! I do not want to go another birthday or anniversary being this big. It's not 100% about my looks, but about finding myself again and getting healthy. The body changes and better image of myself will just be the bonus. We will take pics this year as always and i hope by our 5th anniversary we will have some amazing after pics to put beside these. :D

Speaking of before and after pics. I made a collage of 4 pics from our cruise in March and am making it our before pic collage. We are hoping to go on a cruise next April and i hope to have amazing pics to make another collage of our after pics and compare the two. I also made a collage with the picture from our honeymoon sitting on the rocking chairs and under it a pic of us sitting on these beach chairs from the cruise. It is a great visual of the changes in our body and what i want to get back to. It's hard to look at sometimes, but it's going to help keep me from going into denial and facing what i need to change.

Tomorrow starts the BoTime Challenge. No Bojangles for me until 10% of my body weight is gone- 28.9 pounds. I need a little tough love with myself and i thought this would be the toughest thing for me right now. Oh the yummy goodness...it shall be missed. LoL

I'm also thinking about starting me a weight loss charm bracelet. Every time i achieve a certain amount of weight loss or goal i will buy myself a charm. I want the charms to relate to my weight loss journey and things that will encourage me to keep on. Having something to wear will be another great visual guide to remind me of why I'm doing this. I think it will also be a great aid in helping me say no to things. I need things in my life right now to keep me focused, no matter how small it may be.

I know from the past couple months i will have good and bad days, but i want to fight on to when the good days start out numbering the bad. The time when the weight loss is adding up and not bouncing around. My brain and body is about had it with this yo-yo....it just can't continue. I fear for my future if i don't get a control of this. I fear what the scale may read, where my health may go, and if i will ever be able to have a child. I don't want that fear! Fear and worry have controlled my life along with food for to long! It's time to get into Wonder Woman mode and get it together.

You Are My SunShine

Weigh In: 282.4 Loss: 3.6 Pounds BMI: 42.9
Hubs Weigh In: 2.2 Pound Loss
Winner: Moi!

Finally! Last weigh in i was up to 286.0. A little 0.2 gain, but still a gain non the less. I thought being sick and hardly eating would help shed some pounds, but I'm thinking it had the reverse effect on me. Lack of food and water..i think my poor body was holding onto whatever it could.

Had a mental break down the other day. I think it was a combination of being sick for the last week and a half, lack of sleep, weight issues, and it being that TOM that made everything just come to the surface. I was on the phone with my momma when it happened. All she asked was how i was doing with my weight and i just started balling. I mean tears spilling non stop, choked up, snot running everywhere. It was embarrassing, but i think something i really needed. Mom was so comforting, but also tough. She understood where i was coming from, but reminded me of all the other times i had defeated this weight problem, that i could do it again, that i needed to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move forward. I was the only thing holding me back, destroying potential success. At the time i didn't want to hear any of it. Yeah i have done this before, but look where it has gotten me. The heaviest weight i have ever been. If I'm so good why can't i continue on and keep it off? How can i be such an inspiration and supported to her and others when i can't even help myself? I was really self hating and just hopeless. I'm happy to say though when i woke up the next morning, it felt like the sun had finally come back out. You know those commercials where the people with depression are in this dark hole...that's how i had been feeling for weeks. On this morning though i felt like i had finally pulled myself out. I can only think my momma for this. I didn't know how powerful her words and kindness were until now. My respiratory virus was pretty much on the down hill as well which helped a ton! I could feel my energy coming back and i felt like i could do anything!

What i really took away from the talk with my momma is i need to stop trying to do this weight loss journey and life in general in beast mode. I feel like if i don't stick to a certain plan 100% everyday that I'm a failure. If i mess up one day it leads to such negative thoughts. I have to learn that life is not perfect. That some things will come up that will have me to change my plans up a bit. And...that's ok! It's life. I have to learn to roll with the punches, stay positive, and keep moving forward. Just because one day goes bad does not mean more days, weeks, or months have to be just as bad. I don't have to wait till next week or next month to restart a plan or new one. I can start right now, right this second! Lewis is also teaching me that. He has been doing sooo amazing. He has been losing every week and is just taking each day at a time. Slow and steady can seem like it will take forever, but for my mental state...i know it will be better in the long run. It all adds up and i need to also remember that i have my whole life ahead to focus and be healthy. Trying to chop this all off as fast as i can is only going to lead to more negative thoughts, frustrations, and keeping me right on this evil cycle. I'm done with the cycle!

I am proud to admit that through all the struggles i have had the past few months...i have been binge free. I have ate bigger portions then i should and maybe a snack here and there i shouldn't, but i have not had a true binge since before our cruise i do believe. That was a big issue i had and it has taken me just this week to realize i have been fighting and can honestly say that part is gone. I have a desire to eat, but i always stop at one snack now. If it's not what my body wanted...oh well. Soooo yay! Through the darkness i have finally make one star appear. ;D

Beast mode is over. I'm who i am and i will do me. There is no one i need to prove anything to, but myself. I love myself and will from this day forward praise even the smallest success towards a healthy, smaller me. There will be bad days, but i will get through them and become stronger. There can not be anymore excuses or letting the darkness consume me. I have to keep fighting for the light. And the days i feel i can't....i will reach out to my momma or hubba...the 2 people in my life that are always my Sunshine no matter how gray my skies are. :D

The Cycle

Week 1-2: Beast mode. I'm strong, motivated, and focused. You can put anything in front of me and i can say no. It's not worth it. Weight is just falling off.

Week 3: Excuses. There usually is some event or my mind gets into this mode that I have been so good the last couple weeks that i should relax some. Instead of an extra day the excuses usually lead to a week of bad food choices, but i usually stick with my exercise. I can usually maintain, but most times i get a gain for this week.

Week 4: Guilt and depression sit in. I focus on all the weigh i lost the first couple weeks and how i let excuses bring me down and my weight right back up. I think of all the months gone by with nothing to show. I think of the years i have been fighting and losing. Why can't i control it? Why can't i enjoy myself for one day and not let that lead to a bad week? Why does food have such a hold on me? WHY?! I'm very withdrawn this week and would live in my bed eating ice cream and cookies if i could. Exercise is the last thing on my mind. Weigh in is usually a gain. It's a very dark time for me.

Week 5: DETERMINATION! I'm all about brushing it off, picking myself up, and setting new goals/plans. It's recharging time and getting myself refocused on what is important. It's about faking it till i can make it again. Exercise is up front and center again. The darkness is still there, but I'm dragging and clawing towards the light. Usually have a loss this week which fuels me into the next month.

*Repeat cycle*

It's exhausting! Some friends on FB who have been with me the last couple years with my weight loss suggested to talk with  my doctor again. The cycle could have something to do with TOM or my medicine or a combination of the two. It makes since, but i HATE going to the doctor. I feel weak and whiny. It's so frustrating that i can't get some kind of control on my own. I hate being dependent on a pill, especially when it doesn't seem to be helping anymore. Thinking about going up to the next dose, 40mg. If that doesn't work...i guess ill suck it up and speak with my doctor again. She is the best one i have had in a while, so, that does help. We shall see...i just need to do what Lewis says. JUST DO IT! I know it's not good for me, i know it makes me feel bad, i know what's coming...why do i do it then?!The million dollar question. If i could answer that...id be a weight loss machine. I use to be, but trying to find that balance is alot harder then i thought. I don't want to trade a food addiction to exercise/weight loss addiction like i did a few years back. I never left the house and anything i did allow myself to go to had to be planned around my crazy workout schedule. It was just insane! I want that happy balance of healthy food, junk food, rest, and good exercise. I have the tools, the support, the money, and the drive...i just need to keep looking at the light. Even if i have to crawl, scrap, and dig...i need to stay focused on the light. So done with the darkness and being this girl i know I'm not. I'm tired of living in this body that makes me uncomfortable and so unhappy.

Weigh In: 285.8 Gain: 4.7 Pounds BMI: 43.5
Lewis' Weigh In: 295.0 Loss: 3.6 Pounds BMI: 37.9

4th Week Winner: Lewis

I hate you week #3!

April 1st me and the LewLew started our new healthy life style. Our goal is to get as much weight off as we can and reach a normal weight range by April 1st next year. Lewis has said he would do it with me mnay times, but never really gave it a try. This time around...he's doing amazing! I am so proud of him and he's really keeping me in check. He has lost 6.4 pounds so far this month and has totally fixed his addiction with soda. SO PROUD! :D

The first 2 weeks i was on the ball! I lost 10.2 pounds. Talk about amazing! Then week 3 hit. The cursed week 3. This time around i had my birthday, birthday party, co-worker's birthday, and dispatch appreciation week. Let's just say there was alot of sweet left overs and free food laying around. I totally enjoyed it all...way to much! I am proud to say i exercised every day and tried to make up with that for all the bad food i was eating. Sadly...it didn't help at all. 3rd week weigh in came and i am up 2.7 pounds. I just want to go one round and not have a freakin' gain...especially during week 3. What is it about week 3...it's like my body fought hard for 2 weeks and is done. I don't mind maintains, but gaining is such a set back. I would love to say i took that weigh in and let it fire me up, but sadly week 4 has not started out that wonderful. Water sucking, soda, and bad food choices. I am getting my exercise in and plan to tip this food thing in the bud NOW! Uhhhhhhh! I have such a bitter sweet love with food. I love it, but yet...i hate it. It's holding me back so much! I have got to get a hold of this addiction! I am proud to say though i have not had one binge this month or allowed myself to eat out of any of the emotions i have been having. I plan to keep this up and get my first chip. :D

I'm getting my act together and plan to have a wonderful weigh in this week. I would love to take down this gain and have a little loss added to it. If i stick to my guns and focus i should still be able to keep with my 10 pound loss for the month. I can do this! I can't let Lewis win another weigh in! His movie choices suck! ;D

Back To Reality

The cruise was amazing! It was better then i thought it ever could be. I didn't bring my scale and i have skipped the last 2 weigh ins. I could not find a good spot to pack it and was to stress all the movement it would go through would mess up the insides. I didn't weigh when i got back due to extreme swelling...my poor ankles! I did exercise while away and the 3 days we were off the boat we walked, walked, walked, and walked some more. LOL Food was free anytime and anywhere. We did eat alot, but thankfully they had small portions...we just ate alot of them together. LoL All and all i feel good about it on the health front. I tried snails, lamb, and mussels for the first time. We also had lobster tail 2 nights on the ship. Mmmmmm!

Sadly since we have been back there has been alot of fast food, soda, and little exercise. I totally brought the relaxation home with me and since we haven't gone grocery shopping yet there is not much at the house to choose from. That will be solved this weekend. Not only has Lewis finally decided to loose weight with me, but the less we spend out now the more we can save for our next cruise. HeeHee We really want to go on a western Caribbean one that sails from November 3-10. Liza's dad and partner are going and sissy and Liza may go as well. Talk about a great get away with all of us on board!

Back to the health front though. I'm so tired of starting over and making new plans, but it is what it is. I don't think i deserve my chip this month. Yeah i did ok on the cruise, but i still ate when i shouldn't have and have just been horrible since i got home. Not chip worthy. Like i said above though after the cruise Lewis finally said he was ready to really loose weight. After seeing how many clothes he can't fit into in our closet now...really shook him up. He has even decided to give up soda. Crazy! But good! We start our weigh ins again on April 1st. Whoever loses the most weight each week gets to pick a movie to either rent, watch on netflix, or go see in theaters. He liked that idea. lol Also, for every pound off $1 goes into vaca fund. Aka next cruise fund. HaHa My goal is to be at baby making weight by my birthday next year: 160. It would be amazing to be at my goal weight, 140, but i don't want to push to much. Slow and steady wins the race! Just need to keep repeating that and keep strong. The ultimate gift to myself next year on my birthday would be the Southern Caribbean cruise i found that is 11 days long. :Sigh: Sounds like heaven to me! What better way to celebrate?! :D

I was giving up making an end date, but that has just lead me to make excuses. If you have nothing to work towards why worry when you flop. Now i have a deadline and possibly an amazing get away to work towards. As you can see....the cruise life has totally pushed the baby making ideas out a little bit. I wouldn't to try in January, but i don't think me nor Lewis will be ready. My body sure wont be ready. I think i shall go back to my old plans of getting my spring baby. My pills end next March. That gives me April, May, and June for my body to regulate without the pills. June we can start really trying and if everything works otay we shall have our little spring bundle. :D

I can finally say i love myself as i am right now. This cruise really helped me. This is the biggest i have ever been and i still had a wonderful vacation. Weight does not define your life! It's not healthy, but it's not who you are or what your life has to revolve around. I'm ready to get this fat off and love the slim, healthy me even more. The next cruise...i shall be one hot Summah! ;D

Cruise Plans

We will be gone from March 15th to March 24th. 10 wonderful days away from reality! I want to have a blast, but i also do not want this time away to ruin my rehab. Here's some plans:

1: Exercise everyday. The ship has like 3 different pools and a workout room. My plan is to get up every morning, exercise, shower, and get ready for the day. I would love to get in a hour every day, but as long as i get 30 minutes in I'll be happy.

2: Weigh. Just because i am away does not mean i can't keep up with my weigh ins. I'm going to pack my scale cushioned in a blanket. There is probably a scale some where on that ship, but i want my weight to be accurate. Every scale will read something different. Now, if i knew it would read a little less....would not mind that at all. ;D

3. Bring calendar and smiley face stickers. It's what i use at home to help push and record my exercising and i don't think leaving them at home would be that helpful. Knowing i still have to put my sticker on will be a good push to still stay active while away.

4. Bring one poker chip with me. I'm going to put it beside our bed. I want to wake up every day and see it. I want to be reminded what I'm fighting for and what's really important. The cruise is amazing, but my future health and mind set is top priority.

5. Stick with devotionals and prayer. Again, just because I'm escaping from reality doesn't mean i can forget the good parts. My devotionals are helping me so much right now and i do not want to be over a week behind while away on this cruise. I want to still make time every night, or the morning, to read my devotional and pray. God doesn't take a vacation on us. Why should i take one on him? :D

6. Allowing one day of drinking, St. Patrick's day. May try some drinks on the island, but nothing over board. Probably won't even drink that much on St. Patrick's, but I'm giving myself one day if i want it.

7. WATER. Will be bringing me and Lewis refillable water bottles and our calorie free drink mixes. Soda and a special drink will be allowed here and there, but again, nothing over board.

8. Love myself, love how i look, enjoy my time, and make as many memories as possible. AND LOTS OF PICS!

Very excited for this get away, but also excited to survive my first ever vacation without letting myself go crazy. I would love to come back with a pound loss, but the bigger goal is to come back with no gain. Food does not make the vacation. The sites, activities, and good company does. :D

***5 days and 13 hours***

Week 1 COMPLETE

Weigh In: 272.4 Loss: 4.4 BMI: 41.4

What a week! I exercised everyday with all my stickers up on the piggy calendar. A day just looks so sad without one of those colorful smiley faces up on it. HaHaHa Pretty proud of the weigh in. I ate out 3 times this week: OKelly's, Italian, and Bojangles. I chose the best things my body and mind could agree on and stayed tough. This week just shows i can still enjoy life and little treats as long as I focus and continue with my exercise. I even had a cupcake at work one day. It was sooooo worth the sugar treat. HA I even got all my devotionals done this week. In the past i haven't been able to find that happy balance of making time for exercise and devotions. I was so concerned about my weight i would let bible reading and studying be pushed to the back burner. I would get to it when i was really down and thought i needed it. After this week, i know i can't continue to live that way. God is not a special tool i can pull out only when i need him. He is always there and i need to praise him during the good and bad. Things i learned this week:

1: Making time for what i seek first...God
2. To stop worrying, God will supply all my needs.
3. Learning to balance my time and glorify him in everything i do.
4. Put my past behind me, carry my cross, and follow Him.
5. Let my light shine no matter where i am or who i am around.
6. Reading verses and praying them in my own words....never heard of this until now. It was a very powerful tool to take God's word and read them to him in prayer. It really makes you think what the verse is really saying and understanding it.
7. Forgive my enemies, people i may have some against or have hurt me. If i can't forgive them, Jesus won't forgive me and my short comings.

It was a powerful week. I was able to 100% forgive Lance and the hurt he caused me the other week. It still hurts if i think about it to much, but i don't have this hatred or the need for revenge like i had then. It is what it is and i can not dwell on it. That was probably the hardest prayer i have prayed in quite sometime. Letting go, forgiving, and sending up a prayer for him. At the same time though, it was so free! I felt like this weight was lifted off my chest and i could finally breath! I want to remember this feeling and use it to fuel me in the future. I know life is not perfect and there will be more people to hurt me or disappoint me. I want to continue down this path to not let them bring me down and for me to not hold hate in my heart. It only tears me down and holds me back. I want to keep praying and learning everyday to seek God first and learn to truly love and care for those around me. I want to let my light shine and bring as many people as i can to his side.

Today starts week #2 and I'm excited to OWN IT! I have another week in my devotional book that will be focusing on prayer. I never thought much about studying the bible for the way to pray, but there is alot more to it then i thought. Already on day one it has me thinking. Can't wait to see what the rest of the week brings.

For a side note...my poker chips came in and they are more amazing then i thought. Can not wait to have that first one in my hands! Ehhhh! Will be bringing one on the cruise to keep near to remind me of what I'm fighting for. :D

Love Letter #6

Dear Summer,
     Sorry for the delay in this letter. You have almost made it to the week mark and that is awesome! Just one more day to survive and you will have that 1st week under your belt. WhooHoo! You did amazing yesterday eating out as well and getting your snacks in. Each day and each meal out you stay in control makes it easier and easier for those new habits to form and stick. Also a huge pack on the back for staying in control of your mouth yesterday at Blair's. Some people think they know everything and don't want to hear or understand other's views or opinions. Great job for just letting the one yesterday just ramble and ignoring him. Some people are not worth the time or energy. Especially a Fowler...you know that. ;D I know it's hard right now trying to be the bigger person and letting your light shine, but IT WILL GET EASIER. You have been letting yourself be who people think you are for years and not really caring. You lost yourself, but you will find it again. Already in 6 days you have found bits and pieces of her and putting them back together. At the end of year, when you come back and read these entries, you will be amazed how much you have found of yourself and how much you have changed not only in scale numbers, but emotionally and mentally as well. Just continue to do you, do your devotionals, and always keep up the fight. YOU'RE AMAZING! :D

Love Letter #5

Dear Summer,
     Way to go today enjoying that cup cake at work and not letting it ruin your whole day. I know you came home wanting more sugar, that big bowl of cinnamon toast crunch sounded amazing, but you stayed tough. You got that bike ride and devotional done like a pro. Don't you feel so great?! You should! You are still enjoying life, but not letting it control you. Remember these days as you go along and it will become easier and easier each time. One day...it wont be even a thought to binge on that cookie pack, container of ice cream, or that box of cereal. You will conquer this!
     I know your cruise is coming up soon. Enjoy it! Let loose! You may not be at the weight you would like for a cruise, but you are beautiful Summer. The number on the scale does not define you or the type of fun you will have while on this cruise. You got an amazing bathing suit that flatters all your curvy-licous-ness and all you need to complete it is a huge, floppy sun hat. ;D This is a time to enjoy your husband, sissy, and sister-n-law in one of the most beautiful areas of the world. YOU GET TO SWIM WITH A DOLPHIN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Fernando will not care what you weigh, will give you the best time ever, and give ya a wet sloppy kiss. HeeHee Do your makeup and hair everyday and do not leave the mirror until you love what you see and are confident. Confidence is the key! Flaunt that red hair and be your Ariel! ;D
   

Love Letter #4

Dear Summer,
     Great job today coming straight home from work and getting your workouts done today. Your body is defiantly thinking you. You have made it 4 days so far girl! Amazing! I know it's a small number compared to the many ahead of you, but every day complete is a day to celebrate. You have stuck with your exercise, love letters, devotions, and food. In just four short days you have learned alot about yourself. You have been able to forgive someone, face your own excuses, and manage your time. Keep up this amazing work and that chip shall be yours! And by the way...what a great idea to stay motivated. Money was a great idea back in the day, but it was a little to much pressure on you and not always helpful for your bank account. This way you will always have something to show your progress. I really feel you can take this farther in a few years. Summer, you are someone people can look up to and understand. I'm so proud you are letting more people in to your struggles right now, but i think in a few years once you fully conquer your demons...you will be able to share it with the world. I don't know if that will be a book or a website or a local support group, but i do see you using this to help others in the future. Even if you don't spread it that far, i know you will be a wonderful role model for those closest in your life and your future children. Just keep taking each day at a time and come back to these letters when you are having a down day. You are wonderful, beautiful, and full of spirit. Never forget that!

Love Letter #3

Dear Summer,
     I know you are struggling right now trying to find the energy and motivation to manage your time. Your couch is quite comfy, but do you really need to let it know that constantly. HaHa You have worked hard for what you have and i know your are proud of it all, but i not only want you to show yourself love and respect, but the items you own as well. Alot of women your age are broke, having children, living off the government, or out parting their money away. You girl? You are on time at work every day, never miss, working crazy part time hours, saving money, thinking of your future, and preparing everything for when you are ready to have your own child. You are just amazing! You could teach alot of adults out there about the ways of spending and saving their money. You have been paying off your credit cards while saving and paying for a cruise. You got new tires, brakes, and an alignment for your Honda and paid with cash. You have experienced your own head ache of letting the credit cards take a hold of you, but I'm so proud to see you taking back control of them and doing things only when you have the money yourself to do it. That will get your far in life and save you alot of other head aches down the road. Some times you are stressed about letting money go for certain things, but you never hesitate if someone else needs it. You try to act all tough and not let yourself care for certain people, but in the end if some one needed a meal...you would be there buying it for them. Don't let that side of you slip away. This world is full of people just out for themselves. You are a rare jewel that would help anyone in her life if they needed it. Spread that to others you may not be so close to, not in a way you get walked on, but in a way that let's people see the real you. That you care, you have their back. It does not always have to be money...sometimes someone just needs a good listening ear and you girl...have got 2 great ones and a heart that will take all their pain if they need it. Hang in there and let your love shine through. I know once you can allow yourself to love yourself 100% that love will flow to everyone around you.

Love Letter #2

Dear Summer,
     I love how brave you were to color your hair red! I know you have issues with changes and what will come from them, but i think this was defiantly one change that suits you quite well! It just pops and really matches your personality. Full of fire, strength, and spice. You will be your own Ariel on the cruise. :D It just shows change can a good thing. I don't want you to miss out on something so wonderful because you are scared to leave your comfort zone. Remember how you almost didn't leave Regional One for CCOM because even though it was a stressful environment to be in, it was the only thing you knew. It had lead you to a deep depression, stress, more anxiety, but because it was your comfort zone you didn't want to leave for a 50/50 chance of greener grass. Don't you just want to shake that girl back then? You have changed so much since going to CCOM! In a good way! You are happy now, you smile, you actually enjoy going to work. You get praise there, they have rules they actually follow, and you have co-workers you actually can lean on and let the real you shine. You have learned so much there and are blossoming in a field that you didn't know would fit for you. You should be very proud of yourself! I know you have alot more on your mind in reference to some changes that may be coming up in your life, but remember these examples. Like i keep saying, you are a strong woman that nothing can hold back. Pray and let God's will be done. With him by your side you can handle any change that comes your way.

Day 2

Spent the day with my momma doing some shopping. I got myself 2 more pairs of shorts and Lewis 3 pairs for the cruise. We were lacking in summer wear quite badly! I also got myself 4 new pairs of flip flops. The ones at home have seen better days. HaHa I can't believe we leave in like 12 days and 5 hours. Ehhhh! Sooo, excited! 9 days away from reality making memories with some of the most special people in my life....can't get much better! I think it will be just what i need to fully reboot my brain and let the stress free.

For lunch today i picked Western Sizzlin and had the buffet. I wanted to challenge myself and I'm pretty proud with my choices. My first plate was a salad with egg, broccoli, carrots, onion, cheese, ranch, and a scoop of cottage cheese. 2nd plate was one scoop of mashed potatoes, big scoop of green beans, one scoop of some kind of pulled BBQ chicken, and one roll. I had water to drink. I was going to have some fruit and pudding for desert, but i was full after those 2 and decided to skip it. My usual meal there is covered in ranch for every plate and i eat as many rolls as i can handle. Today i used self control and listened to my body. I left a buffet meal guilt free. :D

Rode my bikey when i got home and had dinner. I ate 3 pieces of stuffed crust pizza from pizza hut that Lewis had left over and a pudding cup. I passed out on the couch after that for like 4 hours and was just going to sleep the rest of the night and skip my toning, but thankfully i got myself up. I was just going to do 10 minutes of toning and then finish with my bikey, but i ended up doing my whole 30 minutes working out my arms, abs, and legs and finished it up with a 30 minute bikey ride. STICKER! For once feeling very proud of my will power today and not letting my brain talk me into bad habits.

Now, i just need to write my love letter #2 and read my devotional. Afterwards my day will be 100% complete and i can go to bed with a clear, guilt free mind. :Sigh: Feels so good!

Love Letter #1

Dear Summer,
     I have watched you for so many years struggle and fight for what you think is right. You are such a strong woman with a heart that is sometimes to big for your own good. I have seen you try and build a wall around that heart and it has made you a very lonely woman. Yes, people will take advantage of your caring and sometimes turn out not to be the person you thought they were. Do not let that stop you being the woman i know you are inside. You love people and want what is right and fair for everyone. Sadly, the world does not work that way and you can not fix it all. You went through that in high school and it's such a burden to carry for yourself. Love yourself Summer! Love people! Stop trying to be this tough guy and pushing people away. You have so much love to offer people and i know if you start letting your guard down and letting people see the true you their views will change. You are one special person that is not only beautiful on the outside, but also beautiful on the inside. Control that tongue of fire, open your heart and mind, and let the past be the past. Summer it is time to forgive the wrongs of your past. Not only from others, but from yourself as well. Forget the pain, embarrassment, hurt, and depression. Go look in a mirror and see the girl that i see. HUG YOURSELF! Smile! Make a funny face and let out a laugh! Blast some music and have your own dance, calorie burning, party! I am so proud of you! I know you have been fighting for so long, but you have never given up and that is something to celebrate. You have never been a quitter! You may have gone about some things the wrong way, but you have never let it 100% keep you down. YOU GO GIRL! Until tomorrow...keep your head high and remember what you are fighting for. Your control, your health, your life, and your future little one. xoxoxo

Day 1

Slept the day away due to working night shift last night. Felt...amazing! My wake up call was from work saying someone called out and i would have to come in from 7p-11p. No problem...it was time for me to get up anyway and it means more money on the pay check. Well, was in the middle of my bike ride when worked called again and asked if i could come in at 5pm instead. It was fine with me...more money! I had to cut the bike ride short so i could go weigh and get ready. I also had no time to get a meal in since it was already like 4:40 when she called. I planned to make today my free day and just have whatever i could get later at work, but that was no way to start my first day...that was letting a unplanned situation control me and my decisions. Not going to happen. No sir-re! I grabbed a fruit cup to have as soon as i got to work and got Lewis to pick me up Okelly's once he got off work. I had a chicken salad sandwich, Doritos, cinnamon roll, and a Mr.Pibb. Not the best food, but it is home made, no grease, and i believe the better choice then a fast food joint. I'm also supporting small business. :D Later i have a V8 fusion drink i can have to complete my day. If work goes steady i will get off at 11pm. I plan to get another bike ride in once home and then hit the hay for a good nights sleep. Got to be nice and rested for momma time.

I did wake up today with the usual just woke up cravings and the need to stuff my face, so, I'm kinda glad i was called into work. There i am not tempted with a kitchen full of items to chow down on. That's the one thing i kinda don't like about my house. It's nice for entertaining to have the living room and kitchen has one big room, but when cravings hit...seeing the kitchen and having such full access to it does not help. I'll make it though. I have to! I have an adorable pink poker chip to achieve in 31 days. :D

14 days till me and the hubs are FL bound to meet my sissy and sis-n-law. 15 days till we are ocean bound on our fancy cruise ship. SO FREAKIN' EXCITED! I did not get the weight i wanted off before this vacation, but it is what it is. Today it is water under the bridge and I'm moving forward. I will enjoy my cruise and the time with my awesome family, but i will also love myself and not let a week vacation blind me from my goals. I may eat things a little high in calories, but i will not binge or stuff my face just because I'm on vacation. There is swimming pools, a gym, a huge cruise deck to discover. There is no reason i can't stay active. The scale, my workout calendar, and my smiley stickers will be coming with me. I have done so good this year not skipping weigh ins no matter how bad my week was and i need to continue to be accountable...even miles out on the open ocean. HeeHee

Day one is almost complete and I'm proud of it. A friend posted a wonderful article on our FB group page and it's exactly what i needed to read today. It was about loving yourself and being your own best friend. When a friend does something bad, would you call them bad names and criticize them negatively? No! You would be there to encourage them. Why do we not to that to ourselves? Why do we speak negatively to ourselves and put ourselves down? Here are the steps they advised to try.

1:  Let Yourself Feel Bad
Self-compassion means recognizing that negative emotions, as much as they suck, are a normal part of being human. That means letting yourself feel them. “You want to make yourself safe enough to have whatever your natural reaction is,” says Neff. If that means making your ugliest cry face and punching your pillow for an hour, go ahead. Self-compassion doesn’t mean wallowing in self-pity, however. It means always keeping your best interest at heart, and it’s in no one’s best interest for you to don your PJ’s and not leave your house for an entire week.
2: Tell Your Inner Critic To Move Along
Chances are, you wouldn’t say the same things to a friend that you say to yourself when you’re feeling down. (Examples: “stop being a baby,” “you always screw up,” or “why are you such a failure?”) Neff says it’s time to question why you continue to say those things to yourself. The next time a judgmental thought pops into your head, understand that your inner critic is just trying to help you. Unfortunately, it’s not helpful. Take the high road and thank that inner voice for trying to help. Then dismiss it and move on.
3: Write Yourself A Love Letter
A study at York University showed that writing yourself a comforting letter every day for a week can make you feel happier for up to six months. Pen yourself a pick-me-up, but write it from the perspective of a loving friend or relative. “What would you say to yourself in this situation using a very kind, compassionate, and understanding voice?” asks Neff. She recommends coming back and reading your letter from time to time to reinforce the effect.
-I love this idea! Going to try it this first week and see how well it works for myself.

4: Treat Yourself
Failure is not the time to punish yourself, says Neff. Try the opposite approach and give yourself a small treat, like a bubble bath or a cup of frozen yogurt, instead. Giving yourself a boost can actually make failure less frightening, which means you’ll be more likely to take risks in the future. “If you know that it’s safe to fail, you will be less afraid of failure,” says Neff. That means you’ll be quicker to dust yourself off and try again.

5: Invent A Self-Soothing GestureAs mammals, we’ve actually evolved to respond to a gentle, warm touch with a lowering of cortisol and a release of soothing oxytocin, says Neff. This happens even when the touch is our own. “Use some sort of physical gesture to express care, compassion, and soothing,” says Neff. It could be anything from placing your hand over your heart to patting yourself on the leg. Once you’ve invented your gesture, you can whip it out in the middle of a stressful situation. “Once you calm your body down, it’s actually easier for your mind to follow suit,” says Neff.
6: Be Your Own Cheerleader
Try speaking to yourself out loud the way you would to a close friend. When you verbally comfort yourself in the midst of a painful feeling, “it’s simultaneously acknowledging and validating that you are feeling it,” says Neff. Acknowledging your feeling keeps you safe from denial, and validating it reminds you that it’s totally normal to feel this way. If it feels awkward to mumble to yourself out loud, just say the comforting words in your head.

Such a great article! Everything is right on with what i am trying to do with my brain rehab and i plan to try and work on every step. One day i will 100% love myself and learn to treat myself with respect. :D

Rehab Chip

This is my my rehab chip. Every month i go with no binge or emotional eating i will get one of these chips with the amount of days i survived on the back. And as a side note...this is one of the heaviest chips in the market. It fits quite well with me, don't it? HaHaHa I'm loving i could find a pink one and i love the design!

Tomorrow is day #1. I wish i had started this earlier, but any time is better then never.The main goal is to refocus the brain on positive things when an emotion hits. I really want to focus on my journaling, devotion, and exercise. I don't want food to be accociated at all with positive reinforcement. I have been that route before and it still allows food to have control. No more! Food is there to nourish the body for survival, not praise, celebration, or comfort. Hiking has really been on my mind and something i have been wanting to get into for years. Once i get back from the cruise Spring will official be here and i want to do a hike a month. I'm really hoping Lewis will join me and the days he can't i'm hoping Roni or someone else can tag along with me and my pups. What a great way to exercise, clear the mind, and enjoy the beautiful things God has made for us. I have already been looking up places near by and making my check off list. :D

I have the next 3 days off and one of them momma will be coming down. I defiantly need some human connection and some away time from me, myself, and I. I also plan to exercise, grocery shop, and get my house CLEAN! I do not want to leave for the cruise and come back to a messy house. Uck! Just ready for a 360 clean up and getting this body ready for baby making time! Oh, how i want my first baby! LOL I can not wait to have my own little bundle of joy to cuddle, love, and be messed on. HeeHee

Example A

Last night i just let myself go. I have been hurt by someone i thought was a friend, yet again, and i let food comfort me. That's all i really had. The last week i have seen Lewis possibly a total of 30 minutes. Last night he had to get to bed pretty much after he got home and ate with me due to a early shift the next day. And the little time i had with him...he really wasn't listening to much i was saying. I talked to mom about the issue as well earlier, but she again just wanted to lecture me. I sometimes do need that from her, but right after something happens, i just wanted someone to listen to me and let me rant, cry, or whine. I know I'm not perfect. I know in the past i have caused alot of the issues that have come my way in relationships. I know my mouth gets me into alot of trouble, trouble i probably would have avoided if i had just kept quiet. I'm human though and I'm still trying to fix things one day at a time. I'm not perfect and again, I'm human, i slip, i don't need to be lectured about that every time something goes wrong. :Sigh:

Back to last night. I had emotions of hurt, being alone, anger, confusion, and just plain out sad. I went to Food Lion after work and got me a pack of cookies. I went home, poured me a glass of milk, sank into the couch, and enjoyed my cookies and milk. Lewis may have sucked in the listening and comforting department, but least he agreed to bring me what i knew would help...Little Cesars. I know i should not have ran to food, but March 1st is right around the corner and i just wanted one last day to just allow food to be my comfort. I did feel a little better and actually had no guilt of the food i ate. It was all i had.

Another one bites the dust and another brick is placed on my heart wall. I know better then to allow people in, but he seemed different then the others i worked with and he was my partner, so, i let the guard down. Sadly, he got sucked into the Regional One ass hole group and has changed into this person that i don't recognize. Defiantly not the person that was my partner and the person that went through the crap we had to go through together. I've been through this before, but i was really fooled this time and did not see it coming. It is what it is though and in the next few days i need to figure out what i want to do. Him and his whole family run at our volunteer squad in Blairs and i don't know if i can handle all that. I have a temper and a mouth and even though I'm working on both...i can't promise myself one of them or both will go off there. The whole family has a power issue and if they don't get their way they act like children and throw a fit until they either get their way or they realize that even their last name wont get them what they want. Just ridiculous! I'm just tired of drama and stupid people! Even if i could control my mouth there...i just don't want to be around that environment. I miss my home area...i don't know exactly where i want to live in the area or what job i would like to transfer to even if we decided to move, but i do know I'm just sick and tired of having no support system near me.

I let it ruin my day and today...couldn't even get out of bed. Food has sucked and there has been no exercise. No control what so ever. I'm not letting guilt build and I'm just going to let me pity myself through night shift. Tomorrow it's over. Yeah i lost someone i thought was close, i have issues, i have alot to work on myself, but laying around and letting it eat me up is not going to help at all. Tomorrow will be a new, brighter day. I'll love myself!

Brain Rehab

02-12-13: 269.2 Lost: 4.2 Pounds BMI: 40.9

Talked about one excited girl when I stepped on the scale that morning and saw those numbers. There was defiantly some happy dance moves. HA I only had 5 days between weigh ins that week and to have over 4 pounds gone in that short period of time...amazing!

02-18-13: 276.0 Gain: 6.8 Pounds BMI: 42.0

Well, i took last weeks amazing loss and just spit in its' face. :Sigh: There was no happy dance, but proudly no hatred for myself or cuss words for the scale. I had 6 days between weigh ins and week of not caring or watching what i ate or exercising. Me and Lewis went out for Vday and ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner out. Then that Saturday my sis, mom, and auntie came down and we ate out. I didn't eat so bad then, but didn't get in any exercise. Big key to keeping the weight off exercise is and i totally could care less during this week...as you can see with my weigh in. I also had to weigh in mid day since i was back on night shifts and i was totally bloated and swollen from bad food choices and not moving. All of it put together...blah numbers on the scale.

02-23-13: 274.4 Lost: 1.6 Pounds BMI: 41.7

Food this week was a little better, but still not what i would like. I did get back to exercising and the bloat of the week before was pretty much gone. I miss seeing that number 6 on the scale, but I'm proud to taking charge and not letting that horrible gain from the week before hold me back or lead to more gains. The year has already been a struggle with the scale going down, down, up, down, maintain, but it is what is is and i am proud to say i have not skipped one weigh in, no matter how bad my week was for myself. Skipping just leads to denial and more skipped and that eventually leads to pounds creeping up and i don't have time for that! I'm taking this positive weigh in this week and using it to push me on forward. Slow and steady!

Emotions have been a little crazy the last few weeks and i have not let myself come here and write it out. Sometimes i let them build so much...i just don't know how to get it out in words. I need to figure out something though. I can't keep letting food be my release. I realized today that i have been on this battle for 11 years. The Summer before 9th grade is when i first realized i had a weight problem and began the long, emotion filled 11 year battle. What do i have to show for it? Nothing! Just 11 years gone and being at the heaviest weight i have ever been at. Some days it's just sickening! Some days i don't think i will ever win over the fat and food cravings. Some days i love what i see in the mirror and other days i hate it. Some days i feel like i can do anything and it will be a walk in the park. Other days i feel exhausted and just trained from all the effort and failures. Yes it has been 11 years and my weight is bouncing off the charts, but i have learned what works for me, what portions look like without having to measure, how many calories are in certain portions and food items without having to look them up or adding them, i know all the steps to get me to my goal weight. The real issue that took me 11 years to 100% face head on...my addiction to food and my emotional eating. I can do every diet out there, do all the crazy exercise plans, but until i get a hold on this food problem i will never see that beautiful healthy number on the scale. I will never have a healthy body to bring a child into this world. I will continue to push my body beyond what i should and possibly cause health issues that i would never have gotten if i wasn't over weight.

I do not want that! I want to start my little family soooo bad! We actually decided to start in January 2014 and i have the rest of this year to make new habits and get my body and brain on the same page. I want a healthy 9 month pregnancy with no health issues for me or my little one. I want to be a healthy role model for my future little ones, not this struggling food addict that has no control of her life. I defiantly do NOT want them to pick up these bad habits and have to live their life like i have. It has finally hit home the last week that i have an issue. I kinda always knew that, but i would always push it back and thought it would just fix itself as the weight dropped. Sadly, it does not work that way. I spent all Friday night at work researching and found some very great articles. The verdict: Diet Rehab or Brain Rehab.

Steps:

1: Find a counselor or therapist.

Sadly i can not afford that nor will my insurance pay for it. Thankfully i have a wonderful mother i can go to at any time and talk out my issues and she gives me what i need at the time. A listening ear or some hard core advice that i need, but some times don't want to hear. I also have my amazing BuddySlim group in FB that i can spill my guts out to. They are a group of women that understand 100% what i am going through. I know they are there for me through the ups, downs, and all around. I know they will be honest with me and always be there to push me when i need it. Done of the above are professionals, but they know me, they understand me, and in my opinion that's the best therapy you can have. And...they are free!

2: Identify Trigger Foods and What Situations Trigger Cravings

Sugar and Carbs! I love chocolate, peanut butter, caramel in any kind of form. Cookies, ice cream, candy, or cereal. I LOVE CEREAL! Pasta, bread, butter, rice, etc are my carb family. They are what i run do in boredom, anger, hurt, sadness, happiness, and any other emotion of the moment. They trigger that thing in my brain that for a split moment i think I'm ok. I think if i keep eating and enjoying the moment everything will be oky doky. Then i stop though, either after getting my fix or being so full i can't eat anymore, that the guilt sets in. That emotion is the worst. It can lead to even more eating or i just go sleep the thoughts away. Evil cycle!

3: Slowly Reduce The Amount of Trigger Foods

The article i read was very big on not cutting them off cold turkey. That is just asking for trouble. I have tried this in the past and it can drive you crazy. I just end up binging and being right back where i started. It's taking each day at a time and facing each obstacle as they come. I can still enjoy my favorite foods, but in portions and when it is acceptable to have them. Not when i think i need them! We eat to live, not live to eat!

4: Exercise

This is kinda a duh, but the first thing i let slip when i am in one of my bad emotional eating states. I'd rather sleep away the emotions then sweat them out. I actually love exercising and watching my body transform. I love the feeling i get after a great workout. I wish i could just bottle it up and keep it for a rainy day. This is what i will be working on the hardest. I don't want it to become my next addiction like i did a couple years ago. I was an exercise machine! I would not go out or plan my days out around my exercise. It was insane! All i did was transfer my food addiction to seeing how much exercise i could squeeze into each day. And just like my food issues i burnt myself out and didn't exercise again for months. I'm looking for that happy medium. Going for a walk with my pup instead of eating a whole gallon of ice cream is what i want. I want to want to go out or move my body then head to the food. I want to flip my brain to health! I can use an example from today. Lewis confronted me about eating all the cereal yesterday and said if i don't get a hold on my addiction i will never get this weight off for good. He was right, but it was kinda a shock to the system hearing it from someone else. He has seen me at my lowest and highest. Out of anybody he knows me more then anybody. I just wasn't ready to hear that to my face and it really hurt me. I went straight to the fridge and cabinets looking for comfort. Thankfully i stopped and thought about the articles i read and walked away. I then went into comfort zone 2. I decided i would just sleep the hurt away and be refreshed when i woke up. But...i could not get to sleep. I battled myself for a while and decided to pull myself out of bed and got a 30 minute bike ride in on my stationary bike. I felt amazing! I got the comfort i needed, the hurt was pushed out by sweat, and i had no guilt! I had...pride! I want this type of behavior to continue no matter what comes my way.

5. Plan Meals

I've been doing really great with this, this year and once i stop adding things during my bad days ill be doing good. I also need to plan better when i work for RO. That's defiantly my down fall right now. Passing all those fast food joints and watching your partner eat it...can be a challenge to say no. I'll get there though.

6. WATER, WATER, WATER = DUH HA

7. Learning Deep Breathing and Meditation Exercises

Not my favorite things, but i have tried them and they can really help. They take alot of patience and focus though and defiantly not for everybody. I'm going to try and do my devotionals and prayer more regular. That is my kinda meditation. I'm slacking in that department, but i do believe in God and who better to have on your side in time of trouble. The best counselor, friend, father, cheer leader, and ruler you could ask for. He's always there no matter where you are or what you are doing. He doesn't judge you, he loves you with a love no one on earth ever could. He died for you! I mean...how powerful is that. He died so i could live and follow him. If that doesn't move you...i don't know what will. I am only human, but with him on my side i can do wonders. Oh, He's also free! :D

8. Distract Yourself Till Compulsion To Eat Passes

I want to use exercise, prayer, devotionals, blogging, and whatever else i can distract myself with. It's going to be hard this year i know it, but i want to work hard so eventually everything will just come naturally. There will be times ill have to fight hard, but it will be such a blessing when the day comes I'm not so torn between everything. Healthy LIFE style change is what I'm headed for.

I want a reward for myself for every month i make it through my own personal rehab. I don't know if it will be a chip with days on the back or a little trophy or what it will be, but i just want something to symbolize my progress. There is no end date. There can't be one. This is for LIFE! I have set goals and dead lines and look where they have got me. More stressed then when i started, guilty, depressed, and a plan out failure. They all just lead me to breaking down and going right back to bad habits. I can't push aside the problem for a few months and expect to be fixed. This will be a forever thing until the good Lord takes me home. I hope that's when I'm 100, but until then i want to be the best i can be. I want to encourage and love myself. I would love to share my story and help others. I want people to know they are not alone and they can be who they want to be inside and out.

March 1st starts my Brain Rehab. These last few days of February will be planning and learning more about myself and how i can improve. Hopefully by my next blog ill have a game plan to type out and ready to go. I only have this one life and i need to step up! :D

Have Mercy!

Weigh In: 273.4 Maintain BMI: 41.6

Phew! I was expecting some kind of horrible gain, not a maintain. So, Yay! LoL It was defiantly the motivation i needed to kick myself back into gear. Yes, i had a not so good week, but my body was kind enough to maintain, so, i need to be kind enough and get back into gear. Healthy choices, ONE free day, NO EXCUSES, and keep the burn going. Sweat, tears, and fear! One day at a time, one choice at a time, one step at a time. With each step taken i will get farther and farther away from this girl i do not recognize and the bad habits she has formed. Sexy Summer in the works! ;D

So far this week is going well. Only have 5 days this week before my next weigh in due to the short month. Only splurged once this week and that was on a slice of pizza and a chocolate cherry candy. I let that be my one treat for the week and that's it! I have exercised every day so far and got my water in. Sadly on Thursday i got a huge blister on the bottom of my right foot from taking Mucnhkin for a hour walk. Darn shoes! It was so big i could hardly walk on it, so, exercise has been limited. I can't use my row machine or my walking DVD, but it's all good, no blister is going to keep me down! This week has mainly been pilates, which i do on the floor, and my bikey. I don't have to bare weight on my foot with those and still get the burn i need. Thank goodness yesterday it finally popped, so, i'm hoping next week i can be a little more active for my cardio days.

O M G! Scheduled my dolphin swim yesterday and i felt like a 5 year old drugged up on chocolate crack! Soooooooo excited! I wanted to do it while on the cruise, but the one in the Virgin Islands required you to have a passport. That was ok, but since we waited so long we would have had to pay all these extra fees and it would have been almost $500 dollars for 2 of them. Plus the $160 for each person to swim. Sheesh! I was like....i can pass! I'd rather save that $500 dollars and enjoy multiple things on the cruise. Thankfully though after a long day of searching i found a place in Miami, which is only 40 minutes from where we are staying in FL with Liza's dad, that i can have the same experience and not need a passport. YAY! Sissy and Liza are coming as well to watch, so, we will have an extra day all together. More yay! LoL I can't wait to meet my Fernando and have a swim with him. HeeHee

33 more days till we are FL bound!!!! Ehhhhhhhhhhh! :D

Deja Vu

Weigh In: 273.4 Gain: 2.8 Pounds BMI: 41.6

So, ended the month of January with a 7 pound weight loss. The plan was 15 pounds, but i would have been happy with 10 pounds. :Sigh: I could have made it to either one if i had stayed focus and not let the numbers and old habits effect me so much. I love the money that comes with all the hours i work, but it really took a tole on me this month. Little sleep, to much sleep, weird hours, night shift, and missing happy pills or taking it at different times lead to a crazy emotional, zombie existence the last 2 weeks. I didn't plan meals, skipped some exercises, and totally let the  munchies win. I had one binge last month which I'm pretty proud of. For my first month really back in the game i think all and all i did really well for what i had to work with. Did not want any gains, but least i came out with a loss for the month.

February has not started out so great. I am so not excited to weigh in tomorrow. Food this week has not been planned, not portioned, not healthy, and i have only exercised 2 of the 6 days. And water...sucked! Only 2 of the 6 days have i had 8 cups or more. Most days i got in 2-6 cups. :Sigh: I will not skip the weigh in though. I have to remain accountable to myself and face those numbers, whatever they may be.

This year is starting out like last year and i can't continue to let that happen!

37 days till we are FL bound and headed to our 1st cruise. I am not excited to be this heavy for my first cruise. I'm going to fight until then though and get has many pounds off as i can. I am also going shopping next week for clothes. Nothing in my closet fits right, right now and I'm excited to get some that will flatter the shape and size i am right now. I do not want to dwell on my weight and how i look right now on vacation. I want to enjoy myself and feel beautiful. I'm hoping to find some amazing dresses, tops, shorts, and a stunning bathing suit that assist and flatters the curves. :D

Here's to facing tomorrow head on and getting back in the game. If i can't get something set and stick to it i will always be fighting this battle. I'm tired of the battle! I want to win and maintain!